11 Jan 08Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: Hey, I’m going to Macworld next week! Can you provide any helpful hints about making my stay more fun, enjoyable and sex-ay?!

A: You bet we can! In fact, we’ll devote the whole damned Help Desk to it!

So, buckle your seat belts, undo your fly and put your iPhone on vibrate, because…

We’re goin’ to Macworld!

Tip #1 – Hotels do not provide their own mosquito netting. I have no idea why this is but you must bring your own mosquito netting. This is very important. The San Francisco mosquito is 8 inches long and travels in packs of up to 100. They can suck a human body dry in 45 seconds.

Tip #2 – Avoiding Killer Robots. This will be particularly important this year. The best tip is to get yourself some good tennis shoes and run as fast as you can the whole time you’re there. That’ll work well against the big, clunking robots. Unless they shoot lasers from their eyes. Which most do. However, it won’t work a damn against liquid metal robots. You could cover yourself in tin foil and pretend to be one of them, but they’ll start asking you stuff like “Who won the Robot World Series?” to make sure you’re really a robot and who the hell knows that? I mean the team names are all in hex, fer crying out loud.

Tip #3 – If you’re attending the keynote, you should know that Moscone Center security – at the request of Apple – does a full cavity search. And, uh, it’s considered common courtesy to the security personnel to… um… well… “clean yourself out” before hand. Ahem. Uh, there are several pharmacies located near the Moscone Center so… Well.

Tip #4 – If you’re looking to get into the keynote and you think a good way to ensure that you do would be to kill someone with a press or VIP pass, steal their pass and then skin them and wear their skin on you to throw security off even further, don’t. I can tell you from experience that it’s a mess. If you’ve never skinned something before it’s not as easy as you’d think and all that blood is going to draw a lot of attention. Plus, then you’ve got this skin of some Apple journalist lying around your house. And who the hell wants that?

Tip #5 – When Steve Jobs announces something cool, for god’s sake don’t squeal like a little girl. You look like an idiot.

Finally, and this isn’t so much a tip as it is a request, but please, please, please, if you have a Darling Furball t-shirt, make sure to wear it.

Don’t feel bad if I pretend not to notice you. It’s just because you people kind of creep me out.


See you there!

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk”

  1. madnicholas says:

    First! Again!

  2. digitalcowboy says:

    Second? Really?

  3. Coolhandluke says:

    Third? well now.

  4. MEMEME says:


  5. Sudo Nym says:


    What’s the point of going to the keynote if you can’t squeal like a little girl when Steve Jobs announces something cool? I mean, isn’t that the whole point of going?

    Steve! Steve! Steeeeeeeeve! Look at meeeeee!

    That kind of thing?

  6. Apple Lopsider says:

    Darling Furball, eh? That reminds me, John: in one of your other blogs, you said you wouldn’t be there. What gives?

  7. Lee says:

    OK… it’s 7 4 me.

  8. Huh? says:

    Well John, I hadn’t planned on it before, but since you brought it up…

    My Macworld plans now involve staying no more than 3 paces behind you at all times.
    ALL times.

    Not sure how potty breaks will play into this, but I’m sure you’ll figure something out.

    So. Where can we meet?

  9. shawk says:

    I need a very, very large hamburger. With cheese and bacon.

  10. Ace Deuce says:

    Don’t worry about the mosquito netting.–the bugs don’t make their appearance until late spring.

    There’s a shop on Market Street that sells robot netting, though. I recommend you you grab some first thing.

  11. Streetrabbit says:

    Going to MacWorld?

    I thought they banned you last year when you kept screaming “what are the 39 steps” during the keynote?

  12. Nxxx says:

    Moltz a Brit? Surely not Streetrabbit.
    If, however you are correct, I shall burn my passport.
    No, I wont, it’s one of those ghastly EU ones.

  13. Rip Ragged says:

    Wait just a danged minute. That wasn’t Moltz, it was a killer robot posing as Moltz. How else would he know that the robot team names are in hex? Huh? Have you ever seen Moltz and Ballmer in the same room? Well?

