The world of mobile telecommunications was shocked this morning to discover that former AT&T Mobility CEO Stan Sigman is not the man people thought he was.
Just 12 hours after the event honoring his induction into the Wireless Hall of Fame and his rambling 5-hour acceptance speech, Stan Sigman was revealed to be not a man at all but a piece of performance art.
Speaking to gathered media, San Francisco performance artist Julian Leflaunt said that for the past 40 years, he has been playing the part of “Stan Sigman” as part of a piece entitled “Corporate ‘Leadership’ and The Folly of the American Enterprise”.
“I created everything about Stan,” said Leflaunt. “From his horrible public speaking ability to his post-retirement goatee.”
Working as a Bell stockman the 1960s, Leflaunt says, he became aware of the vapid nature of our vaunted executive class.
“I was determined to show the CEO for what he was: a long-winded oaf concerned with nothing more than achieving personal glory off the back of the worker. These emperors of our economy have no clothes, I thought, and I set out to devote my life to showing them to the rest of the world as I saw them.”
Cleverly manipulating the bureaucracy at Bell, Leflaunt recast himself as “Stan Sigman”, the name being a play on “standard signal man”, which the artist says represented the conformity enforced by corporate America on the proletariat.
So his life’s work began. But then, Leflaunt said, something strange happened.
“As much as I wanted to hate him, I grew to love Stan,” he said. “My feelings for him as a rising CEO did not change — I still believed him to be the most useless of cogs in the capitalist machine — but as a person I found him to be sympathetic and even tragic. His love of golf for its moments of platonic camaraderie and closeness with other men, a closeness he always craved from his father but never got. His passion for quarter horses, driven by his recurring childish fantasies of being a cowboy on the frontier of the late 1800s. The more I rounded out his character, the sadder he became to me.”
Leflaunt admits that the piece got out of hand.
“I really had no intentions of carrying it on for more than 40 years,” Leflaunt said. “But I couldn’t stop. I needed to see how it ended! And then the iPhone deal just fell into my lap.”
Leflaunt was concerned the deal was almost his undoing.
“I was frightened that I had overplayed my hand at Macworld Expo in 2007,” Leflaunt said. “I wanted to deliver a truly dreadful speech, I felt that was important to the piece, but when I shook Steve Jobs’ hand after I was done, I thought I saw him give me a look. I flew home in a cold sweat.”
For his part, Jobs says he was completely unaware that the man he had worked with on the most significant product release of the decade was an utter fabrication.
“I had no idea,” said a disbelieving Steve Jobs. “I mean, one time he was chuckling in the middle of a meeting for no discernible reason, but… wow. Incredible. My hat’s off to him.
“Anyway, this totally voids our exclusivity deal with AT&T so… Verizon iPhone in January.”
Asked what he will work on next, Leflaunt says he plans on taking his first vacation in 40 years, claiming the others were in character so they don’t count. Then he plans to devote time to cat memes on the Internet.
“That’s where all the cutting-edge work is being done nowadays,” he said.
Ok. I’ll do it.
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Oh, and iMoo? Surely you remember what’s in my wine boxes…
Very brave.
Just noticed that the original post from Moltz/Gruber/Balmer/Silly Rabbit Quartet, mentioned the Wireless Hall of Fame.
Does anyone know if Pinochio is an installed member?
“I’ve got no strings
So I have fun
I’m not tied up to anyone”
He’s obviously never met Max Mosely.
@ Huh?- wine bottles, of course. Tasty wine, too.
@ Nxxx-I have no reason whatsoever to discuss Pinocchio’s member. Perhaps someone else will oblige.
Um… as to Pinocchio, it’s more of a driver incompatibility issue, not so much of the installation itself.
Perhaps when the 64 bit drivers are released…
Do you think that the ‘Internal Server Error’ causing hiccoughs in the Mega-Post, might be caused by incompatibility in the merging of the Moltz/Gruber/Balmer/Silly Rabbit Quartet parts?
If there ever was a time when we needed The Entity to fix something, this is it.
AGGGGGHHHH it’s all my fault. I should never have combined them. My beloved Mega-Post is gone….. gone…..
*SNIFF*
Have the brains bring it back or I shall unleash the kittens (don’t ask how we got the leashes on the kittens it was a protracted and bloody war which we won only by using fleece containment devices) and they shall bring about a cataclysm the likes of which has never been seen.
Time to switch the sexbots to kill.
Just point the sexbots at the proper targets first.
I’ll take the hit if you want to test ’em first.
