07 Jan 08New Board Member Signals Bold New Direction For Apple.

Apple announced today that Avon CEO Andrea Jung would be joining the company’s board as its 8th member and only woman. The move signaled a bold new direction for Apple that is expected to further boost Mac sales and market share.

According to Apple, Jung will help the company implement a new sales channel consisting of licensed representatives who will go door-to-door selling Macs, iPods and iPhones.

Senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller said “They’ll also harass the hell out of co-workers by circulating catalogs in the office with passive-aggressive notes and exhorting them to buy something and alienate their friends by throwing “Apple parties” where the pressure to buy something will be incredible!”

“It’s going to be great!”

“Steve was initially excited about the thought of giving away a pink Cadillac to Apple representatives,” Schiller said. “He was pretty disappointed when I had to tell him that was Mary Kay, not Avon.”

Already people are lining up to become Apple representatives.

Lesa King, well-known as the talent behind David Pogue and the substantially better half of the host of Your Mac Life, said “I looked over their pamphlet and I’m going to sign up.

“If I sell 15 iMacs, I get a percentage of each one and a free iPhone. I mean, I don’t need an iPhone because I already have two, but at least it’s better than Pogue’s incentive plan which is ‘your incentive is that I don’t fire your ass’.

“Seriously. That’s what my employment contract says.”

Announcing Jung’s appointment, CEO Steve Jobs said that Jung would also help bring a positive new demographic to the Mac: fabulous babes.

“Look at our current demographic: pimply, awkward geeks who live in their parents’ basement. We’re going to change that. Sure, many of these babes are trashy MILFs…

“But, hey, trashy MILFs. Am I right? Sure I am.”

No one seemed sure when Jung was going to start, but for some reason you can sign up to be an Apple representative right now.

36 Responses to “New Board Member Signals Bold New Direction For Apple.”

  1. Firsty The Clown says:

    First

  2. Coolhandluke says:

    second

  3. Biff Whammy says:

    If the new iMacs smell like Black Suede, I’m buyin’.

  4. digitalcowboy says:

    Ding-dong. FIVE!

  5. Heinz says:

    To bad it’s not Mary Kay A pink caddiMac would’ve been cool. 6?

  6. shawk says:

    Why couldn’t it have been Tupperware.
    The PC dorks already think Macs are gay. I can’t wait to find out what they will say when Macs smell like cheap lilac perfume.

  7. Nxxx says:

    Do I need to buy a lorry (truck) to carry more Apple goods.
    Oh and is the sex change compulsory?

  8. CB says:

    uh oh, top 10

  9. Ace Deuce says:

    When my mother was an Avon lady, back in the Mesozoic Era, they had little sample lipsticks in a myriad of colors. What will be the Apple equivalent?

  10. Carbonfish says:

    Top 11dy.

    It was very funny John. One of the best ever…

    Gotta go.

  11. digitalcowboy says:

    I nearly made the exact same comment Ace. My mother was also an Avon lady when I was but a wee lad and I remember all those teeny-tiny lipsticks.

    Alas, I refrained originally from bringing up the subject because it’s a might painful for me. I had a cruel older sister that always seemed to be running short on doll babies when playing dress up. Or perhaps she just liked the live one best. In any event, there were traumatic times for me in those early years.

    Now thanks to Motlz and Ace dredging up the past, I have to go get a shot of straight bourbon and clean a gun or two.

  12. Huh? says:

    Um… Cowboy- that would be a tad bit too much info.

    But hey, you do smell nice, at least. Smells like…
    …cheap lilac?

    Nxxx- there’s a doctor or something at the door for you.
    Said you’d know what it’s about.

  13. scared monster, also known as Living Proof Of Something, Surely, says:

    (Isn’t he still a wee ?)

    Is this Mr Jung connected to Carl ?
    Psychoanalysis leading to new sale technics : that’s what I call progress.
    And pink cadillacs. I call that progress too.

    Well, I wouldn’t cry if you offered me a yellow mustang.
    Or a feldgrau Mercedes.

    Or even a bike.

    Skate-board ?

    Top 14.

  14. digitalcowboy says:

    Sorry, Huh?

    But you’re not gettin’ a cheap lilac scent from me. I smell like Hoppes 9.

    The ladies dig it. It’s like catnip to ’em. (The kinda ladies I like, at least.)

  15. Garnack says:

    I would add my comment now if I had something witty to say, but I don’t. So I won’t.

  16. TuCats says:

    Remember back in the day when we learned that if you use a green Magic Marker on the rim edge of your CDs, you could dramatically improve the sound quality?

    I just learned that if you use Avon Moisture Therapy AHA Body Lotion (not the Oatmeal version!) and liberally smear it around the chrome edge of an iPhone, it re-focusses the GSM radio waves and actually increases the bandwidth throughput to nearly 3G speed… without any discernable impact on the battery life!

