Apple Renames All Technologies

Legal trouble is forcing Apple to rename one of its premier technologies. According to Apple Insider, Rendezvous will be renamed OpenTalk as part of an conflict with Tibco Software.

Additionally, sources indicate that Apple has decided that as long as it’s renaming one of its technologies, “What the hell, [it] should just go ahead and rename them all.”

Highly reliable sources indicate the following changes will be made:

  • In a sign that relations between Apple and developers are truly souring, Xcode will be renamed OpenInvitationToBiteMe.
  • Automator will become Dashboard, and Dashboard will become Automator. The two will then switch every third Tuesday in months with an “r” in their name.
  • QuickTime will be renamed Spanky. When asked why, an Apple source said somewhat argumentatively “Because we can!” Also, he seemed like he might be drunk. We get a lot of that.
  • VoiceOver will henceforth be known as ShutYoMouf.
  • Quartz is now Kyle Quartz, Private Eye!
  • .Mac will be renamed GMailExcept$100AndWithoutTheStorageSpace. iCards will become CrappyMcCardCrap.
  • 64-Bit is now 64-Bit Extreeeeeeeeeeeeme!!!
  • Core will be Whore. Apparently much of it was coded by whores. Not some techno-geek “code whore” or anything… actual whores. We don’t really know how that’s possible but… Not that whores couldn’t learn to code, given the proper training… Uh… Well, let’s just move on.
  • Spotlight is now the more accurate ProcessorWastingEyeCandy.

Sources also indicate that several other technologies will be renamed things that are unpronounceable. H.264/AVC, for example, will become a string of punctuation, Cyrillic and Asian Unicode characters followed by a poke in the eye.