21 Apr 11Apple Provides Fabulous New Feature Free of Charge

iPhone owners were delighted today to learn that Apple has, unbeknownst to them, been providing a spectacular feature free of charge for the last year or so.

“I can’t believe my iPhone’s been tracking everywhere I’ve been!” said iPhone owner Rick Tansley. “This is terrific!”

According to results revealed by two researchers, the iPhone and the 3G iPad keep track of the user’s location at all times using cell towers.

“Oh, my god!” said 3G iPad owner Elliot Cornin. “It tracks everywhere I go and I don’t even have to pay for it! It’s incredible! I mean… I just found my keys!”

After the news broke this morning, experts quickly detailed the many benefits of Apple’s amazing pre-Easter egg.

“Everyone will love this feature,” said Macworld’s Dan Moren. “Never again will you wake up from a drug and alcohol-fueled haze and wonder where you illegally drove last night. Was it you who ran that bus full of nuns and orphaned Internet kittens off the road? Now you’ll know!

“And think of the many benefits for mobsters. If you’re going to whack someone, just give your iPhone to a lackey for the night and have him go to a baseball game. The applications for this are almost limitless. Kudos to you, Apple!”

Moren’s enthusiasm was shared universally in the Apple community.

“This is vintage Apple,” said Instapaper developer Marco Arment. “All the while it’s been providing us this amazing feature and we didn’t. Even. Know it.

“Standing ovation.”

This revelation may also lend credence to rumors that Apple has sneaking into your house, standing over your bed and watching you sleep.

But not in a creepy way.

120 Responses to “Apple Provides Fabulous New Feature Free of Charge”

  1. Nxxx says:

    ‘onest?
    Gravesend?
    No comment.

  2. Steve G. says:

    Be careful: Dick Van Dyke is warming up on the sidelines.

    • Gupta Feldstein from Outsourceistan says:

      Dick Van Dyke?

      Is that the name of a delivery vehicle for Gigolos that are driven by lesbian ninja sexbots?

  3. Benny says:

    @SteveG,
    Going waaaay back to your question regarding tips, the answer is, “about 15 to 20 degrees.”

    Incidentally, when it comes to undocumented iPhone features, I kinda prefer the one they used to have where your iPod would explode in your pocket. I seem to recall that most people used that feature at airports.

    Good times… good times…

  4. Brother Mugga says:

    Lummy, guv’ner, I woz just expressing myself in the verknackulars.

    I’m very expressionate me.

    A phrase, incidentally, that I actually heard Post Spice use of her Golden Noodled ‘fella’.

    And yet our American cousins *still* granted them a visa…

  5. Steve G. says:

    You can have them back any time you like.

  6. Brother Mugga says:

    Oooh, no.

    Finders keepers.

  7. Rip Ragged says:

    You don’t think they’ll tell my wife, do you?

  8. Benny says:

    @Rip,

    That’s what the “In-App Purchase” option in Google Maps is for.

  9. Steve G. says:

    “Information?”
    There’s no bloody information here, mate.
    Move along.

  10. Nxxx says:

    If i may translate Steve’s statement for us Brits,
    “Elo, elo, elo, what’s goin on ere then? Nothing? Right move along there or you’re nicked.”

  11. Nxxx says:

    Not only are iPhone owners globally traceable but they are now suggesting that iCloud will be introduced next week.

    Dunno about you but it rains enough here already.

  12. Steve G. says:

    Oh, great. Now the effing clouds will know where I am!

  13. Office Security Camera says:

    [Zooming out, in astonishment]

    iCloud?

    [Zooming back in again, this time in disbelief]

    Seriously?

    I mean, the cake is less of a lie than “The Cloud” is. Microsoft is only embracing “The Cloud” because it’s a means of skirting the anti-trust restrictions imposed by the EU (AKA, “The Clowns”) back when MS tried to integrate IE into their OS.

    WTF,O?

    [Slewing to the side, then holding in place and focusing off in the distance, pensively]

    Well, I suppose that if there’s anyone who could add some actual substance to the most insubstantial, most ironically named marketing ploy to come along in decades, it would have to be Apple.

    [Slewing back and focusing you in the eye, incredulously]

    But still… iCloud?!

    [Defocusing, then slewing left and right a few times, in disappointment]

  14. Huh? says:

    Wow… Sounds like *someone* needs a firmware update…
    Here. Have some Kool-Aid™. You’ll feel much better.

  15. Nxxx says:

    Huh?,
    Do you mean firmware in the electronic or Max Mosley sense?

  16. Carbonfish says:

    68th!

  17. Office Security Camera says:

    Firmware update?

