While others claim to have the keynote outline, CARS has received a bona fide copy including comments in the border written by Steve Jobs himself.
Check it out.
MUST CREDIT CARS!
9:15 AM – While eating a large waffle breakfast at the local Denny’s with Phil Schiller, suddenly look at watch. Say “Holy shit, Phil! We’re late for the keynote!” Race out of the Denny’s as – seemingly from nowhere – banjo music starts to play. [JOBS COMMENT: I don’t get this. Why would I do this? This doesn’t make any sense. It’s stupid. It’s absurd. You know Phil and I only eat at the Waffle House. Fix this.]
9:25 AM – Take the stage to thunderous applause. Pause for a moment and then wipe strawberry jam and whipped cream from the waffles off your face.
9:30 AM – Review the successes from the last year. After doing the same financial and market share and number of iTunes songs sold crap, say “And any of you remember… this?!” and pull out an iPhone. Strike a number of dramatic poses with the iPhone. Point index finger at random members of the crowd and cock your thumb at them like you’re shooting them dead with how unbelievably cool the iPhone is. Several smiling and scantily clad women will join you on stage as confetti and balloons with “iPhone!” written on them fall from the ceiling. Just when it seems to be over, start it all again for another 15 minutes. [JOBS COMMENT: Nice. Can I do a quick costume change before this into something more appropriate than turtleneck and jeans? Like, maybe a shiny green suit?]
10:00 AM – Introduce USB Silly Putty. Demonstrate how, like copying a comic strip with regular Silly Putty, you can just jam it into the USB port of a hard drive and copy the contents.
10:30 AM – Announce exclusive distribution deal with Jay-Z. Go on and on about how great Jay-Z is. Jay-Z, Jay-Z, Jay-Z. Bring Jay-Z up on stage. Isn’t he awesome? Thanks, Jay-Z. You’re great. [JOBS COMMENT: Yeah, OK, someone’s going to have to point out who the hell Jay-Z is to me. Unless he’s going to be wearing a sweat shirt or a sign or something that says “I’m Jay-Z”. I have no idea who he is. This whole thing was Joz’s idea.]
11:00 AM – Introduce new iPhone. New Tablet. New ultra-light laptop with docking station. Introduce people in the first row to the people in the second row. Introduce oranges to the Visigoths. Introduce Rob Enderle to the business end of your Nikes. Introduce pudding as a new Tuesday afternoon Snack Break at Caffe Macs. Finish by introducing a new dance called “the Stevetusi”.
11:30 AM – Ah, fuck, it’s John Mayer again. [JOBS COMMENT: Shit. I’m so sick of that jackass.]
See? That’s a keynote outline.