CARS Staff

Apple Community Ponders Identity Of Fake Blogger.

The Apple community is in full speculation mode tonight as it wonders aloud…

In a hilarious send-up of everyone’s favorite Apple senior vice president, an anonymous blogger has created an Internet phenomenon that seems sure to set the Apple world on its head.

“I’m not sure who he is, said Tim O’Reilly, “but I’ve got my people trying to negotiate a book deal with him.

“Well, OK, it’s not so much a ‘book deal’ per se as it is a deal for a series of pamphlets. I mean, it’s not like he’s pretending he’s Steve Jobs or something.”

While O’Reilly attempted to work out a pamphlet deal, other Apple followers attempted to piece together clues as to Fake Phil’s identity.

“He’s clearly Canadian,” said Jason Snell, editor of Macworld magazine. “You can tell from the hockey references.

“No one in the states watches hockey. Seriously. I didn’t even know the deciding game of the… whaddaya call it… Cup playoffs… were on tonight.”

Some feel they already know who Fake Phil is.

“Oh, I know who it is,” said the New York Times’ David Pogue, looking around furtively. “I can’t say his name… but his initials are… W.G.

“Aaand they sometimes call him ‘the Great One.'”

Pogue raised his eyebrows several times, then furrowed his brow.

“Oh, hell, it’s Gretzky. Wayne Gretzky. Well, at least I think it is.

“OK, I don’t really know.”

Regardless of his identity, Apple followers agree that from the hockey references to the Star Trek references to the insider’s view on Apple, whoever writes Fake Phil has Schiller down pat.

Fake Steve declined to comment for this story.

Apple Adds Killer Feature To iPhone.

In late-breaking news just weeks before its launch, Crazy Apple Rumors site has learned that Apple has added a killer feature to the iPhone that is sure to secure its success.

Sources in Apple’s iPhone development group have revealed that in addition to acting as a phone, an email client, a web browser, a mapping platform and a portable entertainment system, the iPhone will also dispense beer.

The company has added a small tap to the side of the iPhone that will, when pressed, release the frosty, refreshing beverage that has been enjoyed since the time of the Pharaohs.

“This could be the holy grail of mobile connectivity,” said Shawn King, host of Your Mac Life.

“To be able to access my beer on-the-go… I can’t even think of a reason why I’d go home again.

“Oh. Well, to see my wife, of course. Right. Uhh… love you, honey!”

The details of this startling new feature were not available at press time. It’s not known, for example, exactly how much beer an iPhone can hold and whether or not Apple will rely on third-party peripheral developers to build add-on kegs.

But most were not concerned by the lack of details.

“It’s a phone that dispenses beer!” exclaimed Apple follower Derik DeLong.

“Oh! My! God! I mean, at this point, I don’t even give a shit if it actually makes phone calls anymore!”

Some of the slower pundits were concerned about Apple “tapping” the iPhone.

“I’m concerned about Apple tapping the iPhone,” said Rob Enderle of the Enderle Group.

“I’m also concerned that I might have swallowed my gum.”

Apple declined to comment officially for this story, but it did have beer on its breath.

iPhone Ads Reveal Restrictions.

The first advertisements from Apple, Inc., for their new iPhone reveal a previously undisclosed niche marketing factor: the iPhone will only display information related to the sea and children.

In a series of dramatic advertisements aired Sunday night during 60 Minutes, Apple demonstrated the iPhone’s ability to switch from playing Pirates of the Caribbean 2 to finding a seafood restaurant. A little noticed footnote displayed during that sequence warned, “The iPhone cannot play movies that do not include nautical themes or water, and restaurants must predominately feature seafood or pirates to be included in our guide.”

Apple spokesperson Cynthia McLaren clarified late Sunday night that Apple was required to limit the iPhone’s range of services to prevent cannibalism of iPod sales, and because of a little known maritime exemption for regulations governing handheld electronics.

“Our lawyers – admittedly a little skittish after the ones who approved Steve Jobs’ stock options a few years ago were all fired – have naturally interpreted this rule in the strictest manner possible to apply only to devices either intended for use at sea or that include only images of the sea.”

Another ad showed photos of children attached to an email message, but failed to mention that only photos of children may be stored, viewed, or attached to messages on the iPhone.

“Steve thinks you should all focus on your kids a little more,” McLaren said. “He feels pretty strongly about that. I believe his exact words were ‘Our customers are a bunch of deadbeat absentee parents.'”

Accordingly, the iPhone will only be sold to customers who have children.

Or who are pirates.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I saw that Apple revamped its Hot Deals page and I was noticing that there are some really hot deals on that page.
A: Uh… yeah.
Q: I’m thinking I’m going to get a 17-inch iMac and one of the MacBooks. I also might get a 20-inch iMac. And MacBook Pro. And maybe a PowerBook.
A: That sounds like kind of a lot.
Q: I don’t think 47 is a lot.
A: 47? You have a problem.
Q: No I don’t. I can quit buying Macs any time I want.
A: You’re a Macaholic.
Q: No I’m not!
A: Yes you are.
Q: No!
A: You’re only fooling yourself.
Q: I… I…
A: Come on. Let it out.
Q: My mother didn’t breast feed me! I buy Macs to fill the void! Waaaah!
A: Tsk. Weird. It always gets back to breast feeding. All the big Mac buyers have breast feeding issues.

