12 Dec 07The Mac Vs. Windows – DEATH CAGE MATCH!

For those of you who might have missed our posting earlier today, CNet’s Tom Krazit was kind enough to quote me in a piece on the whole Mac vs. Windows thing you may have heard of once or twice in the past 17 years. While we were pleased that Krazit sought the opinion of such a respected Apple publication, the piece misses several salient points of the debate, which I will now elucidate.

  • PC users usually smell like dirty sweat socks. Mac users always smell as fresh as a summer rose. If only because so many of us use Summer Rose Feminine Deodorant Spray.
  • PC users iz stoopid. Mac users iz teh smart.
  • While one often hears about how Macs are gay, simple statistics dictate that because there are more Windows users, there are more Windows users who are gay. Even if gay people are more inclined to use the Mac simply because they have a better sense of style, statistically, more gay people use Windows. So, who’s gay now? Why it is you, the Windows user who is gay. On the other hand, you do look good in those chaps. I couldn’t pull off that look, but you make it look good. Do you work out? Not that I’m hitting on you or anything. I’m not. I’m just saying if I were gay…
  • It’s a well-known fact that Windows crashes all the time and that Macs never c
  • [bong!]
  • I heard that Bill Gates spent the summer of 1978 killing hookers in Albuquerque and, if you listen closely, you can still hear their screams every time Windows boots up. Well, that’s what I heard. But it’s also possible it’s just the screams of the people who have to use Windows. Most of whom are corporate hookers which kind of brings the whole argument full circle. QED.
  • For the last time, Mac users do not believe that Steve Jobs is god! Ha-ha-ha! Don’t be foolish! That would be absurd! Preposterous! We simply believe – and this should be fairly obviously true to everyone based on the evidence at hand! – that he is Der Ubermensch, a perfectly evolved individual whose indomitable will will bring about a utopian society where Mac users and iPod users alike will live in perfect harmony with nature and their fellow Mac and iPod users. And, yes, Windows users must be purged in the flames of perdition as the leeching vermin that they are. But believing he’s god? Ha-ha! That would be silly!
  • Humorous names that Steve Ballmer has called Bill Gates include Nerdie McSweatervest, Slouchy McJuicebox, Frumpy McScrawny, Foureyes McFloodpants and Donnie Dorko. I don’t really have a point here, I just think it’s funny.

So, from the perspective of this site, we are clearly ready to leave the old Mac vs. Windows debate behind. We are so over that. Live and let live.

As long as we get the last word.

37 Responses to “The Mac Vs. Windows – DEATH CAGE MATCH!”

  1. Salmon says:

    First? I did read.

  2. Salmon says:

    I surmise that all the other readers lack my steely resolve and are stuck on the image of Windows users in chaps, preventing them from posting.

  3. Rojomojo says:

    Third – Computers are like air conditioners. They work until you open Windows.

  4. Hondophred says:

    Whoo Hoo! top five!

  5. Huh? says:

    I’d like to…
    [bong!]
    I mean, I want…
    [bong!]
    My machine never
    [bong!]
    It’s almost
    [bong!]
    *sigh*
    [bong!]
    [bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!]
    [bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!]
    [bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!]
    [bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!]
    [bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!]
    [bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!][bong!]

    Ok. I’m done now.

  6. Biff Whammy says:

    Shouldn’t that be “Ive and let Ive”? Although I guess he’s letting Putin instead …

  7. OMGHAX says:

    Huh?, stop banging on that gong! My ears ache!

  8. Apple Lopsider says:

    8. That’s all I got.

  9. Carbonfish says:

    Two posts in one day is confusing and overly ambitious…

    Nobody likes the overly ambitious.

    Eight or nine.

  10. Carbonfish says:

    John, why is your post clock set to mountain time? This is not the mountains.

    First there is a mountain, then there is no mountain, then there is…

    But not mountain time.

  11. CB says:

    You should hear Alex read the bullet point text. Pretty damn good. A wonderful way to read/listen to CARS posts.

