Author: John Moltz

Apple Provides Fabulous New Feature Free of Charge

iPhone owners were delighted today to learn that Apple has, unbeknownst to them, been providing a spectacular feature free of charge for the last year or so.

“I can’t believe my iPhone’s been tracking everywhere I’ve been!” said iPhone owner Rick Tansley. “This is terrific!”

According to results revealed by two researchers, the iPhone and the 3G iPad keep track of the user’s location at all times using cell towers.

“Oh, my god!” said 3G iPad owner Elliot Cornin. “It tracks everywhere I go and I don’t even have to pay for it! It’s incredible! I mean… I just found my keys!”

After the news broke this morning, experts quickly detailed the many benefits of Apple’s amazing pre-Easter egg.

“Everyone will love this feature,” said Macworld’s Dan Moren. “Never again will you wake up from a drug and alcohol-fueled haze and wonder where you illegally drove last night. Was it you who ran that bus full of nuns and orphaned Internet kittens off the road? Now you’ll know!

“And think of the many benefits for mobsters. If you’re going to whack someone, just give your iPhone to a lackey for the night and have him go to a baseball game. The applications for this are almost limitless. Kudos to you, Apple!”

Moren’s enthusiasm was shared universally in the Apple community.

“This is vintage Apple,” said Instapaper developer Marco Arment. “All the while it’s been providing us this amazing feature and we didn’t. Even. Know it.

“Standing ovation.”

This revelation may also lend credence to rumors that Apple has sneaking into your house, standing over your bed and watching you sleep.

But not in a creepy way.

The Setup

I was asked by the fine folks at the Setup to detail my computer setup, how I “get the job done”.

THE SETUP: WHAT THE…? WAIT, THIS GUY WAS NOT ACTUALLY ASKED BY US TO DO THIS.

The Setup, as you know, “is a collection of nerdy interviews, asking people from all walks of life about the software and hardware they use.”

“People from all walks of life” is a coy way of saying “thought leaders”, people who are simply better, more accomplished than you are. Like me.

Let’s get into my Setup.

THE SETUP: WE HAVE NO IDEA WHO THIS GUY IS. NEVER HEARD OF HIM. WE DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW IT IS WE’RE WRITING ON THIS SITE. WE WERE OUT HAVING SOME DRINKS AND THEN WE BLACKED OUT AND NOW WE’RE HERE IN THIS STRANGELY TRON-LIKE WORLD.

Who are you and what do you do?

THE SETUP: HEY, STOP THAT!

I’m John Moltz and I’m one of a new breed of Internet creative content creators who create content on the Internet responding to memes, trending Twitter topics and Facebook with Web 3.0-based content on the Internet using HTML 5.0 standards-based Internet content-creation for mobile platform deployment of content, on the Internet, and Twitter.

THE SETUP: OH, COME ON. YOU’RE JUST THROWING OUT RANDOM BUZZWORDS.

Hey! I read what the other people on your site did! Don’t start changing the rules of the game now!

THE SETUP: FINE. LET’S JUST GET THROUGH THIS AS FAST AS POSSIBLE, OK? WHAT HARDWARE ARE YOU USING?

My main rig is a Huffy 3-speed with a banana seat, a sissy bar and tassles on the handles. I like to prop the end of a board up on a soap box and do some wicked jumps off…

THE SETUP: NO, NO, YOU IDIOT! YOUR COMPUTER HARDWARE!

Oh. Are you sure? I think I’m more known for my boss tricks.

THE SETUP: I AM GOING SOCK YOU RIGHT IN THE BANANA SEAT WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE.

Well, my laptop is a 13-inch 2.5 Ghz MacBook Pro. Lately, because I ride the train to my day job (long story involving the Entity and loss of funding), I’ve been working a lot on an iPad with Apple’s Bluetooth keyboard. I also have a 2.4 Ghz 20-inch iMac which is mainly a media server that has a FireWire 800 Drobo for backup. Then I have a 1.5 Ghz Mac mini I use for archiving older data and doing random tasks like long uploads. 

THE SETUP: AND WHAT SOFT…

My old 1 Ghz Titanium PowerBook…

THE SETUP: OH. SORRY. I ASSUMED YOU WERE DONE.

…sits on the desk next to the mini and I use it to copy old VHS tapes to digital using an EyeTV. I also have a G4 Sawtooth that I run headless for backup of files I really should just delete but don’t because I lack conviction.

THE SETUP: NOW CAN WE TALK ABOUT…

I also have…

THE SETUP: OH, JESUS.

…a Performa 6400 which sits in the corner and I use to access floppy disks when needed or to just play retro games like Marathon or SimAnt.

THE SETUP: …

And I have a Mac SE.

THE SETUP: …

And a Mac Plus.

THE SETUP: …

That’s it.

THE SETUP: WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?

OK, ask me about software now.

THE SETUP: UGH. WHAT SOFTWARE DO YOU USE? ASSHOLE.

On the Mac I use BBEdit for writing my numerous, highly popular web sites…

THE SETUP: [EYE ROLL]

…and on the iPad I use PlainText which is a great iOS text editor that syncs with DropBox. For reading, I use NetNewsWire on both the Mac and iOS as well as the indispensable Instapaper which is great for sending articles to that you can later delete without reading. It’s one of a new breed of guilt-lessening apps that enable bad behaviors that you either can’t or don’t want to shake. I think they’re going to be the next big thing in software development.

