Author: John Moltz

Leopard Review.

Rejoice Comrades! Chairman Steve has won yet another stunning victory over the forces of the unwashed, styleless masses of the bourgeois technology industry!

Leopard, a work of technological art and might wrought by Chairman Steve with his very own hands from ones and zeros, revolutionizes the desktop much in the way Chairman Steve has revolutionized the hearts and minds of both the technological intelligentsia and proletariate. It throws off the shackles of the capitalist Redmond robber barons and frankly just makes Linux look like ass.

It also has a really cool startup video and does something with FSEvents I don’t really understand.

All errors encountered during upgrading to Leopard have been revealed to be the work of running-dog third party developers! Their system extensions are clearly immoral and have been implemented in a counterrevolutionary manner.

Several imperialist patsies have attempted to besmirch this great work in a vain attempt to boost their pathetic careers while selling out those who actually contribute to society.

But never fear! Chairman Steve’s glorious revolution continues unabated! They shall burn in the fires of change! Their shorts shall ride up in a wedgie of enormous magnitude! All shall be enlightened by Chairman Steve’s clarity of vision and the virility of his execution!

Long live Chairman Steve and his glorious work, Leopard!

Four stars out of five.

Leopard!

Hey, kids! Have you heard about the Leopard! Oh, yah, it’s the new thing all the hep cats are into! Come Friday, you don’t want to be that one dorkweed still on Tiger! I mean, Tiger? What’s that?!

Ha-ha!

Well, it’s the operating system you’re all running now, of course.

Except for Larry who’s still running OS 9.

Get with the program, Larry!

Now, you may have seen some sites that attempt to give you the 411 on Leopard. But don’t let those bitches use your toothbrush, my friend! We’ve boiled down their “supposed” list of “300 features” to 10 essential things to take away about the Leopard!

Now… Let’s Leopard!

If you’re like me, you have many questions. What is Leopard? What does it do? How does it do it? Who’s responsible? What’s that thing on my back? Is it a mole? Should I have that checked? It’s more like a flap of skin, isn’t it? Does that look right to you? Doesn’t it look like the kind of thing you see on the people who live in the Port Authority terminal? Should I get some kind of an ointment? I probably shouldn’t pull it off with a pair of tweezers…

…or should I?!

Let’s find out!

  1. Leopard runs on your compooter! Provided your compooter is one o’ them there Mac jobbies. It makes the computer go and run fast!
  2. Leopard is one of those cool kids who kind of spans all groups. Like sometimes you’ll see it with the stoners out back of the cafeteria by the dumpster, yah, but it’s also got a letter jacket in track so it can hang with the jocks. And it spent the summer in Paris and totally rules the French Club!
  3. You may have heard that Leopard is made up of ones and zeros. Not true. Leopard is made of fancy cheese!
  4. Did you know that Leopard adds integers and fractions?! It’s true!
  5. Leopard manages the sharing of the resources and processes system data and user input, all while lookin’ all gussied up like! Yeah! It’s tarted up prettier than a $50 whore! Have you seen that Time Machine? Oh, man, would I like to hit that!
  6. Apropos of nothing, Leopard makes its own blender mayonnaise!
  7. Leopard comes with a free sticker! How cool is that?!
  8. If you were to time travel and take a Mac with Leopard loaded on it back to 1973 and were to show some people then what computers will be like in the future, you could totally get some hot 1973 chick into bed with you! But make sure it’s not your mom, dude.
  9. Leopard avenges thee upon those who hath wronged thee!
  10. Leopard is a sense of warm fulfillment, like sitting close to a loved one in a far-away cabin watching the snow fall and drinking hot chocolate. Which is good for you, because everyone hates you and you live in an efficiency and are allergic to chocolate.

So do yourself a favor, princess. Get in your busted-ass AMC Pacer and head down to the Apple Store on Friday and pick up a copy of Tiger.

I mean Leopard.

Whatever.

Or maybe you just need some RCA cables.

Fuck if I know.

Who am I? Kreskin?

Sick

We really wanted to do a Help Desk, but illness has swept through the Crazy Apple Rumors Site offices like Sherman through Atlanta. You’d think with a staff the size of ours at least someone would be well enough but the problem is we have one of those water fountains that has a really weak spout so if one of us gets something, we all get it.

Admittedly, this is probably an aftereffect of staying out late drinking with our Apple sources last night, but how else are we going to get them soused enough to tell us all about the tablet device that’s going to be introduced at Macworld?

Sadly, that didn’t actually pan out as they passed out during the tequila course around 2 AM.

The only one not stricken horribly ill is the Entity who, now sporting the bod of Jennifer fricking Connelly, is just standing around striking seductive poses.

Thanks. That’s really helping. Thanks a bunch.

At any rate, you guys are pretty good at rolling your own Help Desk, so please have at it in the comments. Don’t mind us. We’ll just be lying on the couch and the floor in the break room moaning in pain and waiting for our Tom Yum soup to arrive from East & West Café.

I wonder if the delivery guy will think it’s weird if we ask him to spoon-feed it to us?

No post. No post. Not posting. No!

Shocking news came late this afternoon as – just hours after announcing a release date of October 26th – Apple announced that Leopard would be delayed again. According to the company, some late testing revealed that there were lingering performance issues on older Macs.

When asked which Macs were affected, head of Mac hardware engineering Peter Mehring said “Mostly Performas. For some reason it runs really slow on even a later Performa like a 6400. And that was a really nice machine. Despite what people said.”

Mehring said he thought it might be the Core Animation.

“Or, really, it could be an icon, actually. They’re a lot bigger than they used to be.”

Asked about the system requirements that state a G4 or higher is required, Mehring said “Oh, that? That’s wrong. I mean, why wouldn’t we get it working on as many machines as possible? Like the PowerBook 2400? Now that was a machine.”

Mehing thinks it will only take another 10, 14, 28 months to get one or two of the 300 Leopard technologies running on Performas.

“I’m sure everyone understands. Shouldn’t be long. Well, OK, kind of long. But, we’d hate to leave our Performa-using customers behind.

“Um… again.”
A huge news day today as CEO Steve Jobs announced that Apple would indeed be releasing an iPhone SDK as this site accurately reported was predicted last week.

Jobs said the development work would take some time as Apple was trying to come up with an effective way to skim a little off the top for Stevie ensure that the applications are secure.

Meanwhile, reports indicated that Apple would be selling an unlocked version of the iPhone in France, a surprising revelation considering the lengths the company has gone to to lock the phone to AT&T in the U.S.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Apple has found another way to achieve its objectives. The unlocked version of the iPhone will cost 9, 000 Euros.

“There you go, you French whiners,” Steve Jobs reportedly said. “Happy fricking Bastille Day.”

Jobs seemed uninterested to learn that Bastille Day is actually in July, but added “I got your unlocked iPhone… right… here.”

And then he grabbed a part of his body where it was unlikely there was actually an unlocked iPhone, unless Apple will be releasing iPhone crotch holsters any time in the near future.

Jobs further added that French people could “mange” his “big, crusty baguette.”

“And by that I mean my junk,” Jobs concluded.

The French government declined to comment for this story.
Ha-ha!

No!

No post!

Instead, Pabst Blue Ribbon for everyone.

Please print this page out, report to your local beverage establishment and present it for your free draft beer.

Offer void, um, everywhere.