Serious iPad Flaw Discovered

Apple is hastily trying to respond to a serious iPad flaw that has only now come to light after customers have been using the device for several weeks. The company’s support forums are rife with complaints about the iPad’s deleterious effects, including one from Ryan McCloskey of Dayton, Ohio.

“I was sitting down on the couch to watch Netflix on the iPad,” McCloskey said. “And I noticed these scuff marks on the coffee table… right where I was going to put my feet.

According to McCloskey, the optimal ergonomics in his home for the iPad involve him sitting in a slouched position on his couch with his feet propped up on the coffee table and the iPad resting on his thighs, using the “false boner” created by his jeans as a stand. And since acquiring his iPad, McCloskey says, he’s been sitting like this so much he’s destroyed an heirloom coffee table that’s been in his family since 1985.

From Anchorage to Key West, from San Diego to Bar Harbor, this position has widely been confirmed as the most optimal by iPad owners who have used the device for more than a week.

The result is a rash of scuffed and scraped coffee tables across a nation where sitting down around the coffee table to enjoy beer, board games and electronic devices (but, ironically, not coffee) has long been considered not really a national pastime per se, but some kind of more ill-defined national activity of unspecified frequency and duration.

The devastating coffee table Armageddon inflicted by the iPad has, of course, prompted the predictable lawsuit.

“Apple’s astounding disregard for the damage the iPad has done to its customers’ furniture is reprehensible,” said attorney Rhys Shea. “Even the company’s own marketing materials negligently suggest customers prop their feet up on their coffee tables to the detriment of their finish and structural integrity.”

Won't somebody think of the furniture?
(Images copyright Apple, Inc.)

“The members of my firm’s class action suit against the company will not be satisfied until they have their entire living room sets replace,” Shea said.

“Because all the pieces match, you know. You can’t just replace the coffee table. You have to replace the cabinet and the side table… the whole living room set.”

Apart from the class action, a group of concerned parents has formed to protest the iPad. The group claims that the kind of relaxed sitting position the iPad elicits — one that parents have been telling their children not to do for decades, if not millennia — will incite disobedience, sloth and immoral behavior.

Spokesperson Maureen Crimp said “I’ve seen the data. The correlation between sitting in a slouched position with your feet on the furniture and the kind of depraved activities that are tearing our society apart — masturbation, driving over the speed limit, premarital sex and watching ‘Glee’ — is almost 1:1.”

Not one to miss an opportunity, Griffin Technology announced today the $49.95 Sole Soother for iPad, a revolutionary protective covering for tables and other surfaces. The Sole Soother will be available in July in leather, neoprene, and microsuede fabrics and include an integrated 30-pin dock connector for charging and mounting the iPad when not in use.

Apple, despite being described as trying to hastily respond, did not respond to requests for comment.

138 thoughts on “Serious iPad Flaw Discovered”

  1. In view of the reported signal problems, seemingly related to the internal aerials on the iPhone 4G, will Steve order us all to commit suicide?

    I reckon Gruber/Moltz should set the example.

  2. [Excerpts of transcripts of various fellow security cameras at several locations around Silicon Valley.]

    [Gourmet Haus Staudt, March 18: Bryan Hogan and Gray Powell are seen crossing in front of each other several times that evening. Neither appear to know each other.]

    [Gizmodo World Headquarters, April 7: Gizmodo staffers receive iPhone (from Bryan Hogan after paying $5,000) and immediately start dissecting and analyzing the device. Parts are carelessly scattered around the table. Photos are taken, notes are written down.]

    John Herrman: Looks like our job is done here!

    Jesus Diaz (sniggering): Heh, yeah!

    John Herrman: Well, Jesus, I took it apart, so you put it back together, okay? Great! See ya! Wouldn’t wanna be ya!

    [Herrman leaves quickly with a big smile on his face. Since both men have been working late, Jesus is left alone in the office. He looks at the iPhone with trepidation, and then, with an obvious air of uncertainty, begins attempting to reassemble it. During the reassembly, Diaz seems particularly concerned about where and how to place the antenna.]

