According to sources within Apple, the company is really trying hard to give a damn that Opera may cease production of its web browser for the Mac because of Apple’s release of Safari. However, sources indicate Apple executives are having severe difficulty coming up with a solid reason why they should.
“Obviously we hate to lose any application for the Mac,” said Apple Senior Vice President for Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller, “But in this case I think I’ll make an exception!
“Ha-ha! No, but really, to the fine folks at Opera who worked, uh, so hard – I guess, I really don’t know – um, good luck! And, uh, thanks for… Well, just thanks.
“How was that? Did it sound sincere? Because I wanted to sound sincere. I’m not, of course, but…”
Senior Vice President for Applications Sina Tamaddon said “I know we’re supposed to care about our developers but, I mean, Opera? I dunno. Let’s just say I haven’t lost any sleep over it. Let’s just say I’m not having trouble eating. Let’s just say I can easily look myself in the mirror in the morning. Let’s just say I’m not having any problems in the bedroom because of this.
“Wait, you’re not going to print that last one, are you? Eh, I guess it’s OK.”
Apple’s belief is that the browser has become such an integral part of the computing experience that it needs to take responsibility for providing a quality browsing experience.
Asked if he was concerned about the potential loss of the skinable browser, Apple CEO Steve Jobs said “Oooh, it’s skinable!? Well, why didn’t someone say so!? You know how much I love skins! Because what would really make my browsing experience perfect is a Deep Space 9 skin that makes the browser look like a Ferengi browser! That’s what I need!
“But, to answer your question… no.”
After revelations by Wired that Saddam Hussein’s son has a Microsoft .NET account in violation of U.S. law, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Satan, also known as Lucifer, the Father of Lies and the Adversary, has a .Mac account.
Apple officials were at a loss to explain how the Wicked One was able to obtain the account, but stressed that they did not expect to take any action to terminate it.
“Unlike what Microsoft has allowed to happen,” Apple CEO Steve Jobs said, “there’s really no law against giving Satan a .Mac account. That’s more of an unwritten law.”
“Plus, uh, not a lot of people were willing to pay for .Mac, so we’ve kind of been taking what we can get.”
“I like to use it to post my pictures,” the Prince of Darkness said, pulling up his home page on his PowerBook. “See, here’s me during the Black Plague. Here’s me during the Spanish Inquisition. Here’s me in the Killing Fields in Cambodia. Here’s me at the Microsoft verdict.”
“Good times. Good times.”
Through means unknown to mortal men, Satan was able to obtain a PowerBook running at 666 MHz.
“For a while they were selling them running at 667 MHz, but I really wanted one running at exactly 666 MHz. I’m kind of particular that way.”
“And, what do you know, a few lies, a few enticements, and voila! The PowerBook of the Devil. The only problem is I have to make it last until they reach 666 GHz. Oh, well. Sucks to be me!”
Satan also indicated he uses .Mac to back up his evil data.
“Hell is an all-Windows shop and my IT minions won’t let me connect my PowerBook to the network,” the Son of Perdition explained. “I ought to just rip them into tiny pieces. Who are they to tell me what to do?”
“But, since I can’t get my machine backed up down here, Apple’s Backup application allows me to make sure my evil data is recoverable. I also use iCal to track when I have to claim a soul.”
“Ooh, which reminds me, I’ve gotta get going or I’ll be late to pick up, uh…”
Quickly consulting iCal, Beelzebub said “Steve Lyndhurst of 364 Maple Drive, Omaha, Nebraska.”
“See? This .Mac account is a life saver!”
“Ha! Well, unless you’re Steve Lyndhurst! Am I right?!”