Mac OS 9 Resuscitated By Quick-Thinking Developers

Ted Klapsick didn’t expect to become a hero yesterday, but he did. A developer from Spencer Software, Klapsick is now known as the man who saved OS 9.

Seated in the front row at Steve Jobs’ Worldwide Developers Conference Keynote, Klapsick jumped into action when Jobs dramatically pulled OS 9 from a coffin on stage to signal the operating system’s demise.

“Steve was making this big joke out of it, but there was OS 9, dead, and no one was doing a thing!” Klapsick said. “It was kind of weird, but the OS’s whole life flashed before my eyes. I saw OS 6, MultiFinder, OpenDoc, Themes… I thought, ‘Good times. Good times.'”

“I couldn’t just sit there!”

Jumping on to the stage, Klapsick knocked a startled Steve Jobs out of the way and began trying to resuscitate OS 9. Immediately, Klapsick was joined by David O’Neil of AKA Development, who performed artificial respiration while Klapsick performed CPR.

“I had been using OS 9 not ten minutes before,” O’Neil said, “so I knew it couldn’t have been gone long. When I saw Ted get up there, I had to help out. I mean, crap, my company has an OS 9-only app coming out in three weeks. It damn well better live!”

Klapsick and O’Neil were able to resuscitate the operating system in less than two minutes, leading many at the conference to conclude that Apple representatives had not made any attempt to resuscitate it on their own.

“They just sat there and watched it die,” Klapsick said. “That’s cold, man. That is cold.”

OS 9 is expected to make a full recovery and authorities are refusing to charge Jobs or Apple.

“We are talking about software here, aren’t we?” asked Officer Gail Lamont of the San Jose Police Department. “I’m pretty sure they can do whatever they want with it. Actually, the only people we’d consider charging are the two who jumped up on stage.”

After the incident, an angry Steve Jobs had to be pulled away from OS 9 by Apple staff.

“You’re dead, OS 9!” Jobs screamed, pointing at the operating system. “You hear me? Dead! Extensions – dead! Chooser – dead! Platinum – dead!”

Apple declined to comment officially for this story.