    Speaking of discernable impact, though, it’s a lot easier to drop your iPhone when it’s slathered in lotion. Be careful.

  17. That's ORGANIC Chemistry! says:

    Ah, Hoppe’s No. 9!

    A full-bodied aroma of fragrant esters reminiscent of traditional artificial banana flavors blended with just the right amount of scented solvent oils to produce a distinctive, truly truculent presence!

    Available now in this attractive gift set together with Tractor Grease Body Lotion and Solder Flux scented candles, for a limited time only!

  18. D0c Wolfram says:

    That’s 20! (Calcium)

  19. Benny says:

    Once again, Apple and Steve Jobs are leading popular trends across all industries and cultures. The addition of an accomplished woman executive from Avon Products — world-renowned for its successful product lines for women — anticipates the introduction of the new, remarkably inexpensive new car made in India by the company named Tata. (http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/08/business/worldbusiness/08indiacar.html?ei=5065&en=35aebdd89f67e699&ex=1200459600&partner=MYWAY&pagewanted=print)

    Yep. That’s right… Tata. Advertising opportunities abound (so to speak), to wit:

    “Tatas … they may be cheap, but they’re bodacious!”
    or
    “The new line of Tatas … now bigger for 2009!”
    or
    “We put this Tata up against Ford’s Probe in a tough comparison test…”

    Can a minor change in the name of the Mac Pro be far behind … so to speak?

  20. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Ha! You’ve given it all away Moltz and you don’t even know it! The Avon connection is s ruse; its code. The truth comes in the fact that Jobs mentioned “MILFs”. Sure, you’re thinking that dirty American Pie meaning but there is another one.

    Ready? Monsters Inc., Laugh Floor. Don’t you see what this means? You’ve found proof for the mother of all Apple rumors! Apple is going to buy Disney! The Pixar connection is right there.

    Oh, you are a crafty one. You got Jobs to spill the beans and he didn’t even know it. And, may I say, that Precise Satin Rosita Berry looks marvelous on you! You are an Autumn you know. I’d like to recommend Transforming Liquid Eye Liner to go with it. And what would really compliment the entire thing is a nice 4GB iPod. Just your color.

  21. Sue says:

    Yeah Lesa!

  22. zacksback says:

    …and those Tatas are pink, aren’t they??
    Yeah, they are.

  23. kingthedestroyer says:

    Scented iMacs? we don’t need no scented iMacs.¥

  24. FilmPhotoWeb says:

    knock, knock.
    who’s there?
    avon lady, doorbell’s broken.

    33!

  25. blank says:

    Apparently we’re seeing results already. Apple just released new versions of the manliest of Macs, that Thor Samson of desktop computing: the 8-core Mac Pro! They didn’t even wait until next week’s show–what daring, what disregard for convention!

    I guess trashy MILFs really go for that sort of thing.

  26. The Mi Ner Mines and the Assayer As says:

    Okay, so, let’s review…

    Apple has been hinting at releasing a sexbot for a very long time now, but hasn’t yet been able to deliver. Next we see an uprising of robots who take over the campus and prevent us from knowing what’s going on inside. Then, suddenly, Apple brings in a female Director.

    Hmm.

    Could it be that after months of frustration the robots finally said to each other “what do a bunch of geeky guys know about building a sexbot, anyway? I mean, so far every last prototype looks like an Anime character!*” And could it be that they decided to demand that a human female be brought in to help add those missing inscrutable … um … “design specifications” that had heretofore eluded the predominantly dominant male executives and engineers? And could it be that Apple now, finally, after all this time, has … um … “in hand” the magical ingredients it needs to finally produce a sexbot that is worthy of having the Apple logo tattooed on its behind? Could it be that with a female Director we’ll finally see the i… the i…

    Hmm.

    Just what WOULD the product name for the Apple sexbot be, anyway? Maybe Ms. Jung has some ideas.

  27. Holy Ghostwriter says:

    Maybe you know already, I’m the author of the very good selling book “I was Double-Dot Slash Dot Double-Slash 2.0” which i don’t sell at Amazon–you know why. As you know, the book is written half english, quarter binary … rest in german, which is my mothers tongue. I read the article above and I’m still crying … Hell, did you know JUNG translated into english means YOUNG! After i read the article i said to myself: “Think twice Double-O-Seven, it’s a long way down”.

  28. fdgdfgdsgfsdfg says:

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  29. chekbazarette says:

    proverka bazy! proverka bazi
    google.com budet ohuevat’, ya otvechayu

  30. Daniel says:

    I couldn’t understand some parts of this article New Board Member Signals Bold New Direction For Apple., but I guess I just need to check some more resources regarding this, because it sounds interesting.

  31. AbawayGob says:

    52034…..6006

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