Apple Faces New Suit

Days after being hit with a suit charging it violated customers’ privacy, Apple has been hit with yet another. The company has been charged in the International Criminal Court in the Hague with crimes against humanity.

Prosecutor Luis Moreno Ocampo said “Throughout the mid-2000s Apple did, with malice aforethought, promote the music of John Mayer, inflicting untold pain and suffering on the peoples of the world.”

At a press conference at the Hague, Ocampo presented the testimony of several of Apple’s victims.

“I live in fear every day,” said Marco Catabay of the Philippines, his hands shaking with emotion. “My children, they cannot sleep at night after accidentally hearing ‘Gravity’ on the radio. ‘Gravity wants to bring me down’? Of course it does! That’s what gravity is for! It keeps you from flying off the planet!

“It doesn’t make any sense! Nothing makes any sense anymore!” Catabay broke into tears and had to be led away.

Ocampo then asked 18-year-old Anika Norsen of Finland to read from Mayer’s song “Daughters”.

Norsen spoke haltingly, choking on the words. “Girls… become lovers… who turn into… mothers… so mothers be good… be good to… be…

“I can’t,” Norsen said, her eyes welling up with tears. “I can’t do it. I’m sorry, I know I said I could, but… it’s too much. I can’t go through it again. Not after that time in the mall.”

Putting a comforting hand on Norsen’s shoulder. “Apple has much to answer for to the people of the world for promoting this monster in its press events, on its web site and in its advertising. We will show that the company owes the world restitution. We will bring them to justice.”

Even long time Apple proponents were forced to admit there was no way to defend the company for this.

“I have no explanation,” said Daniel Eran Dilger, throwing up his hands. “Even I’ve got nothing. It was inexcusable. And we all turned a blind eye to it.”

Reached for comment, Apple spokesperson Trudy Muller said “John Mayer is a Grammy Award-winning artist who’s beloved throughout the world for his heartfelt pop tunes. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Hastily shoving clothes into a suitcase, Muller added “By the way, do you have any idea which countries don’t have extradition treaties?”

61 thoughts on “Apple Faces New Suit”

  1. Although personally I’d try to distract them by repeating ‘What so proudly we watched at the twilight’s last gleaming’ over and over and over and over and over again.

    Until they really *did* feel proud for watching.

  2. I think you meant “twilight’s last reaming.”

    Which is what she said. (No, really, she did.)

    I think it has something to do with those lousy vampire movies.

  3. I think this whole thing is getting blown out of proportion. And the John Mayer problem is being misinterpreted. Apple didn’t actually create John Mayer. Did you notice the thing on Will.i.am’s head? Hiatus?

  4. And can we go easy on Christina Argylesox? She had to take the gig singing in the Superbowl. She got turned down by every self-respecting pimp in Detroit.

  5. See how hip Nxxx and I are knowing all about that Super Bowl thing.

    Man we’ve got our fingers on the pulse.

    Or heels, in the case of Christeeny Weeny.

    That’s probably the root of the problem – oxygen starvation.

  6. Yo John Mayer, I’ma let you finish, but Neil Young is the whiniest emo douchebag “singer” of all time. OF ALL TIME!

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