Category: Apple Executives

When thinking of Apple, followers of the company think of stunning hardware, ease of use, a mercurial CEO and many, many, many, many lawsuits.

But physicists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT), have discovered an alternate universe where Apple is subject not to lawsuits, but pantsuits.

Dr. Ranjit Vij, chief of MIT’s Dimensional Research Program said “They’re all wearing them. Jobs, Schiller… uh… that other guy… with the weird Adam’s apple… Ricky? Scooter? Eh, I forget his name. But I’m telling you, it’s freaky.”

Vij said that the alternate universe Apple is exactly the same as this universe’s Apple, except for the pantsuits and the complete lack of any lawsuits.

“What’s really weird,” Vij said, “is that when they go home, the alternate universe Apple employees get out of their pantsuits and put on what they were in this universe. So, Steve puts on a black turtleneck and jeans, Schiller puts on a polo shirt and khakis, and… uh… and… well, that other guy puts on whatever he wears.”

Vij said that his program does not have the capability to view into the homes of Apple executives in this universe to provide a basis for comparison.

“But, c’mon. If that’s what they do in that universe, wouldn’t you think they do the opposite in this universe? You know… all go home and put pantsuits on?”

Vij speculated that if employees of this universe’s Apple are going home and putting on pantsuits, that they might be able to reverse the company’s fate as the target of lawsuits by reversing their wardrobe choices.

“Although, they may already know that and just think the public lawsuits are better than public pantsuits,” Vij said. “And who am I to argue with that?”

According to an anonymous Apple programmer, the supposed “Asteroid” project was part of a misinformation campaign by CEO Steve Jobs intended to trap leakers.

In retrospect, if true, this explains several odd rumors that have been seen in the past several years. Now sources tell Crazy Apple Rumors Site that it took Apple several tries before it perfected the formula.

“I remember in the summer of 2002 I was standing on a street corner,” a source said, “and up comes Phil Schiller in a trench coat and he says ‘Uh, hey, want to see the plans for the new Apple… uh… portable… uh… micro… holo… projector… oscillation… over-thruster… flux… capacitor… uh… thing?’

“And I’m, like, no. And he’s, like, c’mon. And I’m, like, no, I’m cool. And finally he walks off looking all dejected.

“The whole thing was especially weird because I don’t run a rumor site. I don’t even own a Mac.

“And I’m Amish. I mean, like, really obviously Amish. I have no idea what he was thinking. ‘I’m going to dump a bogus rumor on this Amish dude?’ What the frack?”

Reacting to the surprise on reporters faces, the source added “Oh, what, Amish dudes can’t watch BSG? Oh, man, that is such a stereotype.

“A true stereotype, but a stereotype nonetheless. I mean, I am so not supposed to watch BSG. But there I am every Sunday night…”

The news about Apple’s misinformation campaign also explains the following incidents:

• In the summer of 2003, Apple Insider received anonymous tips that Apple was “cool” and its products “way boss”.
• The 1-800-GET-RMRS number Apple set up in May of 2004.
• A report in early 2005 on Think Secret indicating that Steve Jobs “is a wildcat in the sack.”

Apple declined to comment for this story, but did push a manila envelope containing plans for new touch-screen Cinema Displays that are supposedly coming out next month across the table and raise its eyebrows several times.

When Apple CEO Steve Jobs came out against DRM two weeks ago, Apple fans cheered.

When Jobs lit into teachers’ unions last week, some Apple fans supported him while others said he had gone too far.

Now Jobs has pushed the envelope even further. In an 18-page diatribe, the mercurial Apple CEO hauled off on kittens today, sparking another round of controversy.

Here’s a small sample:

Cats, while destructive and useless in nearly every other regard, at least have the singular advantage that you can train them to poop in a box. Not so with kittens.

They are worthless. A blight upon humanity. If Apple did not have to fear an expensive lawsuit from the powerful and criminal kitten-lovers lobby, I would direct it to develop technologies aimed at eradicating these vermin from the face of the earth.

I, personally, have created preliminary schematics for several devices that would incinerate kittens through the use of highly concentrated photon beams. I implore the Bush administration, the U.S. Congress, the Massachussetts Institute of Technology, the Jet Propulsion Laboratories and the Anti-Kitten League to devote all of their funding to researching these vital technologies. Once designed, Apple will happily produce them for free.

Imagine a world without these sofa-scratching, mewling terrorists that can barely hold up their freakishly big-eyed heads.

That’s the kind of world I want to live in.

While most denounced Jobs’ most recent statement, some Apple fans actually came out in support of it.

“Kittens are evil little stuffed socks that move,” said Mac user Sam Marcus. “Long have I waited for someone to speak out against these tiny monsters.

“Although, I wish he’d have said something about when the new iMacs are coming out. I mean, should I buy one now or wait? C’mon, Steve, throw me a bone, here.”