Q: I just heard that previous call and I’m calling to complain.
A: Oh. Too creepy?
Q: No! That was Todd! I’m Todd’s mother! And I just want everyone to know that I did breast feed him!
A: Uh…
Q: I breast fed the hell out of him! And this is the thanks I get?!
A: Well, uh, he…
Q: For years I’ve given and given and given for nothing! I gave up all my hopes and dreams!
A: Oh. That’s too…
Q: So, excuse me if I sneak out of the house and buy myself a couple of Macs every week to make me feel like a whole woman again!
A: Ah… huh.
Q: What’s that supposed to mean?! You think my son is a Macaholic because I am?!
A: I’m… going to hang up now.
Q: Oooh, sure… [click]

Q: Hi.
A: Oh. Hi.
Q: I’m the previous caller’s husband. And the father of the first caller.
A: Oh.
Q: Yeah.
A: OK.
Q: So… it’s probably not surprising that I have a couple-of-Macs-a-day habit.
A: Not so much.
Q: Mmm. Yeah.
A: Phew.
Q: I’m also an alcoholic.
A: Oh. Of course you are.

Jobs And Gates Appear Together.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs and Microsoft Chief Technologist Bill Gates were interviewed together by the Wall Street Journal’s Walt Mossberg and Kara Swisher. The interview was a charming look back as both men waxed nostalgic about their long time rivalry.

Some news reports have given you truncated quotes, but Crazy Apple Rumors Site has the full transcript. Read on.

—————-

SWISHER: Gentlemen, thank you for being here together. What do you think each has contributed to the computer industry? Steve?

JOBS: Well, I think I’ve clearly contributed more to the computer industry. I mean, they completely copied all of our…

SWISHER: No. No. Steve. I want you to tell us what you think Bill has contributed.

JOBS: Oh. Uh… well… Flood pants?

SWISHER: Uh… I think those had been around for a while.

JOBS: Oh! He made it OK for hot women to marry painfully incurable geeks who have the posture of Steven Hawking.

[General laughter as Gates blushes.]

GATES: Ha-ha! That is true.

SWISHER: Bill?

GATES: Oh, well, he… uh… he made me look like less of a jerk.

SWISHER: Hmm. Well, not exactly what I was looking for there…

MOSSBERG: Let’s talk about the Microsoft software that shipped on the Apple II. How did that come about?

GATES: The original Apple II Basic… the integer Basic… we had nothing to do with… I think that was made by elves…

JOBS: Ninjas.

GATES: Oh. OK. But then there was a floating point one and I mostly worked with Woz on that. And then there was one where you could cast integers as floating point and another one where…

JOBS: Here, let me tell this story.

GATES: Oh. OK.

JOBS: Because you have all the narrative charm of Stan Sigman.

GATES: Um… I do play squash with Stan.

JOBS: So, I’m talking to Woz and begging him for this floating point Basic and he’s sobbing and telling me it’s impossible! And I’m telling him, you can do it! I believe in you! You need to believe in yourself!

GATES: Get to the part about the size of the variables.

JOBS: And Woz looks at me with those big eyes of his and says “OK, Steve. If you believe in me!”

GATES: The size of the variables was really small!

JOBS: Woz later said it was a defining moment in his life.

MOSSBERG: Incredible.

GATES: And there was this wicked round function!

MOSSBERG: Let’s talk about Microsoft’s investment in Apple ten years ago.

GATES: I was working with Gil Amelio on setting up this investment and we had been going back and forth and then I get a call from Steve…

JOBS: Ha-ha!

GATES: And Steve says, I’ll never forget this, “I’ve got you surrounded by my army of zombies and I won’t be satisfied until you invest $150 million in Apple and agree to continue making Office!”

JOBS: Oh, that’s embarrassing now! I was strung out on mescaline and covered in chicken blood!

GATES: And it was true! I looked out the window and I was surrounded by his army of zombies. So I… heh-heh… I wrote him a check. I mean, it was only $150 million. I wrote it out of my personal checking account.

JOBS: Yeah. I should have asked for more. But I like how you managed to spin that as a victory for you.

GATES: Thank you.

SWISHER: What’s the greatest misunderstanding about your relationship?

JOBS: You know, despite all the differences of opinion and the rivalry and the tough business deals… I go back to that quote from the Beatles: You and I have memories longer than the road that stretches out ahead.

SWISHER: Awww….

MOSSBERG: That’s just great. Fabulous.

GATES: I’m reminded of a function I wrote once that parsed strings…

MOSSBERG: I think we’re just going to end it right there.

GATES: Oh. OK.