  12. Sudo Nym says:

    Steve Jobs is going to be one wrath-filled Ubermensch when he reads that Mac users don’t believe he is God, or at least a god.

    That guy is kinda stuck on himself.

  13. I always thought the Mac “bonk!” should be the “bonk!” used in V8 commercials. It makes my ears hurt every time I hear it, and would definitely get the point across. It might even shock you enough to get the cheetoh dust off of your hands too…

  14. MCJE says:

    So…1000th post coming up. Will we find out if the reborn (and now much hawter) Entity can stop the ninja sexbot cyber-apocalypse in time for a plate of tasty waffles? Or will we get an actual Crazy Apple Rumor?

  15. Nxxx says:

    If we are quitting dissing Windows, who do we go for next?
    Can’t be Ubuntu as that sounds racialist.

  16. Ace Deuce says:

    It’s one thing to pull off the chaps look, but how about chaps with spats and a cap?

  17. Klayman says:

    Nxxx, Symbian is the next target. Sounds dubious enough to me. Who is this Symbian guy anyway? Some freaky alien?

    Cheers
    Klayman

  18. TuCats says:

    XX! Top Twenty! w00t!

    Um, that’s embarassingly lame, even for me. Never mind.

  19. Steve G. says:

    Dude… you said “bong”!

    Is it now time to start writing some “Steve Jobs Facts” a la the Chuck Norris Facts we’ve all come to know and love? You love them because Chuck Norris says so.

  20. Apple Lopsider says:

    If no one else going to mention it: this is Moltz’s 999th post. I speculate that we have a 1000th Post Helpdesk Spectacular tonight. You heard it here first. The CARS Rumors Site.

    Also, if no one else is going to mention it: number 5, please keep your outrageous onomatopoeia out of the overflow area. You’re disturbing the ads.

  21. nonlinearG says:

    Changing the IT departments name to Corporte Hookers sounds good.

    It gives them relevance, purpose, a metric, and clearly identifies whats going to happen to you.

  22. Klayman says:

    John, you’re going to have all 25 regular posters on coffee overdose to see who’s the first poster on your 1000th (thousandth? thousandsth?) post… How’s that for a lifetime achievement? I bet it’s gonna make CNET again as well, or even Daring Fireball…

    btw, nolinearG, brilliant remark. I’m still laughing.

    Cheers
    Klayman

  23. MCJE says:

    I mentioned the upcoming kilopost.

  24. Lurker says:

    Heh heh.. He said onomatopoeia…

    Corporate Hookers would make an excellent name for a rock band.

  25. Uboogu says:

    As the wind sighs, the tiger looks east.

  26. FilmPhotoWeb says:

    Oops, bad calculation. Meant to say 47.

  27. FilmPhotoWeb says:

    Wow. Having a rough time with the math today. Am I really #1? Finally?

  28. FilmPhotoWeb says:

    Jeez. My apologies. This doesn’t even have anything to do with the post, except that I’m using a MicroSoft calculator to figure out my post position.

    842!!!

  29. Sudo Nym says:

    My prediction for the 1,000th post on CARS: “No Help Desk tonight. Busy celebrating 1,000th post.”

  30. Der Golem says:

    Love, love, love YOU!
    I laughed so hard one of my office mates came in to see what was up.
    Corporate Hookers, Mac utopia and Slouchy MacJuicebox
    [bong!]
    My idea of perfection

    Congrats on your kiloblog,
    Your newest fan

  31. kingthedestroyer says:

    Eagerly awaiting the 1,000th post!! Better make it a good one John, I’m sure the networks will pick up on it. Such a milestone, I bet even Steve will be waiting with baited breath. (Never understood that one, got a worm in his mouth or somethin?)ˇ

  32. Rip Ragged says:

    Windows users have cooties and bad haircuts, too. And they can’t cook, and have poor taste in art. Their socks don’t match and their flies are down. They have a booger showing.

    And for heaven’s sake, they’re not going out to dinner dressed like that are they?

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