Category: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today we take a look at what happens when the Help Desk doesn’t get any calls.

It’s not pretty.

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A: No, look, I’m just saying that at times the Hulk has had god-like strength, so if Superman fought him during one of those times, I think the Hulk would win.
MACGRUDER: No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. NO. Superman is just as strong as the Hulk, plus he’s smarter and has heat vision and shit. It’s not even a contest.
A: Well, we’re just going to have to agree to disagree on this.
MACGRUDER: Whatever. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.
A: Oh, stop it. OK, let’s move on to the next question. ‘Jessica Alba or Scarlett Johannson – who would you rather do?’
MACGRUDER: What?! Oh, man! When did the GREs get so hard?!
A: …
MACGRUDER: What?
A: This isn’t the GRE. This is a quiz in Maxim.
MACGRUDER: Oh. Are you sure? There was that one that involved numbers.
A: That was about how many nipple slips Halle Berry had last year. And you answered that way too fast.
MACGRUDER: I… can have a hobby.

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THOR: So then Schiller said to Tim Cook, you take either one, but the sexbot stays with me!
A: Ha-ha! Oh, man, that is classic!
THOR: I know!
UGLUK: Me no get it.
A: Ha-ha! What?
THOR: Oh. Well… you understand the “wing man” concept, don’t you?
UGLUK: Yes, but Schiller say ugly one have wide, child-bearing hips. Why he no want one with wide, child-bearing hips?
A: Uh…
THOR: Well, Ugluk, I think they were mostly just kidding around. We weren’t really going to go home with any of them.
UGLUK: Ugluk perhaps not find your fornication humor amusing. Procreation taken very seriously in my clan. Where – I have you know – wide, child-bearing hips seen as very attractive. Ugluk’s mother, for example, have wide, child-bearing hips.
A: Oh. Jeez.
THOR: I’m terribly sorry. That was very culturally insensitive of us.
A: Yes. I’m sorry.
UGLUK: …
THOR: …
A: …
UGLUK: Ha-ha! No, Ugluk just messing with you! Ha-ha!
THOR: What?
UGLUK: Ugluk like pretty women with large breasts just like next guy!
A: Oh! Ha-ha!
THOR: Ah! Good one!
UGLUK: You should have seen expression on face!
THOR: Ha-ha! Ah!
A: Ha-ha! Ahhh… Wait. Is liking wide, child-bearing hips the same as liking a big can? Because…
UGLUK: Dude…
THOR: Dude…
A: Well… I just want a ruling there.

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HOWARD: Still no calls?
A: No. But, to tell the truth, I figured out around lunchtime that the phone wasn’t plugged in. I just left it that way. It’s just that I was getting so much done.
HOWARD: But… you’re playing Call of Duty.
A: Yes. Yes, I am. Ask me how many Panzers I’ve take out.
HOWARD: Mmm, no. I live in fear that information like that is going to one day push something important out of my brain. Like how to breathe. Then I’m going to be flopping around on the floor trying to remember how to get oxygen into my lungs when all I can think of is the number of Panzers you took out. I just came in here to let you know that we’re going to that new Irish bar to get a head start on Cinco de Mayo. It’s going to be a whole evening of multi-ethnic public drunkenness. The Entity already teleported over to grab a table. You coming?
A: Well… no. I’m just so swamped.
HOWARD: With… defending the Ardennes?
A: Well, yeah. It’s not like the non-player characters are going to do it. I mean… look at this guy. He just keeps getting hit by this German dude and falling down and getting back up again. Over and over and over. I don’t know how the Allies won with guys like this.
HOWARD: C’mon. I’ll buy you a two-olive martini with Quintessential.
A: Well… OK. I’ll just leave the game up on the outside chance they actually do hold the Ardennes without me.
HOWARD: OK. Sounds good.
A: But I bet I’m going to come back on Monday and that guy’s still going to be getting hit and falling down over and over. I just don’t get that.
HOWARD: There’s a good chance you’re over-thinking this.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

It’s month-end and daddy’s gotta pay the bills! Today’s edition of the Help Desk is the all-product placement dance mix!

