Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: Do you have any last-minute gift suggestions for the Mac-using members of my family? I’m having trouble thinking of what to get my brother.

A: A sweater.

Q: A sweater?

A: Yeah. Everybody needs a sweater.

Q: Um, yeah, well I was really thinking of something more Mac-related. You are an Apple-related help desk after all.

A: Maybe it could have an Apple logo on it.

Q: That’s not really doing it for me.

A: Oh, fine, princess. I see what your game is. Don’t get him something he wants, get him something that you want.

Q: I want what’s best for him and what’s best for him is to be able to enjoy a superior user experience. See, he’s… he’s… [sigh]… a Linux user.

A: OK, but, see, he’s not going to use OS X so what’s the point? Even if you buy him an 8-core Mac Pro, he’s going to junk it up by putting fricking Ubuntu or some shit on it.

Q: Don’t you think I know that?! Well, it doesn’t matter. I can’t afford to get him an 8-core Mac Pro anyway.

A: No, and Linux people don’t want that shit. Shit that’s all cool and shiny and shit. He wants a “challenge”. Give him a toaster and tell him it runs Windows Mobile. He’ll spend the rest of the year trying to install Debian on it.

Q: Hey, it’s the gift that keeps on giving! To me!

A: Which is what you wanted in the first place!

Q: Yay!

Q: Hey, I don’t have a question, but I just wanted tell you to have a merry Christmas.

A: Oh, well, thanks.

Q: A very merry Christmas.

A: That’s nice.

Q: Yeah. Let the yule be gay!

A: Are you… hitting on me?

Q: From OS X on, your restarts have been miles away!

A: Oh, no, no, no! No way. You’re not doing some fucking Apple-themed Christmas carol on my site!

Q: So, have yourself a Cupertino Christmas…

A: Really, I’d much rather you were hitting on me.

Q: Startup sounds ring! Are you list-ening!

A: I swear to god, I will beat you to death with Michael Spindler and whip your dead body with the cord of a hockey puck mouse.

Q: OK, I’m done.

Q: Hey, did you see this bullshit?

A: I did! What the hell? Who does that jackass think he is?

Q: I have no idea. You should read John Welch’s take. He rightly really ripped that Rixstep guy a new one.

A: I did read that and… Hey, wait a minute! You’re not a caller. You’re just me! This is just exposition!

Q: Ah, but isn’t that what Christmas is about? Exposition?

A: What?! No!

Q: Oh. Huh. Are you sure? There’s an awful lot of exposition in those holiday specials.

A: Fairly certain.

Q: OK, then maybe it’s just about making jackasses see the error in their ways. Like the Grinch.

A: Yeah! And Scrooge!

Q: And the magician in Frosty!

A: And that snow beast in Rudolph!

Q: And, uh, Jesus!

A: Um…

Q: OK, maybe less so that one.

A: What do you mean “less so”?! And why are we still talking?!

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I’m trying to create an AppleScript to upload my photos to Flickr from iPhoto and I’m having a really hard time.

A: Oh, you need to use Automator.

Q: Automator?

A: Automator!

Q: Automator?

A: There’s a way to control it!
It’s totally Au-to-ma-tor!
Whatever you can record
You can do it blindfolded
Completely automatic!
All of your systems get down!
Down down down

Q: Um…


Q: So, how do I…

A: What is this madness
That makes my Mac run
And my legs too weak to stand?
I go from sadness
To ex-hil-a-ration
I got Automator at my command!

Q: You know, I’d hang up and call someone else, but your singing voice is so much better than Chris Breen’s.

A: My hands perspire and shake like a leaf!

Q: [sigh]

Q: Hey, do you know anyone at Apple legal?

A: Oh, yeah. We know lots of people. Well… a few people. Well, one.

Q: Because apparently there’s this dude who wrote a book about sexbots in the future and he doesn’t even credit Apple for the idea!

A: I forget her name. She was really nice on the phone.

Q: I mean, Apple invented the idea of sex with robots, right?!

A: The funny thing was, I had a PowerBook in for repair at the time and when I saw the caller ID said “Apple” I picked up immediately because I just assumed it was about my PowerBook.

Q: They totally did! He stole their idea!

A: All she wanted me to do was remove the Apple copyrighted image that I had superimposed a naked lady on from the site.

Q: Apple needs to sue this guy into the stone age!

A: And you know what? I folded like a old card table. I did! I mean, I was talking to someone who probably had lunch with Nancy Heinen. Nancy Heinen! Can you imagine?! What do you think Nancy ordered?

Q: So do you have her number?

A: Nancy Heinen’s number?! I wish!

Q: Are we talking about the same thing?

A: Mmm… Nancy.

Q: I just downloaded the QuickTIme update and I have to say I am not impressed.

A: Oh? What’s wrong?

Q: Well, before I updated I watched that trailer for Speed Racer and I watched it again after I updated. And guess what?

A: It still looked like the work of the bastard child of Hunter S. Thompson and Hello Kitty?

