Category: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today on the Help Desk… babes!

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Q: Those “I’m a Mac/I’m a PC” commercials are OK, but when are they going to release the Gisele Bundchen ad? Cause, man, she is… wow.
A: Some kind of fine?
Q: She’s so fine she’s out of time!
A: She’s so… what?
Q: Uh…
A: What the hell was that? That doesn’t even make any sense.
Q: I was just… trying something there.
A: Yeah, well, don’t. But, I’ll tell ya, I wouldn’t mind uploading her to my firmware.
Q: Oh, totally! Ha-ha! And I’d like to put dirty pictures of her into my iPhoto library, if you know what I mean!
A: That’s not a… Well, anyway, let’s just say that if she were open-source, I wouldn’t mind tweaking her kernel.
Q: Ha-ha! Yeah! She can check my prostate! Am I right?!
A: …
Q: … Uh…
A: Dude…
Q: Yeah, I know. I am so bad at this…

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Q: I’m a Windows user and I’m just getting fed up with the malware I’m subjected to on a daily basis. I’m thinking of switching to the Mac, but before I do, there’s just one thing I gotta know.
A: You want to know if it’s true that the Mac is a babe magnet.
Q: Exactly.
A: I’m here to tell you, brother, it’s everything it’s cracked up to be.
Q: Awesome!
A: Your best bet is to get a MacBook. Then you can carry it around. You might actually have to use it as protection against the beautiful babes who will be inexorably drawn to you, as the bee to the flower, the lemming to the sea.
Q: Alright! I’m gonna go buy one right now!
A: OK!
MACGRUDER: What the hell was that crap all about? A MacBook’s not going to help that guy pick up chicks. Plastic surgery wouldn’t help that guy pick up chicks. That guy couldn’t pick up chicks if he had a forklift.
A: Hey, a switcher is a switcher.
MACGRUDER: Oh, my god… you’re on commission!
A: $20 a head. You want in?
MACGRUDER: Hell yeah!

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Q: I just wanted to let you know that as a Mac user and also a babe in my own right, I find the subject of this Help Desk to be demeaning and offensive.
A: Oh. Well, I’m sorry that you feel that way. We didn’t mean to offend anyone. But, uh, just for the record, you’re no babe.
Q: What?! Yes I am! Look at these breasts!
A: Oh, no, it’s not the breasts. The breasts are great.
Q: Well than what is it?
A: It’s just… I don’t know. Something ineffable.
Q: Pff! Men! Just because I’m not Gisele Bundchen… I’ll have you know that lesbians find me hot.
A: Oh, I doubt that very much.
Q: What?!
A: Here, let’s test it. Masako? Masako? Come in here for a second.
YAMAMOTO: Yes?
A: Would you do her?
YAMAMOTO: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… no.
Q: …
A: See, you can’t just go around throwing out wild claims like that. “Lesbians find me hot.” Like we wouldn’t check something like that!

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

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Q: I recently purchased a brand-spanking-new MacBook Pro and, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but these puppies run a little hot. I use this thing on my lap a lot and, frankly, I’m a little concerned about my… my…
A: Your area.
Q: My region.
A: Your stuff.
Q: My junk.
A: Your package.
Q: My lunch meat.
A: Your salad box.
Q: My… wait. What?
A: Uh… your crate of comic books?
Q: …
A: Um, your bag of take-out?
Q: Well, that’s… close. I guess. I was more thinking of something like “my stack of media.”
A: Ooh, that’s a good one. Can I use that one?
Q: Can we get back to my problem?
A: Oh, yeah. Just get a Podium Pad or something.
Q: That’ll protect my pork larder?
A: Uh… we are talking about your groin, right?

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Q: I bought a PowerBook for my home business last year and I was looking to upgrade the RAM.
A: That’s a good idea. You can never have too much RAM.
Q: Yeah. So, I thought about taking it in to the Apple Store, but thought, heck, how hard could it be? So I ordered some RAM online and installed it myself.
A: Excellent! You don’t need some dandy with a troll patch putting his manicured fingers all over your PowerBook!
Q: Uh… yeah. Anyway, while I was in there I noticed that there was a whole bunch of dust bunnies and crumbs and bacon bits and crap. So, I bought some compressed air and I blew it all out…
A: Of course you did!
Q: Uh… yeah!
A: Like men do!
Q: It was just a little compressed air…
A: Which you blew in a most manly fashion!
Q: Well, I’m a guy. I’m not sure I can blow compressed air any other way.
A: Ah-ha-ha! Men!
Q: Uh… yeah. Uh… what?
A: Men!
Q: I don’t really know what’s going on anymore.

