Stories We'll Never Do.

Other than the new PowerBooks that were announced this week that are OK if you like that kind of thing, there’s just not a lot going on in the Mac rumor universe right now. So, instead of chasing down Guy Kawasaki in an alley, dragging him into a van and pumping his stomach to find out what he had for lunch, we thought we’d provide a list of stories that we’ve considered doing in the last few years but, because they’re no longer pertinent or because of court order or whatever, we’re no longer pursuing.


  • Jef Raskin: Mammal or Fish? CARS Checks His DNA and the Results May Surprise You.
  • John Sculley On The Newton: “I Was High On Borax and Scotch. It Seemed Like A Good Idea.”
  • Apple Recalls Security Update 2003-03-11 Due To Choking Hazard.
  • Blueberry iBook Tastes More Like Tasteless Polymer.
  • Entire Performa Line Office Prank Gone Amok.
  • NY Islanders, Columbus Blue Jackets Play Entire First Period With Original iMac Mouse.
  • Nancy Heinen Finds Solitude In Apple Executive Women’s Washroom.
  • Perverted Mac User’s Eyes Roll Back A Little At The Mention of Hardware, Software.
  • Killer Lesbian Ninja Cyborgs Prefer Macs 5 To 1.

Actually, we may do that last one.

23 thoughts on “Stories We'll Never Do.”

  1. Also, when you hear Guy Kawasaki’s name, does it make anyone think “vroom vroom” or is it just me?

  2. If you’re in a bit of a lull and looking for something to do, maybe you could use your Guru/Swami influence with the Apple board and get ITMS to Australia.

    If I’m wrong about your Maharishi status then maybe you could just use torture or other means of devilish persuasion.

    Just get it here OK.

  3. I think the Performa thing probably has been done to death. I applaud you for skipping that one.

    Wait, that story is old. Older than CARS. In fact many of the dead file rumors predate the creation of CARS. Unless there was a predecessor to CARS. Fess up John. How long have you been writing Apple Rumors and where were your stories previously published?

  4. I thought we all knew that CARS was started because for years John would “report” “stories” that he “heard” about Apple into his diary. One day, he met the Entity, and the Entity told him there was a market for that kind of crap.

    And the rest, is historyÂ…

    So, no those stories weren’t published before CARS, but they were around.

  5. CARS didn’t do that story about baking eggs on a PowerBook, right?

    Probably not, it’s to obvious.

  6. John didn’t start CARS. It started as a CAR itself, which then took on physical form as a peripheral consequence of Jobs’ RDF.

    John bumped into it one day at a party and realised it offered the opportunity for indulging his compulsive need to discuss lesbians, sexbots, and the coming cyber-Apocalypse.

    Which is so much more cybery than the normal kind, and hence less likely to get caught in your teeth.

  7. You had me ’till the last line… “Killer Lesbian Ninja Cyborgs Prefer Macs 5 To 1.”

    Well, from personal experience i can definitely say that ALL the EIGHT Lesbian Ninja Cyborgs at my home prefer Macs. Mostly older ones, at that, because of the original Apple Extended Keyboard II. It gives you sooo much more impact (those metal bars are a real killer).

    Actually, as i type, i can see Monaqua moving towards me, swinging that good old-fashioned bit of HEY! it’s a OW! EY! That HURT, you know?! It’s like OW! How would you like OUCH! me to do that OY! to…

    … oh, you would?

    Sorry folks, gotta go, i’ve a… thingy… OW!!! HAVE AT YA!! … oven… thing HA!!!!! Now it’s me on th………………..

  8. Now for REAL humor try this:

    ‘Written’ by the same guy who did the article mentioned yesterday about the Mac Mini (satire). Apparently, Jorge is a psuedonym for some brilliant writer, Garrison Netzel, who has a talent for satire. I picked this up from

    This one was more obvious than the Mac mini article, and a bit funnier.

  9. Google’s on crack today. I logged into my gmail account and I have 50 invites!

    Something tells me they are about to mainstream it.

  10. Maybe they just think you know how to ‘partay’?

    Which would explain why I’m still stuck on three. One of which they’ve already earmarked for my Mum.

    Cheeky buggers.

  11. That is a possibility. If you need any extra I’ve got plenty to share. Too bad there not worth anything to sell anymore. I could be rich RICH I tell ya.

    It could also be the cheese smell Brother Mugga. I’ve heard that Google is anti-cheese.

  12. I thought they’d retracted their stance on this issue following the ‘Cyber-Chedderists’ DOS attack of late ’04?

    “What do we want?”

    (“A world that smells of foot!”)

    “When do we want it?”

    (“Thursday would be nice!”)

  13. “I still want to see Entire Performa Line Office Prank Gone Amok.”

    I think that refers to Apple’s release of the Performa line in the first place. Some things were never meant to be….

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