Apple shares took a rollercoaster ride today, the final results of which may not be realized for several days as investors sort out the rumors.
Apple’s stock tumbled early on news of a report on Law.com that said company officials forged documents related to the issuance of employee stock options and that CEO Steve Jobs had retained legal counsel in the affair. After further reports that Jobs was unlikely to be at risk and his decision to seek counsel was likely nothing more than a precautionary measure, shares rose around mid-day.
Shares fell again in early afternoon trading, however, after another web site reported that Jobs might actually be a chick. This speculation launched another class action suit against the company and Jobs, claiming the thought of him as a chick was “icky” and complaining “Oh, great, now we have that image in our heads and right after the holidays even, so thank you very much.”
Shares quickly rose in early mid-afternoon trading when the web site was revealed to be www.d00dz-2-chickz.com, a site specializing in information on…
…well, something that tends to make males involuntarily cross their legs and that it had actually said Jobs could be a chick with some surgery and estrogen.
This rise was to be short-lived as in the mid-mid-afternoon, shares fell again on news that Jobs had fallen into a deep funk about the mid-season cancellation of Lifetime’s Angela’s Eyes.
“Abigail Spencer is such a talented actress,” Jobs reportedly sighed, near tears. “And Dozer had a MacBook! Stupid network execs! Stupid, stupid, stupid!”
In the mid-afternoon, shares rose again when investors realized they had never even heard of Angela’s Eyes before and Jobs would probably snap out of it if they just got him into Veronica Mars.
Alas, their irrational exuberance proved unsustainable through early late afternoon when it was revealed in a hastily-convened press conference that Jobs was not – as many assumed – a nigh-omnipotent being sent by a dying alien race to save humans from their own failings.
Just as shares were plummeting again, the company announced in mid-late afternoon that Jobs was, in fact, the Greek god Prometheus and was here to deliver unimaginable technology that will elevate us from our current primitive state.
The market closed shortly thereafter, leaving shares up 0.01 on the day and the hands of numerous securities traders severely cramped.
“I’m thrilled to announce that Stock Photo Guy has joined our executive team, said Apple CEO Steve Jobs, standing next to a picture of his newest recruit.