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Q: I’m an avid scrapbooker and I’ve been looking for applications and peripherals for the Mac that will support my scrapbooking hobby.
A: Oh, I’ve heard of that. You print out pictures and you put them together in a book with borders and keepsakes and stuff.
Q: Yes. Only I specifically scrapbook all the stupid things people around me do.
A: Uh… you…
Q: So, for example, my husband was putting dishes into the dishwasher the other day and he was putting the forks in with the tines up so you’d, like, stab yourself when you went to get them out. I mean, what is he, an idiot?
A: Well…
Q: So, I took a couple of pictures of him and then printed them on my Epson printer and cut them out and put them in some cut-out construction paper in a scrapbook.
A: You… create angry scrapbooks.
Q: Yeah. So, anyway, what I really want is to be able to create my own papers. Like, backgrounds, patterns and stuff.
A: Uh, you know, I gotta say… I don’t think you should be questioning your peripherals. I think you should be questioning why you’re angry scrapbooking.
Q: Oh, you are making me so mad. I am so going to scrapbook the hell out of this.
A: What… what are you doing?
Q: I’m taking your picture. I think with your stupid skin tone a spring color would make a good background. Maybe a green or a yellow.
A: Uh, you don’t find this a strange juxtaposition?
Q: No. Stupid… stupid.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today, more bitching and moaning about Apple!

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Q: Man, Apple is so lame! They don’t use open standards! I want my documents, photos and spreadsheets to be useable on any platform ten years form now. I mean, who knows how long Apple’s going to be around or how long I’m going to want to hitch myself to Steve Jobs’ whims?
A: Oh. So, you must use Linux and open-source applications.
Q: What? No. Have you seen that crap? It’s practically unusable. Fricking tabs and buttons all over the place.
A: Uh, well, please tell me you don’t use Windows.
Q: No, no, no. No, I use a moleskine for my word processing, I get my pictures printed at this hour photo place – they do good work – and I have a big… green… ledger.
A: Uhhh… huh.
Q: Oh, yeah, laugh now, but you’ll be laughing out the other side of your mouth when Apple says you’ve gotta bark like a dog to get your data!
A: …
Q: …
A: Woof! Woof! Woof-woof!
Q: Oh, shut up.

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Q: I’ve really had it with Apple. I just bought a Power Mac and I’m terribly disappointed. I expected more from a company with a reputation for quality products.
A: Well, it’s all relative, I guess. Apple does have a higher customer satisfaction rating than any other computer company.
Q: That may be, but they’ve totally lost mine. I mean, this keyboard is horrible! You practically have to pound the keys and then they stick.
A: Oh. That doesn’t sound good.
Q: It’s not! And don’t even get me started on this hockey puck mouse!
A: Hockey puck mouse? What did you just buy?
Q: A G4 400. Sawtooth? Yikes? One of those. Got it off eBay.
A: … And you’re complaining about Apple’s quality control.
Q: Well… yeah. They did make it.
A: I see. You know, I hear those Mac Portables were pieces of crap, too.
Q: Really? Man, what is wrong with them?!

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Q: Apple has just completely pissed me off.
A: Oh? Well, what is it this time? iPod battery not working anymore? MacBook Pro not cooking your grilled cheese sandwiches to perfection anymore? Phil Schiller not returning your personal phone calls?
Q: No. No. Nooooo.
A: OK, then what is it?
Q: Um… is it still a grilled cheese if it has tomato in it?
A: Yes.
Q: Oh. Then never mind.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today, Crazy Apple Help Desk helps Apple executives with their problems!

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APPLE CEO STEVE JOBS: It’s Steve. Let’s do this thing.
A: Steve. Steve. Steve.
JOBS: Look, I don’t even know why I’m calling you. There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m sure there’s something wrong with you, but there’s nothing wrong with me.
A: Steve, Steve, Steve. “Nothing wrong” with you? Nothing?
JOBS: Well… maybe… maybe one thing.
A: Mmm-hmm. Let it out.
JOBS: It’s just… it seems that, I’ve had people tell me that… I… I…
A: C’mon, Steve. You can do it. Open up.
JOBS: I might be addicted to firing people.
A: There. There! You said it! You took the first step on a journey of recovery. Was that so hard?
JOBS: [sigh] Whew! Feels good. Feels… powerful. Although, everything I do feels powerful.
A: Uh, yes. But the next step is to begin a 12-step program toward recovery. You’ll never be fully over it. You’ll always be a firer. But through the program you’ll learn to say “No. Today I will not fire anyone. Today I choose not to fire anyone.”
JOBS: Hmm. Well, you know what? I don’t really want to do that.
A: Um, well, Steve…
JOBS: That’s my thing. That’s what I do. It’s a great motivational tool.
A: Steve. Steve. It’s tearing you apart and everyone you love!
JOBS: … No it isn’t.
A: Oh. Uh… well then. Carry on.
JOBS: Wait… how did you get on my schedule for today?
A: I’d rather not say.

