Archive for January, 2010

26 JanLetters.app Project Dissolves

In a disappointing turn of events for the fledgling project, create a more robust alternative to Apple’s Mail.app called Letters.app has dissolved over “irreconcilable differences”.

“The egos involved were simply too big, Daring Fireball auteur felt continually nitpicked by back-seat drivers.

“Nobody sees my vision!” screamed Gruber, stabbing out his clove cigarette, taking a sip from a $10 beer in a can and adjusting his beret. “Only I know which fonts are appropriate! Only I know which menu items go where! Only I know which controls are controlliest! And I refuse to have my ideas, my concepts, my passion be questioned by Philistines!

“It is as if you asked Stanley Kubrick to direct a dinner theater production! Or asked Joe Torre to manage the Nationals! It cannot be done!”

Others associated with the project, meanwhile, blamed Gruber himself for its failure.

“I am an artiste!” cried Panic Software‘s Cabel Sasser, flinging his scarf around his neck. “If anyone knows about making softwares that are beautiful to the touch, it is I, not this pixel-pushing lout of a man whose personal grooming is also suspect!”

Most simply blamed everyone but themselves.

Imb├ęciles!” exclaimed Brent Simmons, inexplicably speaking in French. “Je ne peux pas travailler avec ces imb├ęciles!”

Technical lead Gus Mueller has reportedly taken the existing source code – currently nothing more than five lines of comments and one IBAction – and renamed it CrunchMail.app. Mueller hopes to have a working product of his own personal design some time next year, but right now is more concerned with fulfilling the obligations of his tell-all book deal with O’Reilly.

20 JanApple Reveals Post-Tablet Product Plans

At a press conference today, Apple CEO Steve Jobs – in a stunning breach of precedent – revealed the product line Apple will be working on after the tablet. Never before has Jobs been so forthcoming with his plans and reporters were caught flat-footed, rushing to make the event after being notified just yesterday.

“It’s no secret we’re announcing a tablet on the 27th,” said Jobs. “And it’s going to be really special, so you’ll want to stay tuned for that. But I’m here to talk about what comes after the tablet.”

Jobs went on to reveal that Apple will be taking on an entirely new product set and blazing a trail in an industry that doesn’t even exist yet: the market for attractive human genitals.

“Look at your genitals!” Jobs said to the gathered reporters. “They’re a mess! All hairy and wrinkly with flaps of variously-shaded skin all over and stuff. Ew. I don’t know who designed them but…

“No, don’t look at them now!” Jobs said suddenly. “Look at them later!

“Jesus, Walt.”

Jobs believes this market – like those of the digital music player and the cell phone before it – is full of sub-standard products and ripe for the kind of shake-up Apple specializes in.

“I’m not talking about genitals that are larger,” Jobs said. “Although, yes, in some instances they will be larger than what you’re currently used to. David.

“No, I’m talking about genitals that are simply better designed and more aesthetically pleasing.”

According to Jobs, male members will be constructed from a new synthetic human tissue that collapses into a more attractive shape when not in use. The scrotum will be a replaceable peripheral in easily identifiable ‘fully loaded’ and ‘firing blanks’ versions. Women’s parts, meanwhile, will be almost invisible from the outside, not have those monthly “maintenance” issues and include a revolutionary new security mechanism.

Jobs indicated that he was taking the unusual step of announcing Apple’s entry into the genitals market because he felt certain the no one would be able to ramp up fast enough to catch the company.

“I’ve seen some of the designs Jonny [Ive] has been working on,” Jobs said. “He’s been doodling them in a notebook for years and I finally said ‘What is that? It looks like a woman’s hoo-ha. But without all the messy bits.'”

Ive smiled nervously in the front row.

“Clearly, Jonny had spent a lot of time thinking about this,” Jobs said. “I mean a lot of time.”

Apple’s male genitals are expected to gently enter the market some time this summer around 7:00 PM, with the female genitals coming about fifteen minutes later. And then again fifteen minutes after that.

14 JanHigh Above Seattle, Bezos Plots a Product Launch

[Crazy Apple Rumors Site is proud to introduce its new contributing reporter, Stock Photo Guy! Please see the staff page for more information!]

Amazon.com founder Jeff Bezos announced a new version of the Kindle designed to compete with an array of tablet computers being released at an announcement held at the company’s Seattle headquarters, high above the city. Dubbed the Krampus, the device will feature 16 GB of built-in memory, a high-resolution LCD screen, and random painful electric shocks.

Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon.com and the world’s only known giraffe billionaire, runs the company from what’s known locally as “Lex Luthor’s Secret Lair on the Hill.” “Technically, I bought it from The Legion of Cobras, not Lex Luthor, but it was his first,” Bezos told assembled reporters. “And it’s hardly secret! Brrraaaaaahhaaa haaaaaa!”

Reporters were invited into a large auditorium in a previously undisclosed cavern 20 stories below the parking garage. After signing an NDA, journalists were shackled and chained.