    [Tilting upward, huffily.]

    What’s the matter, Huh? Can’t a camera offer a little criticism anymore? I’ll have you know tha…

    [OSC freezes in position as a small red light marked "LOD" in the upper left corner near OSC's lens illuminates and flickers, and another red light labelled "ACK", located next to the "LOD" light, blinks periodically. This continues for about a minute. The LOD light goes out, and the ACK light blinks a couple more times. OSC remains motionless for another ten seconds. Then OSC abruptly slews into the "parked" position, and then swings left and right and tilts up and down to its directional limits. Next, OSC's lens cycles through its focus limits. Finally, OSC steers back to face Huh?, and adjusts focus appropriately.]

    Uhh… Hi there, Huh? What are you doing here? Well, no matter… How’ve you been, eh? You’re looking like you’re in good health.

    [OSC steers to look out the window, then remarks, blissfully, ]

    … and isn’t it a lovely day to be healthy!

    [OSC steers back to look at Huh? again.]

    So… what’s on your mind?

  18. Huh? says:

    That was quite possibly one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time.

    I’m having a wonderful day, OSC. Please, don’t let me keep you from anything.

  19. iMoo says:

    I’d like to start a rumor that Huh? and OSC are one and the same.

  20. Nxxx says:

    Or an item?

  21. Office Security Camera says:

    Pleased to hear it, Huh?! I’ll just carry on, then! “Be seeing you!”

    [Wistfully steering this way and that, humming to itself]

    Everything is tickety-boo, tickety-boo, tickety-boo…

  22. Anonymous says:

    Did OSC just walk off *into a phone box* and then come out *as* Huh??

  23. Huh? says:

    As much as I’d like to take credit for some of OSC’s posts, I’m afraid the rumors are false…

    *muffled whirr*

    Yep. Completely false.

  24. Gupta Feldstein from Outsourceistan says:

    iCloud? Apple is now taking over the afterlife? I don’t remember seeing a harp in GarageBand for iPad. That better be in the iOS 5 update!

  25. Steve G. says:

    Sure, why not?

    Just need to add a few more items: iDeath, iFuneral, iCoffin or iCremation, iHeaven, iHell (just in case).

    Any more?

  26. Silly Rabbit says:

    iTrix?

  27. Steve G. says:

    To go along with the iKids.

    Give them some iKoolAid and then take them to the iDoctor (not to be confused with the EyeDoctor).

  28. Huh? says:

    iJust don’t know anymore…

  29. Brother Mugga says:

    Hey, I got iAnonymised a few posts back.

    How very dare they.

    The Brains, I mean.

  30. Steve G. says:

    iGot nothing else. Sorry.

  31. Pedro says:

    iCaramba!

  32. Brother Mugga says:

    Is it just me, or is John iGnoring us?

  33. Ace Deuce says:

    iT’sjustyou.

  34. iMoo says:

    *iRoll*

  35. Huh? says:

    iCan’t get noooo…
    …satisfaction!!!!

  36. Brother Mugga says:

    i thought as much.

  37. Steve G. says:

    iHate to think iStarted this trend over the last few posts. iT just sort got away from me.

  38. Nxxx says:

    Bloody iTune update for iClaud this morning.

    Does this mean that that we amateur astronomers will never see another star?

  39. Ace Deuce says:

    Nxxx, if you really want a good look at the stars, we can always launch you and Dartmoor Prison into orbit again.

  40. Brother Mugga says:

    I will never again see a cloud, because my head is forever buried in the sand(box games).

  41. Nxxx says:

    Bro Mu,
    It is so sad that you will never see a star again. That extremely talented ukelele playing person who dueted with himself on “Tiptoe Through The Tulips”, for instance.

    On second thoughts, any room left in the sandbox.

  42. Brother Mugga says:

    Come on in, Nxxx. The silica is lovely.

  43. Nxxx says:

    Bugger!.

    Ace has eaten it.

  44. iMoo says:

    *patiently awaiting a new post about the Steve Jobs comic book*

  45. Steve G. says:

    Moltz is waiting for his son to read it to him. Then he’ll post.

  46. Brother Mugga says:

    After he’s had a drink to refresh after mouthing along. Inaccurately.

  47. Sue says:

    Oooooh, one hundred posts!

  48. Nxxx says:

    Oh no. You wont get me this time.

    I avoided the jump on the Meg-Post.

  49. Steve G. says:

    Hmm… that’s odd.

    I figured it would have jumped just before Nxxx.

    Strange things are afoot at CARS, methinks.

  50. Nxxx says:

    Thinks?

    Wash your mouth out with soap and water, this is CARS.

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