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Q: I have an iMac that I use as kind of a media hub for my photos and music and video. A lot of the files are the only copies I have, so I’m really concerned about backup. What do you suggest?
A: I suggest the biggest, most expensive hard drive from the fine folks at LaCie that you can possibly afford by taking out a second mortgage on your home. LaCie: manufacturers of quality backup storage drives.
Q: Oh. Wow. That seems… like overkill. I mean… I have a G3 iMac with a CD burner an about a hundred iPhoto pictures and maybe 500 songs and… well… really no video at all yet. I just… is that really necessary?
A: Uh… no. No. I guess not. If you want, you could just get an iPod shuffle and a very expensive DVD burner from our glorious technological overlords at LaCie.
Q: Uhhh… You’re pretty much going to suggest a solution involving LaCie no matter what I say, aren’t you.
A: What? No! That’s… absurd.
Q: I have moles in my underwear drawer.
A: LaCie makes a fabulous mole trap that fits right in your unmentionables drawer!
Q: What?! No they don’t!
A: Well… no. But they could. They’re very smart.
Q: Oh, stop it.

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Q: I have a LaCie Firewire drive and I’m having a problem with using it with iDVD. I’m trying to burn a… hey… wait a minute… You just put a link to a LaCie product page… Hey! You did it again!
A: Well, there’s nothing wrong with providing a helpful link to fabulous products from LaCie in case our readers want to make a purchase. Of some… you know… LaCie products.
Q: You’re just a link whore! A dirty, dirty link whore!
A: Oh, come on. If it’s so wrong, why does it feel so right?
Q: Because you’re getting a kickback?
A: Oh, yeah! That’s it!
Q: Pff!

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Q: Oh, jeez, you know what, I was going to ask a question, but I’m kinda tired and since I know you’re just going to turn it into an excuse to link to… them… just go ahead and do it.
A: No! No! You’re ruining it for me! You need to say it!
Q: [sigh] OK. … LaCie.
A: Yeah, baby!
Q: Ack, god, I feel so cheap!
A: Oh, that totally wears off after a few sweet, sweet kickback checks!

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

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Q: I was reading about how Apple already has the sophisticated, higher income alpha-geek market locked up, but the company needs to bridge the gap with the Joe sixpack consumers.
A: That’s true. Apple has a premium brand and is still looked at as a higher cost or “luxury” computer if you will.
Q: Yeah. Yeah. Well, look, I know you’re in regular contact with Apple executives…
A: Of course.
Q: …and I’ve got an absolutely killer idea for how to reach these consumers.
A: Lay it on me, man.
Q: OK… picture this… instead of those white Apple logo stickers they give out with Macs, they put in window stickers of Calvin peeing on the Windows logo.
A: …
Q: Just like those stickers of Calvin peeing on the Ford logo!
A: …
Q: Well?! What do you think?!
A: Calvin.
Q: Yeah!
A: Calvin & Hobbes‘ Calvin.
Q: Right!
A: So, Apple would put a sticker that violates a copyright in with every Mac.
Q: Yeah! What?
A: You know… if you throw out the copyright issue… [sigh]… I wish I could say categorically that people wouldn’t respond to that…
Q: But you can’t! You can’t, baby!
A: Please don’t make me sigh again.

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Q: I have a 900 MHz iBook G3 that has suddenly gone out on me. The machine boots, but the video gets flakey after a few minutes and then the whole thing locks up. It’s not covered by AppleCare and as it’s only worth about $500, I’m not sure if there’s much point of going to the expense of getting it repaired. What should i do with it?
A: Before you give up on your repair options, you should check the iBook Logic Board Repair Program. It’s possible your problem is covered under that.
Q: Oh. OK. What machines are covered?
A: Is your machine white?
Q: Uh, yes.
A: Is it roughly rectangular?
Q: Yessssss…
A: OK. You’ve passed the easy part. Now, check the serial number. Is it in the range UV117XXXXXX to UV342XXXXXX?
Q: Wait. Wait. Uh… pull the battery… Yes! Yes! So, it’s eligible?!
A: You have passed but three of the tests. Now, put your iBook up on its edge, spin it around and let it fall. Does it fall logo side up?
Q: What? Uh… well, here… yes. Yes!
A: Just 15 more tests to go.
Q: What?! 15?!
A: Scratch the battery a little with your fingernail. Does it smell like sweaty gym socks?
Q: 15 more tests?!
A: Well… yes. And then there are the feats of strength. Have you ever wrestled a boar in the semi-nude?
Q: The boar or me?
A: Um… you. The boar would be wearing a leotard.
Q: No! Oh, forget it. I’m just going to buy a new one.
A: Hmph. Oh, that’s great! What am I going to tell the boar?
Q: Well… OK, I’ll wrestle the boar. But that’s it!

