15 Sep 12Johnny Appleseed Leaves Apple

In a shocking announcement, long-time Apple employee Johnny Appleseed has left the company to join a startup in the social networking industry.

Apple PR officials curtly confirmed the move made by the iconic employee who has been used as the representative product user in Apple demos for years.

“Mr. Appleseed no longer works at Apple,” the company said in a brief statement.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site was able to confirm that Appleseed has taken a position as a “Marketing and Brand Ninja” at Pltz.com (pronounced “Plotz dot com”).

Interviewed at his new place of employment, Appleseed said he felt the time was right for a change.

“I don’t know if you’re heard, but Tim Cook’s no Steve Jobs,” Appleseed said. “I mean, not that I interacted with Steve. Or Tim. Anyway, I’m pretty sure Apple’s done innovating. ‘iPhone 5′? Puh-leez. Also, I just felt like trying something different. Something, uh, without health care, apparently. I didn’t actually know that before I accepted the position.”

Asked if there was any bad blood between him and Apple, Appleseed was frank.

“I felt like I was just a joke to them! ‘Oh! Your name is Appleseed! We should use you in all of our demos, hahahaha!’ Jesus. Screw you guys.”

Appleseed expressed enthusiasm for the change and thought Pltz.com was going to be the big success story in the social networking space over the next five years.

“We’re kind of the Sharepoint of Facebook, so…”

From across the room a coworker corrected Appleseed. “Dude, no. The venture capitalists nixed that. We’re the Pinterest of… uh… HEY, JERRRY! WHAT ARE WE THE PINTEREST OF?”

“LINKEDIN!”

“Right. We’re the Pinterest of LinkedIn.”

Appleseed stared at him blankly for a minute and then said “I get to wear a lot of hats here. It’s exciting. You can just… say I said that.”

Apple declined to comment on who might replace Appleseed in demos in the future, but a new jobs opening for someone with “an Apple-themed name” on the company’s web site indicated the company is recruiting for the position.

33 Responses to “Johnny Appleseed Leaves Apple”

  1. Benny says:

    F-f-f-
    F-f-f-f-
    F-f-fir-

    I’m too excited!

  2. Fiona says:

    Do you have a link for that jobs opening, please?

  3. ChiefZonker says:

    Third!

    And I would change my name to Fred Applesauce if the money is right.

  4. U D Mann says:

    In some circles I’m known as Golden Delicious. Think that would get me the job?

  5. Ken Anderson says:

    First! What? Oh, damn…

  6. Aaron says:

    Pitz.
    Plotz.
    Moltz.

  7. Steve G. says:

    Eighth!

    I think Stock Photo Guy’s LinkedIn status was just updated…

  8. Pippin Gravenstein says:

    Umpteenth!

    Even before Tim Cook wasn’t Steve Jobs, Steve Jobs was ill and “wasn’t himself.”

    And neither of them was Jack Kennedy, though I didn’t know Jack Kennedy. Or Lloyd Bentsen. Or squat, for that matter.

  9. Ace Deuce says:

    Hey Pippin, hands off my avatar!

  10. Buthidae says:

    I think the time is right for this. He’s been patently abused and derided for too many years and, by all accounts, under appreciated and undervalued.

    Mr. Appleseed would do well to pursue stress-related damages. Keynote went badly? Appleseed got the rap, there’s no question in my mind. One man shouldn’t have to bear a burden like that.

  11. iMoo says:

    Um… seriously? A Pinterest reference?

  12. Huh? says:

    Last post!

  13. Nxxx says:

    The Blessed Moltz writes or as Hot Chocolate sang,”I Believe in Miracles”, not that any of us would refer to Young Johhny as “you sexy thing.”

  14. Nxxx says:

    The Blessed Moltz writes or as Hot Chocolate sang,”I Believe in Miracles”, not that any of us would refer to Young Johhny as “you sexy thing.”

  15. Michael says:

    I miss Johnny already!

  16. John Turnipseed says:

    Hmmm…. I’d apply for that job, but how flexible are they? I’m not willing to change my name. I had an uncle that called me Johnny once… Once!

  17. Sue says:

    Just when I stopped checking the blog…..

  18. blank says:

    Pinterest? Is that a type of yacht? Maybe VNWS has more on this curious item.

  19. Silly Rabbit says:

    Stop checking again, Sue, and let’s see if we get another one!

  20. blank says:

    Dear John,

    I’m not not not not not saying you should have mentioned the yacht on that other site of yours.

    “Just sayin’.”

  21. Steve G. says:

    He _was_ being usually cagey about that, wasn’t he?

    What’s that black helicopter doing outside my house? And how come I can see it when it’s dark?

    Too many questions…

  22. blank says:

    Dear John,

    I find I’ve ceased to care what Woz has to say as well. Not sure when it happened, but it’s like a little bit of me silently died and I didn’t notice.

    Pathetic? Probably. Posting here because I can’t there? More so.

    Cheers!

  23. Ace Deuce says:

    The problem is that if Mr. Moltz allowed comments there, soon he would have to change its name from “…Very Nice Web Site…” to “Look At This Mess We’ve Gotten Into,” or suchlike.

    If he were the kindhearted sort, he would post something here called “Post Comments Here in Perpetuity About Articles at That Other Place” and provide a link from there to here.

    But nooooo…

  24. Yoyo (the highly esteemed) says:

    I like white people but this is ridiculuous.

  25. PonyRD says:

    Happy 2013, Mr Appleseed! (bitch)

  26. blank says:

    May you each receive the yacht of your dreams this year! Or something of your dreams anyway.

  27. Office Security Camera says:

    Really?! Well… Happy Birthday, then!

  28. Ace Deuce says:

    Old friends are passing through again, like comets that return periodically to the inner system, but not quite like clockwork.

  29. gargantuan says:

    Rumours have it that Scott Pippin and Brian Cox have both been approached about the role.

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