Sources within Apple’s newly-formed operations group under Executive Vice President Tim Cook indicate that all pending products are being held up by this one guy. In what can only be considered a nightmare scenario by Mac users everywhere, dead weight at Apple is holding up numerous sought-after products.
According to sources, the inbox of Bruce Mink, who approves obscure clauses in Apple’s licensing agreements, is backlogged with requests for approval for the following items:
- 30-inch monitor
- 3 GHz G5s
- Microsoft Office-killing version of AppleWorks
- Color iPods
- Microsoft Office-killing Apple Office, based on OpenOffice source code
- iTeeth, an Apple application for dentist offices that will reportedly rock the dental world to its very core
- Microsoft Office-killing Mac Office, coded from scratch
- The G5 Cube
“I’ll get to it when I get to it,” Mink said, unconcerned, before going back to reading the Real Ultimate Power web site.
“Ha-ha!” Mink laughed. “Ninjas!”
Reports from concerned Apple sources said Mink’s manager, General Counsel Nancy Heinen, seems oblivious to the personnel problem within her department.
“Bruce is a great contributor to this team,” Heinen said. “He… um… he…”
Searching her memory for an instance of actual production from Mink, Heinen said “He never makes people wait when we get together to go out for lunch. Lots of other people are late because they check voicemail or whatnot, but Bruce is always ready to go on time.”
After repeated prodding by concerned engineers hoping to see their products released one day, Mink finally quit out of Safari and picked up a licensing agreement for the iPhone. He spent fifteen minutes thumbing through it before his eyelids began to close and his head began to nod.
Stirring suddenly, Mink declared “Oh, man. I need a pop. I’m gonna go get a pop.”
Mink then disappeared for three hours, returning shortly before 5 PM to shut down his computer before leaving for the day.