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Q: I recently downloaded Boot Camp and have been trying to install Windows XP on my Mac, but it doesn’t seem to be working.
A: What kind of Mac is it.
Q: It’s an iMac.
A: Is it an Intel-based iMac?
Q: Pff! What?! Well, of course! You think I’d try to install XP on a 68040?!
A: 68040? Um… you do know that the PowerPC isn’t an Intel-based processor, right?
Q: …
A: …
Q: Um… I know that.
A: Oh. OK.
Q: Now.
A: Ah.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site is thrilled to announce that – in honor of Apple’s 30th Anniversary tomorrow – all of today’s questions will be answered by none other than Apple CEO Steve Jobs! It’s quite a feather in our caps and we’ve spared no expense to bring you the full experience what what Steve sounds like answering help desk questions in text format.

So, take it away, Steve!

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Q: Steve, I’m a lesbian with a tremendous rack and I also happen to be a Mac mini owner. My question is, when I’m lathering up my partner – who also has a tremendous rack – in the shower and I want to switch iTunes on my Mac mini from playing Iron Butterfly’s “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” to Barry White’s “I’m Gonna Love You Just A Little More Baby”, is it safe to use the Apple Remote in the shower?
STEVE JOBS: …
A: Steve? Steve? Um…
STEVE JOBS: …
A: Oh, dear, I think we’ve lost Steve already.
Q: Oh, whatever will I do?!
A: Steve may not be able to help you, but please stay on the line. For the love of god, whatever you do please stay on the line.

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A: Steve? Are you back?
STEVE JOBS: I’m sorry. I fell out of my chair.
A: That’s entirely understandable. I’m terribly sorry. That was a tough first question. We’ll try to make this one a softball!
STEVE JOBS: Thanks! That’d be great. I usually have a staff of people who do this kind of thing for me. I’m not even sure why I agreed to this.
A: Probably because we’re holding hostages.
STEVE JOBS: Oh, that’s right. I was having so much fun I forgot.
A: Let’s move on to our second question quickly before the police show up!
Q: Steve, I’m a long-time Mac user who likes fine ladies with big butts. I have a G4 PowerBook I bought last year and my question to you is… do you like a big can?
STEVE JOBS: A…
Q: A big can. A whole lotta bootie. You know… has your baby got back?
STEVE JOBS: I thought you said this was going to be a softball question.
A: What do you mean? I don’t think they get any easier than that.
STEVE JOBS: I’m… I’m just not comfortable answering these kinds of questions.
A: Ooh, I see! I think that’s answering without answering.
STEVE JOBS: What?
Q: Oh, yeah! I hear ya loud and clear, Steve!
STEVE JOBS: I didn’t say anything!
A: I’ll just make a note that says “Yes, Steve likes a big can.”
STEVE JOBS: No! No! No note!

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A: OK, Steve, last question and, you know, I think this has been a little hard on you so I’m going to make this one really easy.
A: Uh… sure. Whatever.
Q: Steve, you’ve long been known as a “mercurial” executive with a penchant for firing people at the least provocation. Don’t you think having such a short fuse makes your positions as CEO of Apple and the largest shareholder of Disney untenable in the long run?
STEVE JOBS: That’s it! This Q & A is over!
A: Steve?! Steve?!
Q: Uh…
A: Hmm. Well, Steve seems to have stormed off.
Q: Wow.
A: Yeah. I thought for sure we’d get him at “big cans.”
Q: Me too.