Category: Apple Community

Macworld Pundit Showdown

No words. They should have sent a poet.
Yours truly appeared on the Macworld Pundit Showdown with Andy Ihnatko, Adam Engst, Dan Moren and moderator Jason Snell. Thrill to the sounds of vacuous Mac jerks as they pretend to compete for points and something resembling a thin veneer of respectability. The competitiveness, pathos and excitement of a professional sporting event are, sadly, completely lacking from this hour of entertainment that the Des Moines, Iowa Macintosh Users Group newsletter called “Not worth reviewing.”

For you, however, sitting in your first floor apartment, eating Fiddle Faddle and watching episodes of the original Battlestar Galactica on Blu Ray while Googling cheesecake pictures of Maren Jensen and trying to resist the temptations of the flesh, well,
Yours truly appeared on the Macworld Pundit Showdown with Andy Ihnatko, Adam Engst, Dan Moren and moderator Jason Snell.

Thrill to the sounds of vacuous Mac jerks as they pretend to compete for points and something resembling a thin veneer of respectability. The competitiveness, pathos and excitement of a professional sporting event are, sadly, completely lacking from this hour of entertainment that the Des Moines, Iowa Macintosh Users Group newsletter called “Not worth reviewing.”

For you, however, sitting in your first floor apartment, eating Fiddle Faddle and watching episodes of the original Battlestar Galactica on Blu Ray while Googling cheesecake pictures of Maren Jensen and trying to resist the temptations of the flesh, facing yet another Christmas alone having alienated everyone you once held dear, well, it might be good for you.

A failure of ethics in journalism

Steve Jobs stopped at Japan airport for having Ninja throwing stars – The Loop

Apple CEO Steve Jobs was reportedly stopped at Japan’s Kansai International Airport because a security scan detected weapons in his luggage.

The weapons were Ninja throwing stars that Jobs was bringing back to the U.S. According to SPA Magazine,

Frankly, Roosevelt’s illness and in the 1960’s helped cover up Kennedy’s philandering, he’s still Superman.

But shame on Jim for not mentioning he was going to do this on the elite Apple press email list we all belong to. We here at Crazy Apple Rumors Site (which, by the way, Wired, is trademarked in the state of Washington) have known of this incident since it happened back in July. But we did what good reporters do: we covered it up.

That’s our commitment to you: covering up the stuff you really shouldn’t know about.

Macworld unveils Macworld Insider Insider

Just moments after announcing its new premium subscription service, Macworld Insider, Macworld magazine announced its new premium premium service, Macworld Insider Insider.

“Macworld Insider gives you full RSS feeds, electronic access to back issues and full prima donna status in the Macworld forums,” said managing editor Jason Snell. “It’s the subscription service for the elite Macworld reader. The reader who’s a cut above the usual yahoos who read our magazine.

“Macworld Insider Insider, however, is for those above the elite.”

According to Snell and a press release written on the softest of lambskin in the finest India ink and delivered by a naked lady riding a white stallion, “Macworld Insider Insider is the Macworld magazine subscription service for the Illuminati of the Apple world, those who are influencers, opinion makers, those who pull the puppet strings.

“People like John Moltz.” (At least that’s what my press release said.)

For an undisclosed amount (because if you have to ask, you can’t afford it), Macworld Insider Insider subscribers will receive:

  • More unneeded justification for their already overblown, smug feelings of superiority.
  • A personal reading of each edition by a supine Andy Ihnatko, wearing nothing but a towel.
  • Frequent calls throughout the day from editor Dan Moren to give you the “inside scoop” on what Steve Jobs is doing right now. Here’s an exclusive preview: “Hi. It’s Dan. No, he’s still eating the falafel, but he took a phone call about five minute ago from someone and said ‘Fine. Sure. OK.’ and then hung up. Not sure what that… I GOTTA GO I THINK HE SEES ME BEHIND THIS PLANT. [click]”
  • Complete video of Chris Breen’s latest colonoscopy.
  • One (1) Rob Griffiths, mint in box.
  • “Complete access” to Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller, if you know what I mean.
  • A Macworld tote bag.

In a comment thread on the article announcing Macworld Insider, readers — unaware of Macworld Insider Insider — bemoaned the fact that we live in a market economy.

“It is unacceptable to expect the working proletariat — the true engine of all economic activity — to have to pay for goods and services that ultimately are produced on their own backs,” said commenter Carl Marks. “Your capitalist exploitation will collapse under the weight of its own greed and be swept away by the fires of the coming glorious socialist revolution!”

Commenter Lenny Trotts agreed. “$3 A MONTH IS TOO MUCH SB FREE MACWORLD #FAIL”

While both Macworld Insider and Macworld Insider Insider are available immediately, video of Breen’s colonoscopy is still going through the post-production work Breen insisted on in order to make his colon look “stunning”.

(Disclaimer: I have been known to write for and receive payment from Macworld and there may be incriminating photos of me on the Internet drinking with some of their staff. Scandalous, really.)

Stark Expo Hires Paul Kent.

In a stunning blow to IDG, Stark Expo has hired away the man widely credited for keeping Macworld Expo afloat since Apple stopped attending the conference after last year.

Stark Industries CEO Pepper Potts, who sits on the board of Stark Expo, explained the move.

“After the events of Stark Expo 2010, we need someone with Paul’s experience in rebuilding confidence in a conference,” she said. “As you can imagine, it’s a little hard to get exibitors to sign on for Stark Expo 2011 when their pavillions were all destroyed by automated battle drones controlled by a Russian maniac bent on revenge. Paul brings a proven track record of being able to accentuate the positive in a difficult situation.”

For his part, Kent was melancholy about leaving Macworld Expo behind, but excited about the opportunity presented to him.

“I’ll miss the people of the Apple community who I’ve worked with for so long,” Kent said. “That truly was the best thing about putting this show on every year. The people.”

“But, holy crap, is Stark Expo paying me a lot of money! I mean, I threw out a number that was so big astronauts could see it from space and they added a zero to it! I should have switched to defense industry conference planning years ago. No offense, but so long, Mac suckers!”

Composing himself and wiping the tears of laughter out of his eyes with a crisp $100 bill, Kent said “No, but seriously, I’m gonna miss you.”

Kent does have his work cut out for him. So far the only two exhibitors signed on for 2011 are Stark Industries itself and Xe Services.

“I’m pretty sure that, with the help of my obscene entertainment budget and the Stark Industries luxury box at Yankee Stadium, I’ll be able to sign on some more big-name exhibitors this summer,” Kent said. “I dunno, does anyone make cases for weapons systems? People like cases.”

IDG CEO Bob Carrigan issued a prefunctory statement expressing his personal disappointment while wishing Kent all the best.

Carrigan was later seen at a Boston drinking establishment crying while sipping a crantini.