CARS Staff

Jobs Interview Transcript.

Steve Jobs appeared at All Things Digital today in a highly publicized interview by Wall Street Journal technology columnist Walt Mossberg.

What many Apple observers don’t realize, however, is that Crazy Apple Rumors Site Editor-In-Chief John Moltz joined Mossberg in interviewing the mercurial Apple CEO. Here is the unedited interview.

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MOSSBERG: Steve, welcome and, once again, it’s a pleasure to speak with you.

JOBS: Thank you, Walt. And… who is…?

MOSSBERG: Uh, I’m not really sure how he got up here…

MOLTZ: You know who I am, dammit!

JOBS: Uh, I don’t think… wait a minute. Did you call me at home yesterday?

MOLTZ: I’m not at liberty to discuss that. Besides, Walt and I are asking the questions here, pretty boy. Right, Walt?

MOSSBERG: Actually, it’s just me.

MOLTZ: Whatever. Now, Steve, is it true you engineered your return to Apple by creating a zombie army using dark voodoo and that Gil Amelio was one of your undead puppets?

JOBS: No.

MOLTZ: Oh. Huh. Really? I was sure I heard that someplace.

MOSSBERG: Well. Steve, let’s talk about the iPhone.

MOLTZ: Maybe from George Ou….

MOSSBERG: Now, I’ve played with one and, if it works as I experienced it, it seems set to revolutionize how people use their phones. What’s your vision for the mobile phone experience?

MOLTZ: Wait, wait, wait. Then why was Amelio so wooden? And Stan Sigman? You can’t deny there’s a pattern of zombie-like behavior in those you’re using to further your evil, albeit user-friendly, highly well-designed and shiny, schemes.

JOBS: No zombies. Walt, the iPhone is going to set a new standard for how people interact with their data on the go. The trick is to not dilute the experience as so many of these companies have. You can’t just shrink down a computer, you have to rethink the model.

MOSSBERG: Absolutely.

MOLTZ: Steve, let’s talk about hot chicks you’d like to put the meat to.

JOBS: Uhh…

MOLTZ: I’m just gonna throw out some names. Jennifer Fricking Connelly?

JOBS: Uh, well, she’s, um, very attractive, but…

MOLTZ: So, “yes”. OK, that was an easy one. Let’s see… Yvonne Craig.

JOBS: Who?

MOLTZ: Yvonne Craig. She was Batgirl in the ’60s Batman TV show.

JOBS: Uh, well, no. I mean, she’s got to be in her late sixties by now, right?

MOLTZ: 70 and still smokin’. Plus, because she was so hot in that Batgirl outfit and she was the green chick Kirk got it on with, she gets lifetime status. OK, you got that one wrong, but that’s OK. That was a hard one. Uh… Beyoncé?

MOSSBERG: I’d hit that.

MOLTZ: This is not about you, Walt! Sheesh.

MOSSBERG: I know. I’m just saying… I’d totally hit that.

MOLTZ: Quiet, you! Steve?

JOBS: Yes. Yes. Definitely yes.

MOLTZ: OK. Great. Well, I should throw that one out because Walt had to ruin it by blurting the answer out…

JOBS: Can we move on?

MOSSBERG: Steve, some have criticized Apple for removing the word “Computer” from the name of the company. What’s your level of commitment to the Mac?

JOBS: It couldn’t be higher. In fact, WWDC is going to feature some fantastic new announcements for the Mac platform. I’d encourage anyone concerned about our level of commitment to the Mac to stay tuned.

MOLTZ: Steve, talk about your relative preference for MILFs.

JOBS: Uh…

MOSSBERG: Well, I think that’s all we have time for.

MOLTZ: What?! There’s, like, another 45 minutes.

MOSSBERG: I want to thank Apple CEO Steve Jobs and I’d like to ask security to come up here immediately.

MOLTZ: Is there some sort of gift bag?

Mac Community Up In Arms Over Microsoft Move.

An outcry erupted from the Mac community today as Microsoft announced that it was discontinuing MSN for the Mac.

Disappointed Mac users across the globe vented their frustrations in blog posts, forum messages and emails.

“Huh?” said Macworld editor Jason Snell. “I thought they killed that back when they killed IE. Yeah, I’m sure of it.

“No? Huh. Well… uh…

“OK. I mean, what do you want me to say?”

Snell’s fury was equally matched by that of TidBITS’ Adam Engst.

“They canceled what now?” Engst, the author of one of the earliest books on how to get on the Internet, asked. “When did they make a Mac version of that?

“And why?

“And why are you calling me? And how did you get this number?

“And, hey, wait… they killed this back in 2005. What the…?”

The same level of furious rage could also be felt emanating from Apple, although it met the announcement with stony silence.

Except for CEO Steve Jobs who, when reached for comment, launched into a furious expletive-ridden screed.

Although that may have been over how we got his home number.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

And today, for some reason… his royal badness!

No, I don’t mean Prince.

