Letters.app Project Dissolves

In a disappointing turn of events for the fledgling project, create a more robust alternative to Apple’s Mail.app called Letters.app has dissolved over “irreconcilable differences”.

“The egos involved were simply too big, Daring Fireball auteur felt continually nitpicked by back-seat drivers.

“Nobody sees my vision!” screamed Gruber, stabbing out his clove cigarette, taking a sip from a $10 beer in a can and adjusting his beret. “Only I know which fonts are appropriate! Only I know which menu items go where! Only I know which controls are controlliest! And I refuse to have my ideas, my concepts, my passion be questioned by Philistines!

“It is as if you asked Stanley Kubrick to direct a dinner theater production! Or asked Joe Torre to manage the Nationals! It cannot be done!”

Others associated with the project, meanwhile, blamed Gruber himself for its failure.

“I am an artiste!” cried Panic Software‘s Cabel Sasser, flinging his scarf around his neck. “If anyone knows about making softwares that are beautiful to the touch, it is I, not this pixel-pushing lout of a man whose personal grooming is also suspect!”

Most simply blamed everyone but themselves.

Imbéciles!” exclaimed Brent Simmons, inexplicably speaking in French. “Je ne peux pas travailler avec ces imbéciles!”

Technical lead Gus Mueller has reportedly taken the existing source code – currently nothing more than five lines of comments and one IBAction – and renamed it CrunchMail.app. Mueller hopes to have a working product of his own personal design some time next year, but right now is more concerned with fulfilling the obligations of his tell-all book deal with O’Reilly.

67 thoughts on “Letters.app Project Dissolves”

  1. “You are all ridiculous morons with your heads so far up your asses you can see Russia from your ears!” screamed John “Bynkii” Welch. “Unless this application supports all of the IMAP features I personally want, you braindead monkeysticks are not allowed to call this an IMAP client! Your mothers probably mated with giraffes… At the Zoo! Which is at least twice as bad as wild giraffes! You call yourselves programmers… I call you poo poo heads! With poo on top! I hope you get Ebola! It is clear to anyone with half a brain that I am the foremost expert on IMAP! The f word! The s word! Multiple additional s words! This project failed because you did not program exactly what I told you, you pea-brained imbecilles whose mothers are… wait, I think I already mentioned the mothers. Never mind about that, then.”

  2. Dixième !
    Indeed, I need some new app to get me somme low-cost penis élargisseur.

  3. You do realise this is all a ploy; it’s no coincidence that this was announced right *before* the iTabletOfGod is announced. They are really going to release this for the iTabletOfGod and cash in big; screw that open-source crap.

  4. How about an email client that has a built-in ASCII art fuction? I could almost get excited about that.

    Almost.

  5. @Sudo Nym I’d have to agree on that one….

    Oh, and my Pants™ claim to have a working beta of the software. I think they’re just pulling my leg.

  6. [Silly is walking casually by when he spots Nxxx. Silly is not so silly as to fail to recognize another tragic victim of Unlucky thirteen when he sees one.]

    Nxxx! Oh, my Gosh! What happened to you?!

    [Silly rushes to Nxxx’s side and props up his head. Silly looks about at the rest of you with and expression of stern incredulity.]

    What’s wrong with you people?! Can’t you see that Nxxx has been… been… [Silly turns to inspect Nxxx’s injuries. A look of horror seizes his face as he fights off the urge to retch.] Oh, it’s too horrible to describe! Move back, everyone… give the man some air!

    [Silly dramatically holds Nxxx’s shoulders.] Hang on, Nxxx… stay with us, big fella! Don’t you dare give up on us!

    [Looking up, Silly desperately scans the horizon.] Dammit! Where’s that ambulance?!

    [Silly looks back at Nxxx.] Oh, no! He’s stopped breathing! [Silly wipes his entire left arm along his kisser.] I’ll have to administer artificial respiration! [Silly’s drooling mouth slowly approach Nxxx’s increasingly blue lips…]

  7. Silly is safe. I am a straight vegetarian with no bestiality traits but must stop drinking absinthe, even on iTablet day.

  8. If it truly is the Jesus Tablet, will the startup sound be a chorus of angels?

    If so, can I change it to a demonic laugh. You know, just for the irony. (Mmm… I love the smell of irony in the morning.)

  9. 1980 ford f 150 pickup.
    trouble with carb peformance. choke plate sticks even after multi re-builds.

    this is car talk right?

  10. re; pad
    where’s the promised pen is input port ? or is there a 3rd party device forthcoming?
    gosh was really hoping to give my hand a rest.

  11. [Silly is seen to be lying unconscious on his back, cartoon stars spiralling around his head. He stirs, barely opens his wobbling eyes, and shakily rises just enough so that he can prop himself up on his elbows.]

    “Where’d he go?” [Silly looks around while rubbing the back of his head with one hand. He sniffs the air, and a lingering distinctive scent in the air triggers his memory.]

    “That’s strange,” he reflects in a curious tone. “The last thing I remember is Nxxx belching, and then there was this intense smell of absinthe!”

  12. [Silly is seen to be coming up from the basement. He goes to the dining room, and is surprised to see nothing and no one there. He looks puzzled for a moment, then shrugs his shoulders, turns, and goes back downstairs.]

  13. —You have a tab on your ear !
    —Oh ! Where did I put my pen ?

    (French joke)

  14. I’ve seen the actual code! One thing of note – of the five lines of comments, four concern the format that is to be used for comments.

    It’s two spaces per tab, dammit!

  15. Meant to say this earlier, John…

    This post is true satire: insightful, witty, and clever. You continue to make CARS a bright jewel in the kaleidoscope that is the Apple community. Thanks for doing so.

  16. Now, Benny . . . that *is* satire.

    Nice.

    ‘insightful, witty, and clever’.

    Genius.

    Next you’ll be describing CARS as a ‘triumph’ and Moltz as a ‘giant among wits’.

    You should get a column or something.

  17. Incidentally, did anyone see those pictures of Gruber at the Panic office party launch thing?

    Did anyone also notice that Moltz *wasn’t in the room*.

    At the same time as Gruber.

    Hmmm…

    PS: If you *do* get a column, Benny, could you please use it to bully Moltz into even more regular posts. He’s clearly in the same state as an alcoholic in desperate denial that his foot is dragging along the ground at the back of the wagon. A couple more shoves and he’ll tumble. Oh yes.

  18. Never has the world needed the rumor-mongering of John Moltz more than it does right now.

    Yes, I know that’s not saying much, but it’s the unvarnished truth.

  19. There is no truth this side of the Pond. We have a General and Local Council Elections on May 6th, probably.

  20. How does one go about measuring a ‘wit’? I don’t have a ‘wit-o-meter’.

    Does this wit make my butt look big?

  21. Wit? Might as well throw in some whits and some Whigs while you’re at it.

    Brother, did you have a typo and mean a “giant among twits?”

  22. Yes, I did have a typo. A double, in fact. You’ve only corrected one of ’em.

    Need to work on that vowel now, Steve.

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