*shudder*
Not the kittens!!!
My Pants really don’t like kittens.
As there was a review of the Goodies Shows on the UK box recently with its reminder of Kitten Kong, whatever you do Del, no kittens please.
And Knutters Knoll Knite Spot in the Close Encounters pisstake.
Goody-goody yum-yum.
Would squittens be an appropriate replacement?
I have some spare lemmings if you’d like to use them…
Can the kittens, squittens, whatever be directed to only attack The Brains? If so, then we’ve really nothing to worry about. But if they’ve achieved free will, please wait until I’ve safely retreated to an Undisclosed Location. As opposed to where I am now, which is merely an Undesirable Location.
Threatening the Brains Under Glass may not be the best tactic. Is there something they need that money can’t buy, that we can use to persuade them? Love, intellectual puzzles, home made pudding?
Pudding over IP?
Piggy-back rides?
Piggy back rides are hard to turn down. Maybe we could offer to put the brains into sexbot bodies? Then they can scratch any itches they may have.
Now, this piggy back ride ‘thing’… Are the brains giving or getting the rides?
Because this bit of information will definitely sway my opinion.
My Pantsâ„¢ don’t care either way.
Huh?,
It must be the brains that are getting piggy backed as would you want to sit on a glass case with sharp edges? If you sat on a brain, it would be terminally squished and make “My Pants â„¢”soggy.
But do you really want to walk around with a pulsating Brain on your back?
I’m starting to think this might be a lose-lose situation…
Another thought occurred to me as I lay weeping over the possible loss of CARS in my bed last night.
Is it possible that the Woz has kidnapped The Moltzster to prevent the CARS worship of Saint Steve?
Yes, it’s possible in exactly the same way that it is possible that I have a date tonight with Greta Garbo at the age of 32.
You’re 32? I never would have guessed…
I think it’s the eye patch. All the kids have them.
Oh… Ok.
Moltz isn’t dead (as far as I can tell; which isn’t all that far). He still tweets and supposedly wrote the last page of the December issue of Macworld.
Me being 32 again is even more impossible than having a date with a 32-year-old Garbo.
Perhaps the Moltzster also “Wants to be alone.”
So if we capture one of his non-deplumes we should be able to get him back on the job. Which one should be go for?
Is it possible to split Moltz off without permanently damaging him?
What level of damage is acceptable?
This won’t be a damage-free process.
I think 50% sounds acceptable?
I say not more than 47% damage, because I’m all about peace and love.
I’d say 95%, which should miss most of the vital bits.
Maybe 98%, come to think of it.
Does the sale of an original ‘Build it yourself” Apple for ten grand on this side of the Pond have any lessons or sign of hope for us?
Happy Thanksgiving to the Cousins and Happy Christmas at the same time. (Reducing my carbon footprint.)
Nxxx, you really need to wash up after your chimney sweep gigs are over. Best way to reduce the carbon footprints, say I.
On a semi-related subject, whenever I think the weather has gone too cold, I listen to Robin Williamson singing “The Smoke-Shoveling Song.”
Sorry, no more posts from me for a while: Ashes have started.
Oh, and Stauss is out for a duck 3rd ball.
Smashing.
Do you think if Nxxx, I, and assorted other Limeys (and honorary Limeys) turn this into a cricket blog the Moltz-hybrid-thingy will have to post again to end the madness?
BroMu,
Please do not post the sorry state of UK cricket and particularly the England Test Team, unless you want mass suicide.
Happy Turkey Day! Never did grok cricket.
Happy Thanksgiving to our OverPond Cousins.
I’m joining in over here. Just for the turkey, mind.
Mmmmm: cranberry.
A joyous holiday shopping season, regardless of which side of the pond you’re on!
(Buying almost everything online. Free shipping rocks.)
This shopping thing sounds interesting, but I believe it requires copious amounts of moolah. Where can the moolah be found? Ideas?
In some locales, it has been rumored to grow on trees. Likely not in the vicinity of any parents.
Please help.
I am not sure whether to pronounce “locales” as a French word or a Mexican.
Server still severed over at Ãœber-Post Central.
Is there an issue with the Brains?
I think we should be told.
Maybe Zombies got the brains!!!
Finally!
The Zombies have always been after Brains.
Now that they have what they want, will Zombies go away?
Zombies never go away. Why, just look outside right now and tell me what you see.
Um, no, look the other way.
No, the other, other way.
Forget it.
Pretend there are thousands of Zombies outside, and react appropriately.