Q: Exactly.

A: Well, it’s really just a security update. So it’s not going to fix that.

Q: Oh. Well, maybe I’ll just go try to sleep it off.

A: You do that.

Q: Kind of a bad trip.

A: Well… good night.

Q: Hey, do you know where I can score some mescaline?

A: [click]

Q: Hello? Helloooo?

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today: Spaces!

Q: AAAAGH! AAAAAGH! My… my windows! They’re gone! My windows are gone!

A: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax. Are you using Leopard?

Q: Yes!

A: OK. It’s just Spaces. Every once in a while it goes goofy and doesn’t show you the windows. It’s very easy to fix.

Q: Oh. OK. What do I need to do?

A: Well, you need to appease Spaces.

Q: Uh… what?

A: Well, you’ve clearly angered it. So you must make an offering.

Q: An offering?

A: Yes.

Q: What kind of offering?

A: An offering… of human blood.

Q: Uh… what? Isn’t there just a key combination?

A: No! Spaces is an angry god! It will only accept human blood!

Q: That doesn’t seem right. I mean, Dashboard I could see, but Spaces?

A: I assure you, it is. Now, you’ll need a lot of blood, so I suggest opening up a major vein. Get yourself a sharp knife and…

Q: Oh! Wait! They’re back! I just hit C while holding the F8 key down!

A: Really? Well, I like my way better. That’s the way a man gets his windows back.

Q: Hey, I’m trying to use Spaces, too, and something is really borked up.

A: How borked? Robert Bork borked up or just Swedish Chef sort of borked?

Q: Um, well I guess just kind of Swedish Chef level borked.

A: OK. Then is it angry chickens kind of Swedish Chef sort of borked or just singing vegetables type of “code Swedish Chef” borked.

Q: Uh, I’d say angry chickens kind of Swedish Chef borked and with the chef’s hat on fire.

A: I see. That’s just one step below Robert Bork level borkitude.

Q: If you say so.

A: Hmm. If I had to ask you if it was Jim Nabors guest hosting or Elke Sommer guest hosting kind of angry chickens Swedish chef with the hat on fire level borked…

Q: I have no idea what the hell we’re even talking about any more but I’m going to say Elke Sommer for obvious reasons.

A: She was hot.

Q: Totally.

A: Well… thanks for calling!

Q: OK, bye.

Q: Hey, we didn’t even get to my question!

A: Oh. Right. It was about the Dock, right?

Q: No! It was about Spaces!

A: OK. OK. Look, when something like this happens, it’s important to stay calm. People have a tendency to panic when something goes wrong and when you panic you can make a bad situation worse. Understand?

Q: Yeah. Sure. OK.

A: So, think. Think. Why would Spaces be mad at you?

Q: I don’t know! I mean, we had argued a little, but I never thought it was that serious.

A: What did you argue over?

Q: Money, mostly.

A: Mmm-hmm.

Q: Spaces felt it wasn’t getting a big enough cut of the web development work I was doing on my Mac. It was always saying shit like “You’d never be able to get this work done if I didn’t keep your windows organized for you!” And that would make me mad, of course, and I’d be like “Bitch, you don’t do nothin’ around here except stuff windows in your fat ass! Don’t make me crawl into that screen and smack a bitch!”

A: That’s not how loving couples talk to each other.

Q: I know. I know. I just…

A: Let’s focus on your feelings. How did Spaces’ words make you feel?

Q: Stressed, I guess. Money, money, money. Spaces always wanted more money. And, as the provider…

A: Did you feel trapped?

Q: Yes. Yes! Trapped.

A: Mmm. Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have today.

Q: Oh. I but I feel like we’re close to something.

A: We’ll pick it up here next week.

Q: Oh, who are you kidding? You don’t even do the Help Desk half the time.

A: This is not about me, Ronald.

Q: Pff.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I just bought Call of Duty and I’m trying to play it on my iMac with Leopard running and the frame rate is terrible! It’s practically unplayable. It’s like .5 frames a second!

A: Oh? What are the specs on your iMac?

Q: 2.4 GHz with 2 GB of RAM.

A: That should be plenty. What are your settings in the graphics options?

Q: Uh, hang on a second. I’ll just fire up Screen Sharing on my MacBook and launch Call of Duty on the iMac…

A: Uh, that’s OK, because I think I found your problem.

Q: I was thinking about whether I should buy an iPhone, because I’m concerned about the limited set of software available for it, and…

A: You know there’s a software toolkit coming out for developers, right?

Q: That has to do with my question. So I saw this Greg Jozwiak guy talking about the SDK and security, and he made me feel so… safe.

A: I know where this is going.

Q: He seems like a nice guy. Is he seeing someone?

A: He’s married. Yep, he’s married to the woman with glasses that appears in all the Tiger iChat AV video conference screens. And they have three children: Clarus, Luxo and, um, Open… Doc. And, um, they’re very happy.

Q: No he isn’t!

A: How do you know if he’s happy?!