    Besides, all you need in SF is some flowers. For your hair.


  14. Huh? says:

    Dang! Stop that!

  15. Fla Man says:

    This is great!

    You don’t know how hard it is to find tips on making my satay more fun.

  16. zacksback says:

    One of the guys here in the home used to speak in
    hex. When he spoke at all. Hasn’t in about a month.
    Just kinda sits there. Said he used to draw straight
    lines for Apple back in the day. We knew he was lying
    ’cause he has this funny waving flag tattooed on his

  17. iMoo says:

    Fun satay??? That’s so easy… I recommend the chicken with the banana ketchup.

  18. I once told Bill that I thought Steve Jobs was so slick that he could sell high-tech Bricks to all of those cultie iTards out there! Well, he is going to keynote on Monday and that is exactly what I think he is going to do! If he “One mo thang ya’ll” then introduces the iBrick he will get a standing ovation, the media will hail it as a world changing break-through, Microsoft’s demise will be predicted and all of the blogs will prominently feature quicktime 3d images of it!

    The i-Slickster is coming, they have already put up banners in the Muskcone center saying. “Something is in the Air!”
    I suggest that whatever it is, you don’t inhale too deeply!

  19. Steve G. says:

    Re Tip #3: Does that mean one should buy a douche or an enema?
    Rob Enderle, if anyone forgot, is both. I mean should buy both.
    Oh, look. Wasn’t that wireless pudding?

  20. Sudo Nym says:

    Wait a second… iBrick? “Something is in the air”?

    You know what this means? Krazy and Ignatz are back!

  21. J0n says:

    “[T]he team names are all in hex….”

    Moltz, that’s one of the funniest things you’ve ever written!

    (I know, sad, isn’t it?)

    “There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.”

  22. kingthedestroyer says:

    iBrick, does it come in black?R

  23. I for one welcome our evil robot overlords. What kind of geeks do you all claim to be anyway, unable to read in hex?

    For the benefit of our evil robot overlords …

    %49%20%66%6f%72%20%6f%6e%65%20%77%65%6c%63%6f%6d%65%20%6f%75%72%20%65%76%69%6c%20%72%6f%62%6f%74%20%6f%76%65%72%6c%6f%72%64%73%2e%20%57%68%61%74%20%6b%69%6e%64%20%6f%66%20%67%65%65%6b%73%20%64%6f%20%79%6f%75%20%61%6c%6c%20%63%6c%61%69%6d%20%74%6f%20%62%65%20%61%6e%79%77%61%79%2c%20%75%6e%61%62%6c%65%20%74%6f%20%72%65%61%64%20%69%6e%20%68%65%78%3f %42%69%6c%6c%20%47%61%74%65%73%20%69%73%20%74%68%65%20%74%72%75%65%20%65%6e%65%6d%79%2c%20%30%20%68%69%73%20%73%6f%72%72%79%20%61%73%73%21

  24. Nice formatting. Guess this site doesn’t believe in “polluting” our posts with extraneous line breaks which could in an alternate universe potentially change the meaning.

    No worries, the evil robot overlords will be able to read that fine anyway. As for the rest of you, well … you’re geeks who can’t read hex anyway so why should I care? Huh? Tell me!!!

  25. Vince says:

    #1) I’ve heard they’ll bite your neck off. The hotel people, not the mosquitoes.

    #2) I’ve heard the robots in San Franny are green robots. If their bio-fuels run dry, they go dormant long enough to make an escape.

    #3) This is San Franny we’re talking about… that kind of search may be encouraged, ya know. The more uncomfortable the search, the further away the recipient comes from…

    #4) Hmm. Bunny rabbits usually skin very cleanly, like pulling a tight glove off a pale hand, little mess. Surely VIPs are no different?

    #5) If you DO decide to squeal like a little girl, feel confident knowing you will not be the only one.

    Cannot wait to see the fun unfold!

  26. Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk seems quite interesting – Kasper P.