    [Apple Headquarters, Receiving Department, April 21: The iPhone that was once in Gizmodo’s possession is handed to a clerk, who logs it in and forwards it to Engineering.]

    [Apple Headquarters, Engineering Department, April 22: The once-dissected iPhone is received in Engineering and returned to the collection of prototype iPhones that were in both field trials and design reviews. Later that same day several iPhones, including models that were modified as a result of design reviews, are packed and shipped to China.]

    [FoxConn Plant, Shenzen, China, April 24: Prototype iPhones, including the Gizmodo-dissected iPhone, are unpacked and sent to Manufacturing Engineering for adoption of design changes.]

    [And the rest is history.]

  3. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………………….Zzzzzzzzzzsszzz………………..

    Wale up Moltz/Gruber.

  4. Either Moltz/Gruber is one of the ten Russian Illegals being exchanged or he is visiting the UK using his Raoul passport.

    There is a rumour that Saint Steve and the Lord Woz are involved in some way.

  5. What do you reckon are the chances of a class action against Moltz for inflicting a cruel and inhuman punishment?

  6. No need for a FALSE boner at my house.

    Reminds me of the story about the Japanese tourist visiting an American doctor. The doctor wanting to learn about the man’s country asks: “Do you have elections in Japan?” The response, “Yes, we have elections evly morning and evly night.”

  7. Office Security Camera seems to have done that for this post. Looks like we’ll have to wait until Moltz posts again. Someone wake me then.

  8. Yes, Ma’am, Miss Wummun!

    And you can call me “Kid.”

    Go ahead. I don’t mind. In fact, I dare you.

    (Mwa ha ha ha!)

  9. I’m a kid! I’m a kid! You heard her, right? She called me “kid!”

    That means I can have Trix now! ‘Cause I’m a KID!!!

    Thank you, Sue! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

    Now just sign this affidavit, stating that you called me a kid, and I’ll be off your lawn forever.

  10. Anything for you, Nxxx. Any other requests? Since John is leaving us to amuse ourselves?

    Silly Rabbit: cereal at my place.

  11. You do realise we are amusing John but he dare not admit it, in
    case he has to pay us and not in that funny money.

  12. Or maybe even a PayPal donation?

    I’m just sayin’…

    And no, I’m NOT Moltz in a rabbit suit. [shudder]

    These ears are so sensitive I can hear you thinking.

  13. I’m just wondering if John has anything to say about the rumor I heard from a webcam friend of mine at an attorney’s office. It told me it heard that, as part of the divorce settlement, Al Gore’s seat on Apple’s board will go to Tipper.

  14. [Concentrating dramatically, eyes shut tighly]

    I see… I hear… a stove… yes, definitely a stove… annnnnd… a… frying pan? Yes… And there’s a long word there… four syllables… first one sounds like “horse”… horse and… puh… no… fuh… no… it’s like “pepper”…

    [Opening eyes, with a confused and curious expression]

    Horse and pepper? Hmm… what could that possibly mean?

    [Blithely shrugging]

    Oh, well… no big deal. You can explain it to me when I come over for that cereal you so kindly offered earlier.

    See you then!

  15. Ahhh….and I was trying to be nice. But since you brought it up, it’s a stew pot not a frying pan.

    I wasn’t being totally honest tho. No Trix, just Cheerios.

  16. OK, message received. Working on it. Might not be until next week, though. YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST COMMENTERS A FELLA COULD WISH FOR. SOB.

  17. Woo hoo! We done did it! What’s next guys? Should we solve world hunger? Or work on the deficit? Or buying me the next new magical iPod?

  18. That gives us enough time to prepare a CARS Bimonthly Post Barbecue and Tailgate Party. I will supply a pickup truck if someone else will provide the food and drink, which I believe is necessary for the success of such a shindig.

  19. That’s not the real Moltz. He only communicates through poxies.

    He’s very pox-communicable.

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