Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I have a G3 Firewire PowerBook that I use mostly for writing, email and surfing the internet. I only recently upgraded to Mac OS 9.2 as everything works very well for me, and I have no complaints. Well, that’s not exactly true. Scanners. Have you seen this movie?

A: Yes. David Cronenberg. It’s become quite the cult classic.

Q: It’s horrible!

A: Well, he is a little gory and…

Q: No, no, no, no! I mean it sucks! Nothing happens for the first twenty minutes and then this guy’s head explodes! And Michael Ironside?! What is the deal with that guy?!

A: Well, I…

Q: Now I hear they’re remaking it! Can you believe that?! The bottom of the barrel of the great Hollywood art of the remake has been reached! What’s next? The remake of Prince of Space?

A: Uh…

Q: So, who’s the modern day Michael Ironside? I’d say Dennis Franz, but he’s too good!

A: Are… are you done?

Q: Um. Let’s see… Scanners… Ironside… Prince of Space… Franz… Yeah. I’m pretty much done.

Q: You’ll be glad to know I have an actual Mac question.

A: Oh, thank god. Because… I was getting a little…

Q: No worries. I’m here to save this feature.

A: OK! Lay it on me!

Q: OK! I have a rather unique problem. I have a… Mac… and it… um… it has this… thing… that I’m having trouble with.

A: Thing. What thing?

Q: Mmm. Yes! Thing. See… the… particular thing that I’m having trouble with is… the… um… part where the flexor… interoperates with the groove and… um… where tab A fits into slot B… just below where you put the flame decals and… er… uh… with the software formatting of the… monitor and…

A: You don’t… actually own a Mac… do you.

Q: Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnno. No, I really don’t. But I hear they’re very nice.

A: Right. Well… thanks for trying.

Q: My pleasure.

Q: I have a question about Macs and porn.

A: Really!? Wow! Well, you’ve come to the right place.

Q: That’s what I heard. I have this friend who said… well… he said you’d be… discreet.

A: Oh, yeah! Discrete! That’s us! We’re the epitome of discrete!

Q: Good. Because I have this particular need for… a certain kind of porn… on my Mac.

A: You can tell me. Just between the two of us. This won’t go on the web site.

Q: Web site?! There’s a web site?!

A: Nothing to worry about! We’ll remove your name. No one will ever know about… your predilections. Well… except for me, of course.

Q: OK. Well… OK. See…

A: And Chet. Because… he’s here in the booth with me.

Q: Chet?

A: Yeah. And… well… Howard kind of has to know… he’s just naturally curious. But he’s a dog. He won’t tell anyone.

Q: Uh…

A: And the Entity. He’s practically all-seeing. There’s just nothing I could do about that.

Q: This isn’t sounding so good.

A: No, no! It’s fine! But… you know… I’ve got to tell Masako. She’d feel left out if I didn’t.

UGLUK: But that all.

Q: Who was that?!

A: Oh, that’s just Ugluk. Don’t worry about him. He’s cool. In fact, we’re all totally cool with whatever you’re into! Really! So… whenever you’re ready.


A: …


Q: So… you know… how can I go about photographing that and uploading it to my Mac and enhancing the [EXPUNGED] while cropping out the [EXPUNGED]?

A: Oooh, boy… I’m not… we’re not…

CHET: I think I just gagged.

A: I was wrong. We’re not cool with that.

Q: But you said…!

A: Well, I know what I said but I didn’t think you’d say that!

Q: Oh, that’s great. That’s just great. Now you’re making me feel bad!

A: You should feel bad! You’re bad! You’re a bad, bad man!

UGLUK: Ugluk suggest lunch before, but Ugluk no longer hungry.

Q: Oh, forget it! I’ll just take my question to some other site!

A: Hah! Yeah! Good luck, freak!

Q: [click]

CHET: … Ug.

UGLUK: That not right.

A: I don’t even know how they’d do that! Whew. Let’s just… um… OK. Why don’t we just… let’s just call it a day.

31 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Whaaat? And I only left the keyboard for like, 2 seconds – how did you guys get in there ahead of me??? crapsters and bumclouds. 🙁

  2. Woah! Language!!! we’ve got childins reading! 😉

    Sorry for the extra !!! points and all. It’s Friday, and I had Skittles and Jack Link’s Kickin’ Cajun (style) beef jerky for breakfast, so don’t feel bad about getting the not-first post and all… I’ve been shot out of a cannon, as it were.