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CHIEF FINANCIAL OFFICER PETER OPPENHEIMER: I have a problem I hope you can help me with.
A: Well, that’s what we’re here for.
OPPENHEIMER: It’s embarrassing…
A: No, no. We all need help from time to time. What’s your problem?
OPPENHEIMER: I… I love too much.
A: Love too much?
OPPENHEIMER: Love too much.
A: Love too much.
OPPENHEIMER: Mmm. Too much. Too much love. I do it too much. I overdo it on the love.
A: Too much. You love too much.
OPPENHEIMER: Mmm. I do. I mean… who knew that not everyone likes long hugs?
A: Long hugs? That’s how you love too much?
OPPENHEIMER: Mmm-hmm.
A: Well… how long do you hug people?
OPPENHEIMER: Well, I… I don’t know. Twenty, thirty minutes.
A: Twenty or thirty minutes?
OPPENHEIMER: Is that… is that too long?
A: Pff! No! You go right back out there and keep hugging people for… twenty or thirty minutes! There’s nothing wrong with that!
OPPENHEIMER: Well, that’s what I thought!
A: You’re not the one with the problem. They’re the ones with the problem.
OPPENHEIMER: You know, it’s nice to hear that from someone else! Give me a hug!
A: Oh… uh… no, um… I don’t… uh… well… um… you’ve got me now…
OPPENHEIMER: See, isn’t this nice?
A: Uh… did you… happen to see what time it was when you started hugging me… ’cause… I’ve got a dentist appointment…
OPPENHEIMER: Shh…

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CHIEF OPERATING OFFICER TIM COOK: Uh, yeah, I hate to tell you this, but that wasn’t Peter Oppenheimer.
A: What?
COOK: Yeah, apparently there’s been someone going around impersonating Peter.
A: Uh, so any idea who he is?
COOK: Just some big sweaty lunk who likes to hug people.
A: Wow. But wait a minute. Then why did he kept whispering monthly iPod inventory levels in my ear?
COOK: Oh. Huh. Well, maybe it was Peter…

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

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Q: I don’t really have a question, but I wanted to point out this great list of OS 9 rememberances.
A: OS 9 rememberances?
Q: You know, like rebuilding the desktop?
A: Ah, it’s a magical trip down memory lane!
Q: Speaking of memory, what about setting memory allocations for each application?
A: Good times! Or living in the constant fear that you’ll lock up and the app will take the whole system down with it?
Q: Mmm! Yes! Using OS 9 was quite bracing, wasn’t it? Like riding the old wooden roller coaster at a no-name theme park! But my favorite was the deep, unspoken fear that a Windows 95 just might actually be better.
A: Oh, my god, I thought it was just me! And how about how it felt exactly like undressing in the high school locker room and having everyone laugh at you each time you had tell someone you were a Mac user!?
Q: Right! Wait… what?
A: Uh… well… I heard some… other guys felt that way. I never had that happen to me… in high school…

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Q: I read this week on your site that Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen is gone and I was thinking it’d be a good time to initiate my lawsuit against Apple.
A: Ah! Strike them while they’re weakest.
Q: Exactly. The only problem is, I can’t decide on what to sue them for.
A: Well, I’m sure there are so many things… so many ways they’ve wronged you.
Q: Oh, there are. Right now I’m considering “Mighty Mouse infestation” or “MacBook Pro-induced crotch burn.” If neither of those fly, I’ve got basic “Mac addiction” as my backup.
A: Those are all good, but might I suggest “Apple Cinema Display envy”?
Q: I actually have an Apple Cinema Display, though.
A: Oh. What about “Titanium poisoning”?
Q: Darn the luck, I’m an iBook guy. “Trackpad finger chafing”?
A: Well, the last guy who tried suing for that had his case tossed out of court after he was shown to be a chronic masturbator.
Q: Oh. Huh. Well… how did they define “chronic”?
A: Uh… why don’t you just go with “Mac addiction”? I mean… defining “chronic masturbation” is probably not territory you want to get into on the stand.
Q: Phew! Not again! Not after my divorce hearing.
A: Over sharing, dude.

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Q: Hey, I need a little help. I came into the new Apple Store in New York and…
A: Oh, my god! How is it?!
Q: It’s great. It’s big and, well, you see, it’s just that… well… that… I’m lost.
A: Oh. You got lost in the Apple Store?
Q: Uh… yeah. I took a wrong turn around the theater and ended up in this hall of mirrors. I got kind of turned around I think. It was kind of disorienting. But I broke open one of the mirrors… I’m not sure if I was supposed to do that… but there was this tube so I jumped into it. It dumped me out in this gigantic room where there were stairs coming out of the walls and the ceiling and people were walking up and down them upside down. I tried yelling to them but they just turned and waved. That was kind of freaky. I managed to make it out of there by ducking into this wardrobe, though, but that just led to a sylvan glen full of fauns and centaurs and, jeez, do you know how much fauns and centaurs smell?
A: Uh, no.
Q: Oh, my god. I’m like, “What did you roll in?” And they’re like, “What do you mean?” It was really awkward. Anyway, there was this rabbit hole, so I crawled into that and…
A: Wait, wait, wait. Where are you now?
Q: I’m not completely sure but I think I’m just coming out of a black hole somewhere on the far edge of the universe.
A: Damn. You get good cell reception.
Q: I can see quasars.
A: Uh… I think this is a little beyond me. Let me get the Entity.
Q: That’d probably be good. And could you hurry? I’ve gotta pee like a racehorse.