Serious iPad Flaw Discovered

Apple is hastily trying to respond to a serious iPad flaw that has only now come to light after customers have been using the device for several weeks. The company’s support forums are rife with complaints about the iPad’s deleterious effects, including one from Ryan McCloskey of Dayton, Ohio.

“I was sitting down on the couch to watch Netflix on the iPad,” McCloskey said. “And I noticed these scuff marks on the coffee table… right where I was going to put my feet.

According to McCloskey, the optimal ergonomics in his home for the iPad involve him sitting in a slouched position on his couch with his feet propped up on the coffee table and the iPad resting on his thighs, using the “false boner” created by his jeans as a stand. And since acquiring his iPad, McCloskey says, he’s been sitting like this so much he’s destroyed an heirloom coffee table that’s been in his family since 1985.

From Anchorage to Key West, from San Diego to Bar Harbor, this position has widely been confirmed as the most optimal by iPad owners who have used the device for more than a week.

The result is a rash of scuffed and scraped coffee tables across a nation where sitting down around the coffee table to enjoy beer, board games and electronic devices (but, ironically, not coffee) has long been considered not really a national pastime per se, but some kind of more ill-defined national activity of unspecified frequency and duration.

The devastating coffee table Armageddon inflicted by the iPad has, of course, prompted the predictable lawsuit.

“Apple’s astounding disregard for the damage the iPad has done to its customers’ furniture is reprehensible,” said attorney Rhys Shea. “Even the company’s own marketing materials negligently suggest customers prop their feet up on their coffee tables to the detriment of their finish and structural integrity.”

Won't somebody think of the furniture?
(Images copyright Apple, Inc.)

“The members of my firm’s class action suit against the company will not be satisfied until they have their entire living room sets replace,” Shea said.

“Because all the pieces match, you know. You can’t just replace the coffee table. You have to replace the cabinet and the side table… the whole living room set.”

Apart from the class action, a group of concerned parents has formed to protest the iPad. The group claims that the kind of relaxed sitting position the iPad elicits — one that parents have been telling their children not to do for decades, if not millennia — will incite disobedience, sloth and immoral behavior.

Spokesperson Maureen Crimp said “I’ve seen the data. The correlation between sitting in a slouched position with your feet on the furniture and the kind of depraved activities that are tearing our society apart — masturbation, driving over the speed limit, premarital sex and watching ‘Glee’ — is almost 1:1.”

Not one to miss an opportunity, Griffin Technology announced today the $49.95 Sole Soother for iPad, a revolutionary protective covering for tables and other surfaces. The Sole Soother will be available in July in leather, neoprene, and microsuede fabrics and include an integrated 30-pin dock connector for charging and mounting the iPad when not in use.

Apple, despite being described as trying to hastily respond, did not respond to requests for comment.

138 thoughts on “Serious iPad Flaw Discovered”

  1. I’m starting the a different class action versus Apple. Once you buy the iPad not only do you put your feet up on your coffee table, but you are forced to wear hideous shoes. I think the pictures above prove my case.

  2. I’ve never heard that term for jeans “false boner” before. Awesome. Did you make it up or have I been missing out?

    Sigh, basically my entire life until this point has been wasted. I’ll have to make the best of my post-“false boner” years.

  3. Just proves we iPad owners have a leg up on the rest of you. We scuff at your useless taunts. We table your arguments for later. We class action your… uh… hm.

    False boner?

  4. To get all lawyer-y on you (you can get it off with a good degreaser):

    This lawsuit has no merit, based on the pictures you present as evidence.

    Top left: Are those things shoes? They look like slippers. And you can see the toe spaces on the person on the left.

    Top right: Does that person have feet? I don’t see them. And it looks like those non-feet are on something close to a wall.

    Middle left: Not a coffee table. You can clearly see the floor beyond the person’s left foot.

    Middle right: Not clear if this person has feet, since we can’t see them.

    Bottom left: Ditto.

    Bottom right: It’s plain that this woman’s calves are on the coffee table and not her shoes.