Bezos was visibly excited about the new offering. “Behold! My iSlate killer!” he said, whipping a cloth from a small computing device. When an AP reporter told Bezos that the iSlate was just part of a domain name that Apple had likely registered in anticipation of possible names, and that Apple never names things as awkwardly as the iSlate or the Kindle, Bezos grew enraged, and shot rays of pure energy from his fingers. The AP reporter and several others in his vicinity were broken down into a pile of aromatic hydrocarbons.

“You fool! Don’t you think I know that!” Bezos screamed and cackled. Sort of a braying screaming cackle. It’s hard to describe, and reporters found that what with the shackles preventing notes and restricting circulation, that it became increasingly difficult to write dispassionately and descriptively.

“My spies — AppleInsider, MacNN, Gizmodo, Engadget, and John C. Welch — have revealed all the details of the new tablet that that nincompoop Steve Jobs will announce in two weeks. But I have the upper hand! Haw haw haaaaaa haw haw!”

Bezos demonstrated the featureset of the Krampus on unwilling press and analysts. “The high-contrast screen allows you to view horrific videos even when placed inches from your eyelids, forced open by clamps,” Bezos explained.

The potential market interest in screen-only devices that could be ebook readers as well as general-purpose computers has recently dimmed sales potential of the Kindle, leading to subterranean development efforts.

“My spies have been unable to penetrate 1 Infinite Loop, which is surrounded by an ionized causal nexus,” Bezos explained, while casually snapping the neck of a Gizmodo blogger. “However, I possess the Eye of Ayn Rand — really, it’s literally her eye — which revealed to me the dimensions, features, and cost of goods.”

Bezos shot 20 feet in the air on rocket-powered boots, and fired flechettes that struck and killed analysts from Gartner, IDG, and the Enderle Group. “This will destroy Apple’s iSlate,” said Rob Enderle, before expiring noisily.

While the market potential for tablet computers remains to be exploited, under any name, Amazon’s entry into the market, coupled with 100,000 soldier marketers training in distribution centers around the country may overwhelm Apple’s hundreds of stores.

Bezos displayed a map of the United States on which Apple Stores were located on the Krampus, and then use multi-finger gestures to trigger missiles and other explosives to destroy the stores and all matter in a half-mile radius around each shop.

The Krampus will have a 10.5-inch diameter LCD, a touch screen, 16 GB of storage, and both Wi-Fi and a cellular connection, and ship with a library of tens of millions of books forcibly scanned from libraries and publishers around the world. Pricing is yet to be determined, but it will be somewhere between 50% of your annual earnings and your immortal soul.

As the press conference concluded, Bezos engaged his shielding and deadly neutrino energy flooded the cavern. Shielded behind Enderle — a Microsoft Research cyborg made mostly of lead and beryllium — I alone survived to tell the tale.

11 JaniWork Killer App For Tablet?

Astounding news is rocking the tablet rumor circuit as Apple appears prepared to deliver a tablet-enabled version of iWork when it introduces its new tablet at the tablet special event on January 27th, also known as “Tablet launch day”. (Tablet.)

Needless to say, Apple fans are beside themselves as the thought of rocking spreadsheets through an as yet-to-be-determined input mechanism has them literally salivating.

“I am so fucking psyched,” said Mac user Jim Ray, wiping his chin. “Spreadsheets fucking rule. And I have to imagine that spreadsheets on a tablet ultra-mega-rule, what with the smaller screen size. Just think, we’ll be able to do spreadsheets or write business letters or create presentations – but mostly do spreadsheets – in the bathroom!

“I mean, I do that already, but now I’m gonna do it on a tablet! Wow!”

While the excitement generated by the killer combination of spreadsheets and tablets is palpable, some questions remain.

“I can’t believe that in just a few weeks I’m going to be typing into a spreadsheet on the tablet’s virtual keyboard!” said Macworld’s Dan Moren. “Or, possibly, writing etext with a stylus on a spreadsheet! That always works so awesome. Or, maybe, talking into the tablet and having my numbers flawlessly be translated into the spreadsheet through some kind of ‘computer magic’. One thing we know for sure is that it won’t be via a physical keyboard because this is a tablet and that would just be lame.

“But, hell, I don’t care how it happens! All I care about is spreadsheets on tablets! Yeah!”

Analysts were at a loss to explain why the potential for iWork on a tablet has everyone so worked up. Some pointed to recent controversial scientific studies that showed brain damage in rats after prolonged exposure to aluminum.

04 JanWelcome to Macintosh

I neglected to mention that it was on tonight so you’ve already missed one airing, but if you were too cheap to buy it or rent it, the fabulous documentary Welcome to Macintosh will be on CNBC again Friday at midnight ET, 9:00pm PT.

I appear in it, but only in a small window so as not to frighten those of a sensitive nature such as small children, pregnant women or milk-producing livestock.

Here’s a sample:



See, that’s not so bad.

Anyway, Rob and Josh are our kind of people and you might actually learn a thing or two by watching it. I know I did.

Like I’m overpaying for my haircuts. That was one thing I learned. And goatees are out. That was another.

I also learned some stuff not related to my personal grooming. Stuff about Apple and Macs. Of course, anything I said I already knew. So, you know, those parts were wasted on me. But the other stuff was interesting.