Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: Hey, I’m going to Macworld next week! Can you provide any helpful hints about making my stay more fun, enjoyable and sex-ay?!

A: You bet we can! In fact, we’ll devote the whole damned Help Desk to it!

So, buckle your seat belts, undo your fly and put your iPhone on vibrate, because…

We’re goin’ to Macworld!

Tip #1 – Hotels do not provide their own mosquito netting. I have no idea why this is but you must bring your own mosquito netting. This is very important. The San Francisco mosquito is 8 inches long and travels in packs of up to 100. They can suck a human body dry in 45 seconds.

Tip #2 – Avoiding Killer Robots. This will be particularly important this year. The best tip is to get yourself some good tennis shoes and run as fast as you can the whole time you’re there. That’ll work well against the big, clunking robots. Unless they shoot lasers from their eyes. Which most do. However, it won’t work a damn against liquid metal robots. You could cover yourself in tin foil and pretend to be one of them, but they’ll start asking you stuff like “Who won the Robot World Series?” to make sure you’re really a robot and who the hell knows that? I mean the team names are all in hex, fer crying out loud.

Tip #3 – If you’re attending the keynote, you should know that Moscone Center security – at the request of Apple – does a full cavity search. And, uh, it’s considered common courtesy to the security personnel to… um… well… “clean yourself out” before hand. Ahem. Uh, there are several pharmacies located near the Moscone Center so… Well.

Tip #4 – If you’re looking to get into the keynote and you think a good way to ensure that you do would be to kill someone with a press or VIP pass, steal their pass and then skin them and wear their skin on you to throw security off even further, don’t. I can tell you from experience that it’s a mess. If you’ve never skinned something before it’s not as easy as you’d think and all that blood is going to draw a lot of attention. Plus, then you’ve got this skin of some Apple journalist lying around your house. And who the hell wants that?

Tip #5 – When Steve Jobs announces something cool, for god’s sake don’t squeal like a little girl. You look like an idiot.

Finally, and this isn’t so much a tip as it is a request, but please, please, please, if you have a Darling Furball t-shirt, make sure to wear it.

Don’t feel bad if I pretend not to notice you. It’s just because you people kind of creep me out.


See you there!