BREAKING NEWS: CARS Not Acquired By Microsoft, Still Just On Hiatus.

The Apple web community was singularly relieved to learn that Crazy Apple Rumors Site was not acquired by Microsoft today like so many other sites, and is still just on indefinite hiatus.

A fact-finding team consisting of Glenn Fleishman, Jason Snell and Paul Kafasis ventured to Tacoma to confirm that the site was indeed just no longer publishing, had not been scooped up by the Redmond giant and that the whole thing wasn’t just some kind of misunderstanding or technical glitch.

“John’s not the most technical guy in the world, so we thought maybe he was still banging the post button every day with a bottle of Jameson’s and not really realizing nothing was making onto the web,” Fleishman said.

“Barring that, we were concerned about him after the events leading up to the site going on hiatus. I’m sure it was hard having the rug pulled out from under him like that and I’d hate to see him do something intensely stupid like sell out to Microsoft, like so many sites seem to do on April 1st every year. Because that really is intensely, monumentally stupid. All these sites that get sold to Microsoft every year on April 1st? Really dumb.

“And, um, also we went down there because he owes us money.”

According to Fleishman, the site has not been sold to Microsoft and is, in fact, still just on hiatus. Editor-In-Chief John Moltz was found face down on the floor of his Tacoma home, surrounded by empty boxes of Screaming Yellow Zonkers, snoring loudly and mumbling softly about Jennifer fricking Connelly.

“After rousting him, we were able to confirm that the site had not been sold to Microsoft and was still… uh, just on hiatus. I want to make that point perfectly clear. Not sold. Hiatus. Also, he said he would pay us back next Tuesday, assuming he manages to sell some old hardware to ‘this dude he knows’.”

Some members of the Apple community were rather unfazed by the news, however. Daring Fireball‘s John Gruber simply shrugged and went back to alternately doodling “Mrs. John Gruber Jeter” and “Mrs. John Gruber Kubrick” on the cover of a notebook.

Rich Mogull, meanwhile, could not be reached for comment as he was being chased from the Apple community by an angry crowd.

Apple declined to comment, having taken the day off to celebrate its 32nd anniversary.

114 thoughts on “BREAKING NEWS: CARS Not Acquired By Microsoft, Still Just On Hiatus.”

  1. Well it’s gone 4 pm here. Lovely to read you John. We’ve been doing our best to keep it going.

  2. Oh, how my heart fluttered when Growl popped with notification of a new CARS post. Such sweet memories!

  3. Great to see a new post John, but being April 1st, is this story about CARS not being sold to MS an April Fools joke, cause if it is …. then you really did sell to MS????? I’m confused. Top 20!!!

  4. So if an April Fools installment mentions that the site is still on hiatus, that means the hiatus period is over, right? April Fools!

    Or not. I’m confused, as usual.

  5. XIX! Palindromic victory is mine!

    Also, the bittersweet pill of noticing a CARS post and finding that it was nothing more than a hollow shell of an article, probably paid for by GlennF as a “promotional consideration”, whatever that means.

  6. What’s this?
    An April 1st hiatus hiatus?
    A round of Jameson’s for all…
    I think i will now have two…

    in a big glass…

  7. Yay! New post! New post!
    (runs in circles until too dizzy to stand)
    New… post… yay!

  8. Can I go back to the hyenas now? We were having such a blast. Those guys – they crack me up…

  9. Hey, this blog is funny! I’m going to come back here and read it every day from now on.

    What? What’s so funny? Why are you laughing?

  10. Thanks John, for waiting to post until right after I checked the CARS site (as part of my morning devotional prior to leaving for work), thereby cheating me of a top five post. Sheesh! You really know how to hurt a guy.

  11. First to use the term “cantankerous old fart” with no hint of irony.

    Hi John. Did you miss me?

    I changed my mind on renting a carpet shampooer. For the same money we can get two pizzas AND a six pack of Broken Halo.

  12. Wow, so this wasn’t an April Fool. Or is it? How would I know if this is a real post or a fake one? Maybe I will run around in circles too until I am dizzy. At least that is funner than a Daring Furball

  13. You just came back here to avoid drowning Scoble’s Twitter-a-second Tsumani.
    And you were afraid that Hair-of-Breen and Ayn Rand were talking behind your back.

  14. And here I thought everybody over at Rip’s was joking…
    There IS a new post.

    Whadda ya know…

    Well, I’m just going to cheer Vitamin Fortified on until he’s dizzy AND pukes.
    Because that, folks, is comedy.

  15. Well shit! I figured there was no way Moltz would post on the first. It’s one of his most important non-working holiday weeks! It’s probably an imposter. Either way, a welcome sight!

  16. Lucky 31teenth! Why doesn’t Microsoft make lesbian ninja sexbots? Apart from the red ring of death, I mean.

  17. The Microsoft lesbian ninja sexbots have yet to pass Microsoft quality assurance as they are not user unfriendly enough.
    They have great hope for the diesel dyke service pack, however.

  18. 1036 is 1986 in the Berber calendar and 398 in the Burmese calendar. Coincidence?
    I think not!

  19. I knew that CARS didn’t crash. It couldn’t have. Macs don’t crash, except for ThinkSecret.

  20. ”… Editor-In-Chief John Moltz was found face down on the floor of his Tacoma home, surrounded by empty boxes of Screaming Yellow Zonkers, snoring loudly and mumbling softly about Jennifer fricking Connelly.”

    Tacoma…. Why does it always have to be Tacoma?

    Small wonder Moltz ran off with those Nympho-sexbot Ninjas. (MS sloppy programming…should of been Lesbos…. undocumented feature that)

    Sun Seldom Shines Tacoma

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