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Jobs is not finished expressing himself and in the coming weeks is expected to go off on other normally inviolate targets such as cocoa, oxygen, and the nape of Jennifer Connelly’s neck.

Despite repeated claims that the Apple options scandal is distracting CEO Steve Jobs, sources close to him indicate that nothing could be further from the truth.

“Were that the case, said one source, “Were Steve to be so easily distracted, there are hundreds of other things that would have distracted the hell out of him prior to this.”

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has compiled the following list of the things that could be distracting Jobs, but are not because of his steely resolve, ability to focus like a laser beam and special boxer-briefs that give him an electric shock every time his mind wanders.

• The almost rhythmic oscillation of Peter Oppenheimer’s doughy jowls when he talks.
• Long-term project to determine the largest prime number using nothing but the Calculator app.
• The chafing when his Brazilian wax starts growing out.
• Prepping for the upcoming draft in the Apple fantasy baseball league.
• The ass on that half-Japanese chick in accounting.
• Putting the final touches on his grand Unification Theory.
• Figuring out how they manage to dehydrate 8 ounces of pineapple to a weight of 1.5 ounces. It has something to do with removing the water… Think, dammit, Steve, think!
• Own executive distraction team consisting of Bill Gates, Michael Dell, Rob Enderle and Kato from the Pink Panther movies.
• That damn Guns N’ Roses the government keeps blasting in between entreaties to surrender.
• Do the writers of “Lost” know where they’re going or are they just making it up as they go?
• Why do they call it a nickel when it isn’t made of nickel?
• Why do the boys in R&D only seem to be able to build male sexbots and why are they always playing the Dave Matthews Band really loud down there?
• Asking self, “When I’m driving, why does the moon keep following me?”
• Initiating letter writing campaign to the folks at Nestlé asking why they can’t make a decent vegetarian Hot Pocket. I mean, how fricking hard should that be?!
• His torrid affair with Oprah Winfrey friend Gayle King.
• Sleep, Restart, Shut Down? Sleep, Restart, Shut Down! SLEEP, RESTART, SHUT DOWN?!!!
• President of Bolivia. That does sound nice…
• Making sure the upcoming Apple Rubber Chicken is designed juuust riiight.
• The free Wednesday waffle bar at Caffe Macs.
• His long-term program to tag-and-release every squirrel on the Apple campus (rudely interrupted from 1985-1997).
• Trying to figure out how to safely remove that deer tick the size of a grapefruit that’s attached to his back.
• Leafing through the latest edition of Gentlemen’s Mock Turtleneck and Jeans Quarterly and wondering – again – when they’re going to interview him.
• All those Cup-O-Puddins just sitting there in his mini-fridge waiting to be eaten.
• The damn Wii that Joz put in the conference room.
• Trying to identify that funky smell in his Mercedes. Is it an old yogurt cup under the seat? What the hell is that?
• The time it’s taking to “mark his territory” on the award money that Apple has to pay those rumor sites before it gets sent out.
• Finally being able to fully indulge his fetish for diapered astronauts online.
• Looking for the “wow,” which is somewhere in “the social”… or… uh…
• Drawing hilariously obtuse schematics for nonexistent products to leak to the rumor sites.
• Gazing at pictures of Chris Breen’s luxurious hair.
• Driving around trying to find a place to bury all those dead hookers in the back of his van.

Apple declined to comment officially for this story but did say “Dead hookers? Really?”

In another sign that Steve Jobs may, indeed, have more money than God as many have said, sources close to the Almighty say He recently borrowed $5 from the mercurial Apple CEO.

On a recent edition of the 700 Club, evangelist Pat Robertson pleaded with viewers to help.

Closing his eyes and holding hands with co-host Terry Meeuwsen, Robertson said “I see something terrible. Just terrible, ladies and gentlemen. I see Our Lord receiving a five dollar bill from a man… I don’t know who he is, but he’s wearing glasses and… and a black turtleneck… no, it’s a mock turtleneck…

“Mock turtleneck,” Meeuwsen intoned, nodding her head in agreement.

“…and jeans… This is just awful. Please, please, send as much money as you can… preferably in large denominations… or you can simply mail us a signed check with the amount left blank and we’ll take care of the rest.”

Reached for comment, Yahweh shrugged off the incident.

“I was a little light this month and Steve was kind enough to lend me a five spot. It’s no big deal. I’ll have it back to him by Friday. Next Tuesday at the latest. Absolute latest.

“Assuming a couple of things come together for me early next week.”

It’s uncertain when Jobs surpassed the One, True God in net worth, but many suspect it was last year when Disney bought Pixar.

Responding to those who fear that if Jobs has more money than Jehovah, then Bill Gates must also, noted religious scholars pointed out that Gates is evil.

“Hence, his money is evil,” said divinity scholar Robert Hansen of the University of Chicago. “So, it’s like… negative money.

“It’s, uh, kind of complicated for a lay person to understand.”

Apple declined to comment, but the Cupertino campus was bathed in a warm, heavenly glow.