Jobs Molds Golem-Like Device.

According to frightened sources within Apple hardware engineering, CEO Steve Jobs created an electronic device from nothing but clay and his power to bend matter earlier today.

In a brainstorming session with hardware engineers, Jobs attempted to describe a device that was part personal digital assistant and part portable game device. When engineers were having trouble imagining some of the particulars of the device, Jobs called for some clay to be delivered to the conference room.

“At first I thought he was just going to mold a model,” one visibly shaken source said.

Jobs did make a physical representation of the device, but then to the shock of those gathered he held it in his hands for several moments as he stared at it maniacally.

“I thought I heard him whisper something… maybe it was Latin…” the source said.

“It was old high Sanskrit,” another glassy-eyed engineer said in a monotone, staring off into space.

“Old. High. Sanskrit.”

When Jobs was finished, he laid a fully functional device upon the table and said matter-of-factly “Something like that. Except… you know… make it white and chrome.”

“Someone asked ‘If you can do that, why do you need us to make it?’ and Jobs said ‘I am merely the catalyst. As lightening is to the fire… as the fire is to the conflagration…

“Plus… uh… the clay is special golem clay. Comes from Africa. It’s like $500 an ounce. But I know this guy who gets if for me for $475.”

Jobs destroyed the device at the end of the meeting by pulverizing it with the leg bone of a yak.

34 thoughts on “Jobs Molds Golem-Like Device.”

  1. It’s not an African golem simply because the clay comes from Africa, meshugina. This particular golem happened to be Californian.

  2. i googled “high sanskrit” and received a few results. than i googled “old sanskrit” and got some results. then i googled steve jobs and got some results. so, i think that confirms that this rumor is absolutely true.

  3. I’ve seen it in person. My first week on the board Steve was my “Big Buddy.” You know, the person that helps get new employees up to speed on the company culture, how to order at Caffee Macs, where the bathrooms are and filling out all that ER paperwork. A “Big Buddy.” He really showed me around, introduced me to the right people and made me feel at home. We really bonded.

    Then late last year the board of directors convened at IL 7 for a late night plate of hot wings and a Nutty Brunette. Ha ha, I love saying that. A Nutty Brunette is a type of beer. Steve showed up clearly displeased that we didn’t pick a vegan establishment.

    He took a seat at the head of the table and asked. “Who the fuck picked this place?” Everyone stared in silence then all the doors shut and all 24 of the sports bar televisions were muted. Then he started chanting in an ancient rhythmic language.

    Every plate of food in the resturaunt started rattling. All the food grew together and formed a giant uh, erm… a giant, FOOD MONSTER.

    The patrons cowered in fear in one corner of the resturaunt while the board members and I formed the Circle of Jranthna It. You know, to protect ourselves.

    Seeing the fear and destruction and just the big old mess of brewpub cusine Steve held his hands together. “Enough.” he said and the Food Monster disappeared.

    It’s a site to see indeed.

    Anonymous Board Member

    P.S. African Golem Clay is like Sculpey for enchanters and mystics alike.

  4. Dude, I’d just use mashed potatoes. Potatoes are everywhere. African clay is only in, like, South America or something…

  5. No wonder why my molded models won’t work. I’ve been using African’t clay instead of African clay. And instead of sanskrit, I’ve used sans-serif-skrit.

  6. well i am the prime minister of britain, and i think that we need to put a greater emphasis on connecting with the people. and so to create a link between us, i shall tax all imports of african golem clay, heavily, so that they (the people) feel like they have some sort of connection with me, the prime minister (of the UK).

  7. Can you imagine how much clay he would need to fashion a G5 PowerBook? Plus, he’d have to chant in ancient Indo-European.

  8. Hmmm, nobody claimed second post so here goes- Third Post! Awww, damn, I got it wrong…

  9. John! John? Joo-oohn?

    Lightning, John. Lightning.

    Yes, I’m being smug and self-satisfied.


    Okay, now I’m sorry.


  10. Maybe Steve really did mean “lightening” — he’s like bleach to a fire, highlighting to a marmoset, chunky blonde streaks to the concept of time.

    Or something.

  11. Nth post!!

    where N=’1st post’ if no posts are before it


    N= ‘last post’ if no posts are after it.

  12. Could you mold a Sexbot out of Clay? And wouldn’t that be the very first thing one would mold, if one could bring said molding to life? Would having sex with something that was a golem be kind of creepy.

  13. Is it necessary to destroy your golem clay creations with a yak bone? Or did Steve do it just for effect?

    I usually just use a large sledgehammer I picked up at Home Depot. You can also special order golem clay from them for only $399.99 an ounce, so Steve’s not really getting a deal. Although once you factor in the price of shipping, which is ridiculously high, it’s probably closer to $500/ounce. FedEx refuses to ship the stuff, so it has to be delivered by private courier. When I was single I voluntered as a courier and actually brought some of the clay back from Africa. Got a free trip out of the deal! That’s when I first learned of the stuff. I use it all the time now.

    Anyway, just curious about the yak bone.

  14. steve jobs once stared at me and all my ancestors popped from my belly.

    the only problem is they insist on hanging around and have ruined my love life.

  15. Fudge is the life.

    Life is the fudge.

    Make me the Fudge Golem.

    Make me the Fudge Golem!

    The chocolate syrup

    Is the lifeblood

    Pounding the heavy fists

    Of my anti-carob automaton!

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