Q: I have a whole mess of VBA code that Microsoft tells me I’m going to have to port to AppleScript. I’m on kind of a tight deadline. Kind of need it by Tuesday afternoon.
A: Uh, OK. Well, how much code are we talking about?
Q: Hmm, let’s see… take the Excel documents and add them to the Word documents… carry the one… uh, about 3800 files.
A: …
Q: …
A: …
Q: Well, shoot. I mean, is there something else I can do?
A: Have you considered suicide?
Q: Mmm, not gonna help. I work for Satan.
A: That would certainly explain all the VBA code.
Q: Yep. And if I kill myself I just end up right back at the same desk.
A: Man, that is one messed up HR policy.
Q: Tell you what…

Q: Oh, crappity crap crap crap.
A: Oh, I think I know what this is.
Q: Oh, shit. Oh… god. I really… oh, man, I really hosed it up this time.
A: Yep. Yep. I know. You force quit during a system update.
Q: I wish! No, this is much worse.
A: OK. OK. You deleted your home directory.
Q: No! C’mon! I mean a simple backup restore would fix that! Think big!
A: Alright. I’m just getting warmed up. Uh… does it involve flames?
Q: Not exactly, but you’re getting closer.
A: Oh! Oh! Oh! Your Mac’s been possessed by the Unholy Prince of Darkness!
Q: Uh, you overshot it a bit.
A: Oh.
Q: That would totally involve flames. But how would that even happen?
A: Oh, it happens. You have to have a familiar and, uh, then there’s a key combination where you press 6 three times and… it’s kind of complicated.

Q: I’ve been a PC user all my life but recently I’ve been reconsidering and I’d like to get a Mac. But… there’s a problem…
A: You sold your soul to Satan and you think you can’t have a Mac because it’ll reject you because you have no soul.
Q: Uh… yeah. Wow. That’s right. How’d you know that?
A: I’ve been doing this for a while. Unfortunately for you, though, you’re right. A Mac’s going to run away from you like a monkey from a jungle fire.
Q: Oh. Well, what if I collected some other people’s souls and rolled in them? Kind of masked my scent.
A: Um, no. This is a Mac we’re talking about here. It’s not a 500 Mhz Compaq running Windows 98.
Q: Well, what if it was a lot of souls? Of, like… puppies.
A: No! Frankly, I don’t even think that’s going to fool Ubuntu.
Q: Man! You know, it looked really cool in the all the brochures, but selling your soul to Satan is totally not what it’s cracked up to be!

Jobs Conducts Enigmatic Firing.

Just three weeks before Apple’s Worldwide Developers Conference, Jobs conducted a firing today that has many followers scratching their heads.

As close followers of Apple know, the name of every person Steve Jobs has fired is an anagram for the next product the company releases or updates. In December of last year, Jobs fired engineer Al Pheppilone, whose name is, of course, an anagram for Apple iPhone.

The problem? The name of the engineer Jobs fired today is Xerxes Ng.

“Uh, well, OK, uh,” began Daring Fireball’s John Gruber. “Oh! It’s, uh, X-Ser… uh, no. How about Sex… well, probably not…

“No, wait! It’s X-Ser… oh, no, wait, I tried that.”

“Maybe we should ask [the New York Times’ David] Pogue. Does the Times have a Jumble?”

For his part, Pogue was simply incredulous.

“What the hell kind of a name is Xerxes Ng anyway?!” Pogue demanded. “I mean, the guy’s half Persian half Vietnamese? Why the hell couldn’t Jobs have fired that dude named Mac Proboko? I mean, he’s a total slacker.”

Apple followers are now watching the company closely in the hopes that Jobs will fire someone with at least a few more vowels in the weeks between now and WWDC.

Woz Announces New Venture.

In a surprise move, Steve “Woz” Wozniak announced today that he was founding a new firm to compete with Apple, Inc., a company he started with Steve Jobs 30 years ago.

Like Apple, Wozniak’s PhonePhreaks Unlimited will market a line of handheld devices, computers, and phones. Unlike Apple, however, PU products will only incidentally be computing devices and telephones. Rather, Woz said he is poised to capture the hacking and pranking aesthetic.

“When you use the wPhone, you’ll receive a slight electric shock when it rings, unless you remember to enter ‘skcussboj’ every morning,” Wozniak said in a conversation overheard through a shotgun mike aimed near his backyard.

“Better still, you can set the device so that when someone asks you to see your wPhone, it will produce an ear-splitting shriek and an electric shock when they start messing with it. It’s awesome! Waaaaa!!! Ah-ha-ha!”

The wPhone will primarily work as a voicemail system, including a voicetree prepopulated with endless loops and Polish jokes. It will also allow the user to receive and place calls, but only to for-fee sex talk lines and Dr. Phil’s home phone.

A wWoz computer will be an aquarium full of mechanical fish, which will emit puns on a regular basis. A Woz Pro desktop model will only run Mac OS X in a form of emulation that experts haven’t yet figured out, but seems to involve BeOS, nuclear radiation, and cells scraped from Woz’s cheeks.

It is unclear whether Woz believes these products will actually compete with Apple offerings or if this is yet another prank. Or whether the idea of the products is a bigger prank than his production of them. Or if Wozniak is simply too inscrutable to fathom.

Analysts speculate that the firms hired to manufacture the PU products will find that when the schematics are turned into circuit boards, the metal traces will reveal a picture of Woz mooning Steve Jobs.