Author: CARS Staff

Judge In Apple Court Case Finds iPod Shuffle Cap In His Bed.

In what lawyers for plaintiffs are saying was a blatant act of intimidation, Judge Edward Mann – the adjudicator of the Apple Corps vs. Apple Computer case – found the cap of his prized iPod shuffle in his bed.

Mann, who had already admitted to being an iPod user, was quite shaken by the incident.

“It was terrifying,” Mann said hugging his torso, still wrapped in a terrycloth bathrobe.

“In all my years on the bench, I’ve never felt so violated. So vulnerable. It’s a 1 GB model and I really love it. It’s quite precious to me, so this is particularly painful.

“Of course, it just snaps right back on…” Mann admitted, pantomiming the motion of snapping a shuffle cap on. “Just… click… and it’s back on. And I suppose it’s possible it just popped off as I was listening to it in bed…

“But still…”

Lawyers for plaintiff Apple Corps quickly filed a motion against Apple asking that the company be held in contempt of court.

“This blatant act of intimidation won’t stand,” said Geoffrey Vos, counsel for Apple Corps. “Apple Computer’s threats of violence against Judge Mann must be dealt with in the strictest manner possible.”

Reached for comment at his dentist’s office, Apple CEO Steve Jobs, his cheeks stuffed with cotton balls, said “Judge Mann has a nice house. Nice family. It would be a shame if something were to happen to them.

“I’ve spent my whole life trying not to be careless… with the exception of the first 25 years. I would suggest that Judge Mann do the same.”

Other than CEO Steve Jobs, Apple declined to comment for this story.

Newton 2100 And eMate 300 Declared "Obsolete"

Shocking news hit the Newton-using community today as Apple quietly announced that the Newton 2100 and the eMate 300 were officially declared “obsolete.” A declaration of obsolete means that Apple has discontinued hardware service with no exceptions and service providers cannot order parts.

Reaction from all 15 Newton users was swift and angry.

“Who’s obsolete, Steve Jobs, you bitch?” asked a visibly agitated Grant Hutchinson. “Your momma, that’s who. It’s… it’s your momma who’s… um… obsolete.

“I’m sorry, I know that doesn’t make any sense. This is just really upsetting.”

More disturbing than those who – like Hutchinson – expressed anger, were those continuing to live in denial.

“Steve said he was going to replace the Newton,” said Adam Tow, sitting in a corner hugging his knees and rocking back and forth while tapping at his Newton 2100 compulsively. “Steve wouldn’t lie to us. He wouldn’t lie to us! Why would he lie to us? He has no reason to lie to us!”

A review of online materials indicates that Jobs has lied to Apple customers no fewer than 3,453 times.

“A Newton replacement is coming!” Tow shouted. “It’s coming! Just wait! You’ll see!”

Apple declined to comment for this story other than to say that Tow is wrong and a Newton replacement is not coming.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I have a Mac mini with a SuperDrive and I want to be able to copy DVDs that I rent at the store so I can have them around… um… for the kiddies. I know it can be done, but I tried to ask how to do this on Apple’s support boards and all I got was a long ride on the waaaaaaambulance about how it’s illegal or something. Some crap like that. Stupid crap. So, how do I copy DVDs?
A: Copying DVDs is illegal and Crazy Apple Rumors Site and its parent company Giant Squid Productions do not condone, sanction or participate in the practice.
Q: …
A: …
Q: …
A: We do however offer a pamphlet entitled “How To Copy DVDs – Or ‘How I Stopped Worrying About DRM And Learned To Love Sticking It To The Man.'”
Q: I’ll take ten.

Q: I recently bought a Mac mini and a video iPod…
A: Not a true video iPod. That won’t be out until…
Q: Stop it.
A: Sorry. Rumor writer tick.
Q: Anyway, when I went to load up iTunes and rip some songs, I actually read the EULA and… well… I don’t know, maybe everyone else knows this but me, but is Steve Jobs really allowed to come into my house while I’m asleep and suck vital fluids from my brain using a fleshy proboscis that he normally keeps retracted inside his cheek?
A: Oh, sure. That’s standard. Well… standard taking into account Steve’s particular genetic mutation. But you should read the EULA for the Windows version of Microsoft Office. There’s some scary shit in there. Human sacrifice kinda scary.
Q: Well, I know. That’s was why I decided to switch to the Mac. Hmm. I’m thinking maybe I’ll try Linux.
A: Ha! Go ahead! Enjoy your quarterly game of nude Twister with Linus Torvalds!
Q: You’re making that up.
A: Am not! Section 14.3 of the GNU GPL!
Q: The hell?! What is with this industry?!

Q: I’m working on an aging G3 PowerBook running OS 9. I know, I know, it’s high past time that I make the move to OS X and I fully intend to do that. My problem right now, though, is do I go to a PowerPC-based Mac laptop or an Intel-based one?
A: First you’re going to want to catalog your applications and determine a cost for replacing each and whether or not Universal Binaries are available. Then you’re going to want to assign a weighting for each application’s value to you. If you have crucial applications that are not available as Universal Binaries and aren’t likely to be available before the sun explodes – cough, Photoshop, cough – you’re more likely to want a G4-based iBook or PowerBook. But buying a G4-based laptop means you’ll be facing another migration down the road. You can perform a cost/benefit analysis using the time value of money approach to figure out which is the most optimal solution for you.
Q: Huh. Jeez, it sounds kind of complicated.
A: Well, yes, it is.
Q: You know, on second thought, I think it’s easier to just sit here and continue to drink.
A: Well… OS 9’s not that bad.
Q: Not after a couple of martinis.