  5. My coffee table is already ruined from years of reading books and magazine. It’s clear that I’m going to have to buy a new coffee table to ruin when I get an iPad, in order to join the class action lawsuit.

    Do cleats help? How about spurs?

  6. I have Nxxx’s coffee table.

    It’s glass. And very messy.

    Not sure why…

    And I believe ‘false boner’ owes a debt to Curb Your Enthusiasm, Barbasol of PantsDown?

  7. I have only ever watched the first episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm”, so I came up with it on my own unless there’s someplace else I stole it from or it was in the first episode.

    I knew living in a cave in the woods would pay off one day.

  8. In which case Larry David stole it off *you*, John.

    The creep!

    I’m going to burn all my Seinfelds in protest.

    Even though I still don’t know what a ‘boner’ is.

    [cue doingy-doingy bass stab and picture of random NY block of flats]

  9. Hang on . . . I’ve just realised we’ve finally lured The Moltz from his Lair.

    Quick, someone chuck a coat over him while I get a cage.

  10. Frist post:

    I’m commenting now more as a physician than a former politician. I’ve looked at the marketing photos, and the evidence is conclusive that iPad users are all in a persistent vegetative state.

    My guess would be California.

  11. @Magnanimous Wang

    If you look closely, Moltz is the lovechild of Marty Feldman and Gruber.

  12. I have no relevant comments at this time.
    My Pants™ thoroughly enjoyed the post, however. Not sure why…

  13. [Put down some funky street beat here]

    Five, four, three, two,

    One! Yo! To En-

    -joy yo’ iPad you’d be better able
    If you jus’ keep yo’ feet offa yo’ coffee table.

    Instead o’ filin’ lawsuits and bein’ sucha whinah,
    Ya shoulda manned up and bought yo’sef a new reclinah.

    For someone else to blame it seems you’ve been quite a scrounger
    When in fact all-ya-had-to-do was get a new BarcaLounger.

    An’ if you’d thought ahead the way you ought to, man,
    Then you’da bought a footstool or an ot-to-man.

    Instead o’ frontin’ like the blame is all on iPad
    You should be keepin’ it real, admittin’, “Sorry… my bad!”

    Now it’s mah crew at Apple that y’all have been dissin’
    So I’m tellin’ you now that I’m a man on a mission

    To set you straight an’ save mah boyz reputation
    An’, with this, diss-miss yo’ friv-o-liss litigation.

    So don’t be hatin’ an’ suein’ an’ tryin’ to annoy
    Instead be cool an’ righteous like Lay-Z, boi!

    Yo!

  14. Has anyone tried making a floor out of iPads?

    You could wiggle your toes and who knows what would happen?

    Probably Athlete’s Foot.

  15. Lay-Z, I liked the spiffy spew you supplied,
    but why couldn’t you have worked in “Naugahyde”?

  16. I tried making my Pants™ out of iPads.

    They failed to receive any input, however. No matter how much I wiggled.

  17. Ace, bro’… thank you fo’ them kind words an’ that good idea.

    How ’bout swappin’ Naugahyde for “footstool or an”?

    Deuce, B.

  18. since when does being first (or tenth!) to write a comment on a blog post count as an achievement?! You folks need to raise the bar a touch.

  19. Forty-fourth!

    High standards, no, but if you’re looking for Daring Fireball’s comments section, then this is probably the right place. After all, Moltz has been accused of being Gruber.

  20. Now that you mention it, it is weird people putting their feet on the coffee table. That’s where you practically eat, right? And you’re putting your big stinky feet and/or slippers and/or shoes on there, where germs can crawl around and then onto your food or into your coffee and then you drink it and they’ll multiply inside you and burst out through your stomach and assimilate into the iPad into a combined techno-organic mutant beast that will then eat your remains and move into the basement and cell-divide into two and multiply until it has a large enough army to do the same to do your whole street, the whole town, the whole city, state, country, planet!

    Arghhhhhh.

  21. Cody,
    Have you been over consuming fast food?

    Ouch! I do not believe an iPad could eat anyone.

    Damn! It happened again. Go away you ravenous fiend………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Comments are closed.