Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I got my iPod about a year ago, and I noticed that it was starting to collect some scratches. So I got on of those iPod cleaners and I was rubbing it on my iPod… slowly massaging it into the surface… gently, yet forcefully… and… well… as will any situation involving ointments… things got out of hand and I just want to know…

A: No, it’s not possible for your iPod to love you back.

Q: Oh. Oh. OK. Ha-ha! It’s just that… the little thing’s so darn cute and… smooth to the touch… oooh…

A: Dude.

Q: Oh. Right. Thanks.

Q: I have a question about yesterday’s story about OS X being taken to Chuck E. Cheese. I’m the concerned mother of an operating system of my own, and I don’t feel that Avie really handled that situation well.

A: Well, some may disagree with Avie’s parenting skills, but sometimes it’s hard when you’re frustrated and surrounded by…

Q: He didn’t use guilt! There was humiliation and derision… but where was the guilt? Guilt is the foundation of any strong parent/child relationship! Verily, it may be the glue that keeps our society together!

A: Uh… so, you’re saying…

Q: Why not something like… “I’m so disappointed in you!” Or “It just breaks my heart to see you behave so badly! Where did I go wrong!?” Sheesh, he’s never going to get anywhere with OS X by just shaming it! I mean, shame’s good and all, but guilt

A: Wait…. Mom? Is that you?

Q: Oh, stop it.

Q: OK, see, now I’m confused…

A: What?

Q: Well, I’ve always thought it was fear of death that was the glue that kept our society together. Not guilt.

A: Oh, she didn’t know what she was talking about. But it’s not fear of death. It’s the mind-numbing powers of pop culture.

Q: Wait, it’s not a perverse sexual tension?

A: No, that plays a role. But, interestingly, many sociologist say it’s our long obsession with voyeurism.

Q: Hmm. I have a friend who says it’s greed.

A: Pah. That totally discounts the large impact of alcohol.

Q: Maybe. But he also points to groupthink, exacerbated by our senseless need for instant gratification.

A: Oh, yeah. I read that book. But I still say it’s rampant nihilism with just a hint of paprika.

Q: Paprika?

A: Yes. Paprika.

Q: Huh. Well… what about hot girl on girl action?

A: Oh. Yes. Well. It may not be the glue that holds society together, but it sure passes the time.

Q: Indeed.