BREAKING NEWS: CARS Not Acquired By Microsoft, Still Just On Hiatus.

The Apple web community was singularly relieved to learn that Crazy Apple Rumors Site was not acquired by Microsoft today like so many other sites, and is still just on indefinite hiatus.

A fact-finding team consisting of Glenn Fleishman, Jason Snell and Paul Kafasis ventured to Tacoma to confirm that the site was indeed just no longer publishing, had not been scooped up by the Redmond giant and that the whole thing wasn’t just some kind of misunderstanding or technical glitch.

“John’s not the most technical guy in the world, so we thought maybe he was still banging the post button every day with a bottle of Jameson’s and not really realizing nothing was making onto the web,” Fleishman said.

“Barring that, we were concerned about him after the events leading up to the site going on hiatus. I’m sure it was hard having the rug pulled out from under him like that and I’d hate to see him do something intensely stupid like sell out to Microsoft, like so many sites seem to do on April 1st every year. Because that really is intensely, monumentally stupid. All these sites that get sold to Microsoft every year on April 1st? Really dumb.

“And, um, also we went down there because he owes us money.”

According to Fleishman, the site has not been sold to Microsoft and is, in fact, still just on hiatus. Editor-In-Chief John Moltz was found face down on the floor of his Tacoma home, surrounded by empty boxes of Screaming Yellow Zonkers, snoring loudly and mumbling softly about Jennifer fricking Connelly.

“After rousting him, we were able to confirm that the site had not been sold to Microsoft and was still… uh, just on hiatus. I want to make that point perfectly clear. Not sold. Hiatus. Also, he said he would pay us back next Tuesday, assuming he manages to sell some old hardware to ‘this dude he knows’.”

Some members of the Apple community were rather unfazed by the news, however. Daring Fireball‘s John Gruber simply shrugged and went back to alternately doodling “Mrs. John Gruber Jeter” and “Mrs. John Gruber Kubrick” on the cover of a notebook.

Rich Mogull, meanwhile, could not be reached for comment as he was being chased from the Apple community by an angry crowd.

Apple declined to comment, having taken the day off to celebrate its 32nd anniversary.

114 thoughts on “BREAKING NEWS: CARS Not Acquired By Microsoft, Still Just On Hiatus.”

  1. ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS!

    ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS!

    ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS!

    ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS!

    ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS!

    ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS!

    ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS!

    ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS!

    ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS! ZONKERS!

    HYENAS! HYENAS! HYENAS! HYENAS! HYENAS! HYENAS!

  2. This is just great. I go on extended holiday with Jennifer Frackin Connelley (Who I turned into a Battlestar Galactica fan, by the way), and come back to this.

    Well, John, since I can’t correct your spelling, I can at least offer some advice: If you are going to lie prostrate on the floor, at least wear pants.

    Or Pants™©®, if you prefer.

    Well, we must be off. We’re on our way to an archaeological dig, looking for clues to Jack Miller’s whereabouts.

  5. Moof,
    I do hope that “Well pump” is not a reference to something unmentionable in polite or child company.

  7. Like anyone with half a brain would believe that Moltz would sell out to the Great Tech Satan.

    Although I heard he was collaborating with Steve Ballmer on a new line of anti-perspirants.

    The focus groups weren’t too crazy about the proposed name: Monkey-Boy Stink Purty.

    Not that it matters, since geeks barely bathe, much less use hygiene products.

  9. No Nxxx. The well pump reference was clean and should not harm your vigin (virginal?) ears. Pulling 250+ feet of cable / plastic hosing to replace the pump is a chore though. Makes you really appreciate things like city water / sewage … for a couple minutes anyways.

  10. Virgle? No, that couldn’t be it, since the first is well behind us.

    Vegan? Not that either, since I doubt you meant either Jobs or others from Vega.

    One thing I am sure of is that I don’t miss the red stains the iron dissolved in our well water used to leave on everything. At least we weren’t anemic.

  11. Lots o’ sand in my well water, need some paper and some glue and I could go into the freckle removing business.

  12. No red stains from the water, but the Virginia clay makes up for that. Can’t vouch for “little microscopic friends” living in there though. Suppose I should re-test, but that’ll wait until I get a massive case of the runs or something.

    Giving serious consideration to rebuilding an outhouse (red, white, blue and green for Italian Americans, and don’t forget the pirate flag for the roof!) You never need one until you REALLY need one!

  13. The website never completely went away from my toolbar… I stuck it in the “Hiatus” folder.

    (Which also has The Pikmin Onion and the IRTC links in it.)

  14. I, for one, did not get fooled this year. Not one thing got me. They all tried, but I was too clever this year. Nothing worked. Not the mugger telling me he’d stab me with his fake knife if I didn’t give him my wallet or the fake blood all over my neck. Not even the phony stop lights, photoshopped speed limit signs, police sirens, lights or tazer. Not even the joke of a jail cell. I did happen to have more than my fair share of bad luck that day, but it’s a small price to pay for not getting fooled even once! I’m just confused as to why they moved me to a real jail cell while I was sleeping that night and won’t let me out.

    MARK

  15. Well that settles that. But what about the rumors of shortages in the “idea supply” chain? I suspect the real talent has been lured away to MacNewsWorld.com .

  17. Perhaps I should have put “talent” in the little quote thingies. 🙂 Besides everyone knows that lesbian ninjas and intelligent beings from other worlds are so “yesterday”.

    I for one won’t miss this site. Won’t miss it at all. Never. Nope, not a bit. I don’t even check back here anymore. In fact I am replying now via my proxy, a toilet bowl swab from the local service station.

  21. A Good Thing?
    Really Ace, you have a greater vocaab/vucub, vucab/choice of words than that.

  23. I think someone hacked my Mac; this just appeared in my feed reader today. Aw crap, there they are with the torches and pitchforks again…

  33. Looks like “overseas” is relative.

    Or relatives are overseas, or maybe back in the old country (or the new country, if you’re the relatives).

  37. In that spirit, I will point out that I’m not over seas either, but I am above ground.

  41. Is it possible to arrange an April 31st next year?
    We will also need a February 28, 29, 30 and 31st, then June and November need adjustment.
    My birthday will never come round.

  42. I hate to break it to you Nxxx, but February 28 comes around every year without adjustment. February 29 will need some help for a couple of years, but it staggers in regularly, too.

  48. I’m feeling giddy but I’ll take just one more step
    A
    A
    A
    A
    A
    A
    A
    h
    h
    h
    h
    h
    h
    !

  49. I’m feeling giddy but I’ll take just one more step
    A
    A
    A
    A
    A
    A
    A
    h
    h
    h
    h
    h
    h
    !

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