Everything At Apple Held Up By This One Guy

Sources within Apple’s newly-formed operations group under Executive Vice President Tim Cook indicate that all pending products are being held up by this one guy. In what can only be considered a nightmare scenario by Mac users everywhere, dead weight at Apple is holding up numerous sought-after products.

According to sources, the inbox of Bruce Mink, who approves obscure clauses in Apple’s licensing agreements, is backlogged with requests for approval for the following items:

  • 30-inch monitor
  • 3 GHz G5s
  • iPhone
  • Microsoft Office-killing version of AppleWorks
  • Color iPods
  • Microsoft Office-killing Apple Office, based on OpenOffice source code
  • iTeeth, an Apple application for dentist offices that will reportedly rock the dental world to its very core
  • Microsoft Office-killing Mac Office, coded from scratch
  • The G5 Cube

“I’ll get to it when I get to it,” Mink said, unconcerned, before going back to reading the Real Ultimate Power web site.

“Ha-ha!” Mink laughed. “Ninjas!”

Reports from concerned Apple sources said Mink’s manager, General Counsel Nancy Heinen, seems oblivious to the personnel problem within her department.

“Bruce is a great contributor to this team,” Heinen said. “He… um… he…”

Searching her memory for an instance of actual production from Mink, Heinen said “He never makes people wait when we get together to go out for lunch. Lots of other people are late because they check voicemail or whatnot, but Bruce is always ready to go on time.”

After repeated prodding by concerned engineers hoping to see their products released one day, Mink finally quit out of Safari and picked up a licensing agreement for the iPhone. He spent fifteen minutes thumbing through it before his eyelids began to close and his head began to nod.

Stirring suddenly, Mink declared “Oh, man. I need a pop. I’m gonna go get a pop.”

Mink then disappeared for three hours, returning shortly before 5 PM to shut down his computer before leaving for the day.

36 thoughts on “Everything At Apple Held Up By This One Guy”

  1. We all knew this had to be the case. Curse you, Mink!

    We know Apple has to be sitting on the good stuff because too many products have been lanquishing in limbo. Just focusing on the software, where is the new improved AppleWorks or Keynote or Apple’s new Office. The rumors sites have told us for years about products that never show up. I could just cry over the lost opportunities caused by that #$%@# Mink!

    Looking at the hardware side, what about the iBot, Apple’s sexbot project. Isn’t that suppose to be one of the blocked projects?

  2. Thank god he is holding back that OpenOffice thing… I’m not sure if it would be a good idea to base applications on that source.

  3. Ah Pop. I remember pop. Now everyone thinks its ‘soda’. *sigh*

    Oh, and ‘Safar’? We’ll never let you get away with typos, Moltz.


    I USE “real ultimate power” AND DESTROY MINK!

  5. Bruce runs ‘safar’, this can only mean that he is anti lowercase i, which means he’s a Pinko-Commie anti Apple dude as well. *chants* “Down with Bruce!” *breaks into bruces office and begins ransacking*

  6. Will you guys just get off my case! I’ll get to it when I get to it! You’d think there was a big demand for any of these things. Geesh. Most of its a waste of time, anyway. Hell, I spent years poring over the Apple-branded PDA licenses, and then they go off and pull the plug (you know what’s really annoying is no one even seemed to care, they seemed to be complaining about missing a fishing trip, because all they kept saying was something about “missing the boat”).

    Now I’m just sitting back to make sure they’re not wasting my time. Make sure what they’re sticking on my desk is something they’re serious about.

    Hell, I just spent the last 6 months ‘reading’ over the “iTMS for Europe” papers. That’ll look good on my review, I’m sure!

  7. this pop thing is just another in a long line of regional grammatical mis-haps by CARS.

    make me thing this is random rumors generated by off shored indians, with a poor grasp of engrish.

  8. You guys just don’t understand this ‘pop’ thing. Its a code, for goodness sake. Besides soda and parenthood, what’s the first thing most people think of when they hear ‘pop’? “Pop goes the weasel” of course! This is all an underhanded attempt of bruce to leak out information on the new G5 iMacs which, at random intervals, the CD tray pops open, and one of those boxing gloves on a spring (or that folded up wood latice thing, whatever you call that) shoots out and pounds you in the ribs.

    Man, now I can’t wait for WWDC!

  9. I think Bruce probably released the iBot, but then the trademark guys got involved cuz turns out there’s already a product out there called “iBot” and Orange Micro said “uh-uhhhhhhhh” and Bruce’s trademark cronies said “uh yeah” and so on. I’m just guessing. So that project needs a new name…. I’m sure you’ll come up with something. Talk amongst yourselves.

  10. That’s it Bruce! I’m dropping J Lo’s butt on you office. That ought to teach you a leason ya lousy bum!

  11. I want a shirt that says: “Fuck You Mink.”

    The fact is, I’m running low on shirts and one like that would be perfect for painting in.

  12. Shouldn’t that dental software rock the very “roots” of the dental industry? Now it will never pass with Mink.

  13. Pop vs Soda? In my part of the country, everything is known as “Coke”. As in “Would you like a Coke?” “Yes” “What kind?” “Dr. Pepper”.


  14. “what’s the first thing most people think of when they hear ‘pop’?”

    Actually, I think of Pop Rocks, but then again, I had a weird childhood.

  15. Did you play as a TE in Earth and Beyond on the PeeCee john? Cause there was a similarly named NPC, Corporal Minsk who keptholding up missions with paper-work as well….

  16. In england the word ‘pop’ is only used by northeners and those who’ve lived with their mother just a little too long. If you know what I mean.

    Not that we say soda or anything. Anyhow, they’re soft drinks ๐Ÿ˜› like…. poppy juice.

  17. Soft drinks make sense. I never said soda, because we had a nice little soda shop near where I grew up that made real sodas!

    Yummy ice cream, flavors and carbonated water. That sugar water they try to pawn off on us is no comparison. It seems like an insult to a good soda to call Pepsi or Coke a soda.

    So I fall into the pop or more often soda pop category.

    HMMM… now I want a chocolate soda or maybe a cheez whiz soda.

  18. Mink’s also sitting on the G4 eMate with the color display and รƒล“berdrive. No, really. He’s literally using the prototype as a seat cushion.


  19. Bruce Mink is “Cai”, products are being held up because he spends all his time on the MEGA-POST !!

  20. OMG, I still have my old eMate from when I was a kid ๐Ÿ˜€ my first horrifyingly ugly laptop… memories….

    Lost the pen for the touch screen though :-/ I’m going to complain to Mr. Moltz as to why he hasn’t personally investigated these obvious ‘touch-pen thieves’. Pah!

  21. monday 4:39 pm PST. Where is my f-ing rumor that is crazy and in someway related to something that is somehow connected to apple?

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