THE SETUP: YOU’RE USING IT WRONG.

Ha-ha! Well, one of us is, that’s for sure!

THE SETUP: IT’S YOU.

Ha-ha! Ahhh. You’re probably right.

THE SETUP: CAN WE GO NOW?

It’s like you don’t even know your own shtick.

THE SETUP: OH FOR… WHAT WOULD BE YOUR DREAM SETUP?

Well, I think the main thing that’s holding back my game is…

THE SETUP: HAVING INHALED PLASTIC FUMES AS A CHILD?

Hey, no one told me that melted plastic – my medium of choice – was not a good idea. But, no, it’s not having a top-of-the-line MacBook Air.

THE SETUP: SO, YOU’D DITCH THE IPAD OR THE MACBOOK PRO?

Ditch? No, no. What, are you crazy? I need an Air in addition to those. I mean, if I really want to take it to the next level.

THE SETUP: TAKE WHAT TO THE NEXT LEVEL? WHAT DO YOU EVEN DO?

Look, I told you. I’m into creative Internet content creation. On the Internet. Oh, and I don’t have a Magic Trackpad. I’d like one of those.

THE SETUP: YOU JUST WANT NEW TOYS! YOU’RE NOT USING THEM TO DO ANYTHING! YOU’RE LIKE A TODDLER.

Ha! A toddler with 15 mildly amusing web sites!

THE SETUP: EXACTLY.

Oh. Right. That’s not actually better, is it.

THE SETUP: WE’RE DONE NOW, RIGHT? CAN WE GO?

Um… yeah. The door was actually open the whole time.

THE SETUP: I HATE YOU.

Apple Faces New Suit

Days after being hit with a suit charging it violated customers’ privacy, Apple has been hit with yet another. The company has been charged in the International Criminal Court in the Hague with crimes against humanity.

Prosecutor Luis Moreno Ocampo said “Throughout the mid-2000s Apple did, with malice aforethought, promote the music of John Mayer, inflicting untold pain and suffering on the peoples of the world.”

At a press conference at the Hague, Ocampo presented the testimony of several of Apple’s victims.

“I live in fear every day,” said Marco Catabay of the Philippines, his hands shaking with emotion. “My children, they cannot sleep at night after accidentally hearing ‘Gravity’ on the radio. ‘Gravity wants to bring me down’? Of course it does! That’s what gravity is for! It keeps you from flying off the planet!

“It doesn’t make any sense! Nothing makes any sense anymore!” Catabay broke into tears and had to be led away.

Ocampo then asked 18-year-old Anika Norsen of Finland to read from Mayer’s song “Daughters”.

Norsen spoke haltingly, choking on the words. “Girls… become lovers… who turn into… mothers… so mothers be good… be good to… be…

“I can’t,” Norsen said, her eyes welling up with tears. “I can’t do it. I’m sorry, I know I said I could, but… it’s too much. I can’t go through it again. Not after that time in the mall.”

Putting a comforting hand on Norsen’s shoulder. “Apple has much to answer for to the people of the world for promoting this monster in its press events, on its web site and in its advertising. We will show that the company owes the world restitution. We will bring them to justice.”

Even long time Apple proponents were forced to admit there was no way to defend the company for this.

“I have no explanation,” said Daniel Eran Dilger, throwing up his hands. “Even I’ve got nothing. It was inexcusable. And we all turned a blind eye to it.”

Reached for comment, Apple spokesperson Trudy Muller said “John Mayer is a Grammy Award-winning artist who’s beloved throughout the world for his heartfelt pop tunes. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Hastily shoving clothes into a suitcase, Muller added “By the way, do you have any idea which countries don’t have extradition treaties?”

Wozniak Opens Mouth Again

Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak has opened his mouth again today setting off the latest barrage of analysis over what it could possibly mean. Long-time Apple followers will remember that Wozniak frequently opines about the company, usually causing people to confuse his opinions and misperceptions with fact or the company’s official position.

Adding to the complexity this time, however, Wozniak appears to have spoken in tongues, issuing a series of seemingly nonsensical statements to reporters.

“Abbu blabba!” Wozniak said. “Hepta blinga ooza. Mabba. Mabba. HEYOOOOO! Ack tak tooey. Hooma tetty. Eska tappa badoor mak moodo. FAK ZAAAA!”

“I’m sure it means something,” said TUAW‘s Mike Rose. “Possibly about new MacBook Pros? The timing would be right. Or the iPad 2. Does any of that sound like ‘front-facing camera’ to you? Crap, I have no idea how to write this up.”

Other Apple followers suprisingly expressed certainty over the meaning of Wozniak’s utterances.

“He’s obviously talking about the Xserve,” said AppleInsider‘s Kasper Jade. “While Apple itself has canceled the device, it’s contracted out the continued development of the Xserve to a Chinese firm.

“It’s so obvious and Woz is perfectly positioned to know about that kind of thing. You don’t get to ride a Segway without being in the know.”

Later in the day, Wozniak held another press conference in an apparent attempt to clarify some of his comments after becoming concerned that he was being misinterpreted.

“Mondo wacka,” Wozniak explained. “Zin zooey isska badoom. HENDO RICKTAN! Eeen gakko tazookie. Hoooooooooora! Hoooooooooora!”

Reporters struggled to make sense of this further statement but dutifully reported it. The inexplicable repetition of Wozniak’s pronouncements is in its 30th year and shows no signs of abatement.