Newton Users To Receive Intervention.

After Tuesday’s announcement that former Apple CEO John Sculley had been named Honorary President of the Worldwide Newton Association, concerned members of the Apple community have decided to conduct an intervention. Starting next week, Newton users will be targeted for some “tough love” by some familiar faces.

“We wanted to pick people they’d feel comfortable with,” said director of iPod marketing Stan Ng. “Clearly this announcement is a desperate cry for help and these are people we need to tread lightly with.”

According to Ng, former Apple evangelist Guy Kawasaki has already signed on as an intervention coordinator and even Sculley himself has been approached.

“Newton addiction is a very serious psychological disorder,” said Ng, who is organizing this response on his own time out of concern for the Newton addicted.

“It’s like sex addiction. Not that I’d know anything about that.

“I don’t know what you’ve heard.”

Newton users, however, remained unwavering in their faith in the platform.

Alan Beckner has used a variety of Newton devices over the last ten years and, since Apple terminated support in 1998, has learned to develop applications for the platform.

“The Newton is truly a superior platform,” Beckner said, with no hint of irony. “Once we convince Apple to open source the Newton OS, all we’ll need to do is line up some hardware developers.”

His eyes starting to dart back and forth, Beckner admitted “I, uh, don’t really know what’s involved in doing that. But how hard could it be?”

Suddenly making a whooping noise like a bird, Beckner began scratching incessantly at his forearm, which appeared to be raw from previous scratching. He then began humming softly to himself and rocking back and forth, his Newton clutched between his arms.

“The first step for people like Alan is to admit they have a problem,” Ng said. “Then the healing can begin.”