  3. Toesaw of Doom.

    We’re still doing the tool + body part thing? Aren’t we? Guys? Gals?

    Darn, I knew I was too late with that one.

    Now this thing with rhinos. Is that before or after you [deleted by the laws of common decency] horn and the midget?

  4. Discreet. Not discrete. Discreet is the opposite of blabbermouth, while discrete is the opposite of… erm… I do know this, really… oh, look it up.

  5. The fool! He should have asked his porn question in the CARS comment area. Then he would have been the one screaming “Freak!” and “Gag!” and stuff. That’s what we’re here for right?

  6. That’s what I meant. Separate or distinct. I think it was weird that he was asking us if we would be separate or distinct, but… there you are.

  7. Actually “discrete” means that you’ve been thrown out of Crete, the home of the ancient Minoan civilization in the eastern Mediterranean. Please don’t ask me how I know this.

  8. Why would anyone want to dis Crete, anyway? Why not dat Crete?

    (Sorry….couldn’t help myself…must…stop…bad puns…)

    Oh yeah, I have your eMate stylus. I just got it from the rhino guy.

  9. Back on topic, I should point out that Jack Nicholson and Michael Ironside can be made to look like twins with a minimum of cosmetic surgery (although Michael may also need breast implants).

    As can Gary Busey and Nick Nolte.

    Ryan Reynolds and Ben Affleck.

    Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

    Tia and Tamera Mowry.

    …and the list goes on.

    It’s a wonder Hollywood doesn’t explore the possibilities of pairing up these freakishly similar-looking individuals in “buddy” movies or something.

    ‘cuz that would be cool.


  10. Very sloppy….tsk, tsk, tsk.

    But…it’s about what I’d expect since Moltz spends his time liquored up on Mad Dog 20-20.

    It’s so bad now, that the lesbian midgets are writing most of the stuff on the site…and they have to stand on their tip toes just to reach the keyboards. Of course, it does explain the sudden explosion in odd sexual references. Or does it?

  11. It’s about ten posts too late for this, but hey…

    Bzzzt! WRONG! The answer you were looking for is “What is ex-crete?” I’m sorry, but discrete (as well as dat crete) does not have nearly the applicability to lesbian midgets that is required for this family-oriented show! Bettter luck next time.

  12. hmmm….midgets!

    and lesbians….

    we’ve got em all in the MEGA POST!

    Yes, it’s still running and theres still a game of tag on….well

    was last time I checked!!!

    Anything can happen….IN THE MEGA POST!!!

  13. in maths discrete means data which has only set values, as opposed to the infinite continuous values allowed for by the usage of a decimal point.

  14. Ah, the common confusion between “ex-crete” and “discrete”. If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it a hundred times (that’s 220 times in the metric system).

    “Ex”, of couse, is the Latin word meaing “from”. “Dis”, of course, is the Harlem word meaing “disrespect”.

  15. I’ve had a look at your personal records, young man, and I see that no one has actually ever been the beneficiary of any “help” at this so-called “help desk.” No help. Not mentally, spiritually, physically. Haven’t even helped someone solve a crossword puzzle clue.

    How long do you think you can keep up this charade? Hmm?

  16. Hmmm your right. It does seem like the writing is more what you would expect from lesbian midgets. Though I can’t imagine them getting freaked out about a little suggestion to [EXPUNGED] or [EXPUNGED] [EXPUNGED] or even [EXPUNGED].

    I mean thats tame compared to what they did in the Mega-Post last night. I don’t know if I’m even going to be able to get the Cheez Whiz out this time.

    Just remember to put your alcohol and ONLY your alcohol into the bathtub cuz the Jungle Juice was a little rank last week.

  17. …Ryan Reynolds and Ben Affleck…


    Ryan Reynolds and Jason Lee on the other hand we’re seperated at birth.

  18. Dude, don’t sully this post with genuine Apple news. You’re raising the bar way too high with that stuff.

    Remember, it’s all about the sexbots and the lesbian midgets and the garbage cans full of hootch (or is it hoochies?).

  19. I know, but come on. First I win a mini for having first post and not saying first post and now I can have an iPod wired to use the steering wheel controls. That way I can always keep the perfect music on for the sexbots and lesbian midgets in the back seat.

    I’ve heard that the sexbots also plug into the iPod adapter. I’m not exactly sure what it would do, but it sounds really interesting.

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