Q: No, I mean he’s not married to her with kids with those names.

A: Yes he is.

Q: But…

A: You really need to drop this.

Q: …I could make him truly happy.

A: I don’t think he’s into men.

Q: I’m a woman!

A: Oh. Well, that’s awkward. Are you sure?

Q: Why are you trying to deny Greg Joswiak and me true happiness?!

A: I’m not. I’m sure you two will be really happy together. You’ll get married and live on a farm in Vermont and have a couple of kids and a dog. Maybe raise some chickens. You’ll grow old together and bask in the glow of your love long into the twilight of your years.

Q: Yes!

A: Well, that would have all happened, except that Joz just called and he said to tell you he wants to see other people.


A: Like his wife.

Q: [sob] We’ll always have Vermont, Joz!

A: Oh, my god…

Q: I’ve just upgraded to Leopard and I’m totally pissed. iChat just doesn’t work.

A: Uh, well, I need a little more information. Can it not establish a video connection? Are you having trouble replying to text chats?

Q: I don’t know. It’s just busted. I’m logged into AIM, but none of my buddies show up in the Buddy List.

A: Ah! You probably accidentally blocked your buddies. Make sure your privacy level in the Accounts preference is set to “Allow anyone.”

Q: I checked that, and “Allow anyone” is selected.

A: And, uh, you previously had buddies before?

Q: Yes, five of my friends.

A: Did they all upgrade to Leopard, too?

Q: Yes.

A: Did they by chance disappear one by one over a period of the first few days you had Leopard installed?

Q: Yes! You’ve seen this bug too!

A: Um, no. They’ve all just set their statuses to Invisible so you can’t see that they’re online.

Q: Oh. Well that sucks. Hey, want to see a video of me going down some crazy roller coaster in the background?

A: Crazy Apple Rumors has gone offline.

Q: Oh, very funny.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: Hey! Did you see that QuickTime update the other day?!

A: Well, sure.

Q: They patched like 44 vulnerabilities! What the hell is that?!

A: Uh, you’d rather they didn’t patch flaws?

Q: No! I’d rather they didn’t make mistakes!

A: Well, mistakes are inevitable. And you pay attention to what’s critical. Apple just hasn’t been hit by any attacks and they probably thought that might change with the Mac’s market share moving up…

Q: You know, I know there are words coming out of your mouth but all I hear is “Blah, blah, blah.” It is unacceptable for Apple to make a mistake! Ever!

A: Oh. So, you had a machine that was exploited because of one of these flaws?

Q: No! What… why do you keep talking and asking me questions?!

A: I’m just trying to figure out why you seem so angry over a bug fix.

Q: Because Apple’s shipping shit and forcing us to eat it!

A: Did you have some kind of data loss or…

Q: NO! Man, why are you trying to kill my indignation buzz?!

A: I’m kind of obnoxious that way.

Q: Dude.

A: Uh, yeah?

Q: Dude. I’m going to do it.

A: Do what?

Q: I’m going to open… my iPod touch.

A: What?! No! People like you are why we can’t have nice things!

Q: What are you talking about? We have nice things. Like the iPod touch.

A: No, no, no! We’d have other even nicer things if Steve didn’t have to cry himself to sleep every night because he knew some jackass somewhere was taking apart his beautiful hardware!

Q: Like what things?

A: Like the tablet! And the teeny weeny laptop! And sexbots! And the Hasselbecker Manifold!

Q: The what?!

A: Uh, whoops. I’ve said too much.

Q: “The Hasselbecker Manifold”?

A: Um, please stay at your house. Someone will be out momentarily.

Q: Huh?

A: If you could just sit with your back to the door…

Q: Uh… are you going to rub me out?

A: What?! No! No, no, no. No.

Q: OK.

A: Well, actually, yes. See, you’re just not supposed to know about the Hasselbecker Manifold. There are certain rumors that even rumor sites aren’t supposed to talk about. And the Hasselbecker Manifold is definitely one of those.

Q: I swear I won’t tell anyone.

A: Ha-ha! That’s funny because that’s the same thing the guy who found out about the iPhone said! And then that whole thing got blown about a year ago.

Q: What happened to him?

A: Um… you don’t like hot dogs, do you?

Q: Not… anymore.

Q: Maybe you can help me out. I’m wondering if there are any good pickup lines for Mac geeks. A friend of mine works in construction and he’s always got these awesome pickup lines for women.

A: Like what?

Q: Like “Do you work in a lumber yard? Because you’re giving me wood!”

A: Uh, yeah, that is… awesome.

Q: Oh, yeah.

A: Well, OK. How about this one: “Are you a disk intensive activity? Because you’re spinning up my hard drive!”

Q: Ooh, not bad!

A: Or, “Are you a gaussian blur on a 50 MB file on a Performa? Because you’re really extending my progress bar!”

Q: Yeah! Or “Are you online porn? Because I’m masturbating to you!”

A: Um…

Q: Too much?

A: A bit.