Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today the Help Desk answers your questions about CARS itself!

Q: I’ve been reading CARS for months now, and I want to get into this whole “commenting” thing that the kids are into. The problem is, all of the good handles are taken. “Psyko”, “Streetrabbit”, “Huck”… all of the handles that you’d think of first are already in use. What’s a guy to call himself?
A: One of the more popular types of handles is that of a lightly-used CARS guest appearance, such as “The Evil Invisibly Boy’s Choir” or “Glaarku”. There are many second-rate CARS guests whose names you can use – just pick one! They’re all good. “Gary” was Apple’s good friend who always has a nice thing to say. The problem with him is… well… he always has a nice thing to say. That won’t get you very far in the comments. “Angry Scotsman” is a better bet, although the accent is tedious. “Vinz Machete” was our unidentifiably foreign photographer who never produced any pictures before Howard took over, but staff members are generally a no-no as the actual staff member can ban you. I suggest picking something obscure, yet catchy. How about “Alternate Universe Schiller”?
Q: Wow! Is that still available!
A: Well, probably not after this post.
Q: Ah, crap.

Q: I’ve been perusing this site and I’m really confused. You have a full-time web developer, yet where is the message board? Where is the link for a printable version of the stories or the ability to email it to a friend? You have a full-time photographer, yet you rarely post photos. You have an energy being yet no fully integrated interphase inhibitor for trans-dimensional portal induction. Just what kind of slip-shod operation are you running here?
A: Uh… the… um… wackiest slip-shod operation in the Mac community! Ah-huy-huy! Eeee-yuk! Ga-looonk! Yoink!
Q: …
A: …
Q: Is that… supposed to be… funny… or something?
A: It’s kind of a… throwback to comedy movies of the late fifties… like Operation Petticoat… and…
Q: Oh. Yeah. I didn’t get that reference.
A: OK, look, how about this: we were all killed in a car crash three years ago and our living hell is to have to cover Apple rumors every day for the rest of eternity?
Q: Mmm, well…
A: I’ll throw in Josh Hartnett as the ruggedly handsome Ugluk.
Q: Mmm… OK! You’ve got yourself a deal!

Q: I did a statistical analysis of the text on this site and I determined that the two word combination that’s used the most on it is “lesbian ninjas.”
A: Ah. Mmm-hmm. Not surprising.
Q: Yes. Well, the thing is, truth be told, there really aren’t so many ninjas in the world these days…
A: Oh. Really?
Q: Mmm-hmm. Just not a lot of call for that type of work.
A: Pity, really.
Q: … That people aren’t having each other garroted in their sleep as much as they used to?
A: Um… well, what’s your point?
Q: My point is, you use the words “lesbian ninja” – quite often specifically “Apple lesbian ninja” – an awful lot considering that, by my calculations, there are probably two actual lesbian ninjas in the world right now.
A: Oh, I’m fairly certain you’re wrong about that.
Q: And there’s very little likelihood that either of them work for a computer company in Cupertino, California.
A: You are way off-base here.
Q: Well, if you have information to the contrary…
A: See, ninjas are stealthy. It’s not like they answer the door when the census people come by. They probably just sneak up behind them and slit them open from sternum to pelvis with… with… the lid of a tuna can… or something else… handy.
Q: I think the people at the census bureau might notice that.
A: No, no, no. See, they’re too afraid to mention it.
Q: OK, look, whatever. I’m just saying that your obsession with this mythical collection of lesbian ninjas who work for Apple Computer probably points to some deep form of psychosis that… wait… Is someone there? What the…? [glack!]
A: … Uh…
Q: …
A: Um… hello?
Q: …
A: Yep. There you go. Lesbian ninjas got him. You just can’t go shootin’ your mouth off like that.

59 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Now I feel bad. Sorry TwoHeadedBoy(s?) I imagine your life is tough enough without the bitter disappointment of missing first post by tenths of a second.

  2. Thanks Bellidancer, but I’ve still got my millions of dollars, booze and sexbots to console myself.

  3. “Invisible,” not “Invisibly Evil Boy’s Choir.”

    Can anyone really “be” invisibly evil? I don’t know…I’m just the Spell Czech!

  4. Man, I’ve gotta start posting more, so I too can be featured prominently in CARS articles.

    Wait, that’s too story-related for a low-numbered post. Ummm… invisible evil sexbot choirs!

  5. Hey! This help desk had nothing to do with Apple or Macintoshes. It was all about you!

    Funny though.

    If the lack of good handles is really keeping people out, maybe the regulars should suggest a few.

    Here are a few from me:

    PsykoKiller – Well maybe not if it would make Psyko paraniod.

    Wolverine- isn’t he into ninja chicks?

    SarcasticTwit – good strong handle someone could build into a whole schick.

  6. I most sincerely apologise for the content of the site bearing my name. They will be garrotted in their sleep.


  7. I’ve got around a dozen I use, but I’m not giving any of them up.

    Unfortunately I’m stuck with a stupid one, but what can you do.

    There’s a lesson there for the kiddies who are thinking of getting into CARS posting in a serious way – make sure you choose a handle you can live with. And make it short and easily referenced by the CARS High Command (two mentions now – Yessss!)

    Something like Josef K or Number 6. These have the added advantage of expressing your political convictions and/or musical tastes.

    Something like Apple Dumpling would be totally stupid though.

  8. I think I’ve asked that second question approximately 230,017 times. finally got an answer. well, besides, the boring REAL answer-that one was even better.

    except for that “energy being” thing. I always figured that was self explanatory.

    and after checking through the comments, low these many months, I think I’m the only Mac* that posts in the comments. that * is a wildcard, meaning you can put anything after there. I just figured that there would be more…Mac people here, and less drunks.

    it’s disturbing, really. I mean, honestly, have you seen the hot tub. er, what’s left of it…I know Psyko claims responsibilty…

    I still blame Streetrabbit.

    (no offense, it just sounds so cool to say that. I know, I’m weird)

  9. I was browsing around Apple’s discussion board one day, and I saw MacStansbury’s comments.

    There’s no joke here, just pointing out that he uses the same name at all his websites. Not me though. My real name is “Commender Tacos.” But I try not to use it on the web. I don’t want my political views to haunt me.

  10. You can only blame me for the button, but’s what’s to blame?

    As for the hot tub, one time a guy drinks all the vodka, just one time.

    Get him MacPower.

  11. Hey, sure I was not the one that actually blew up the hot tub. I made sure it would go though. My genius I tell you.

    Oh, and Bellidancer, you seem to hate me. All I have to say is that I WAS THE FIRST ONE NAMED!!!!!

  12. Yeah, see. You’ve got to treat a lesbian ninja *right*. Otherwise she’ll up and skin you, wrap another victim in it, and watch them get slowly crushed as the skin dries in the hot afternoon sun.

    Now if you’re nice about it — y’know, don’t make fun of people who believe in their existence — they’ll naturally find themselves another lesbian ninja and let you watch.

  13. Hah, first post.

    Of the next day.

    Chew of that, my post-colonial cousins. See, not so clever with the time-zones now, eh?

    I hereby claim this message board on behalf of her Majesty and re-name it ‘New Post’.

    Now, where all all those (non-gunpowder-aware) slaves? Er, I mean natives.

  14. So, Carl is CmdrTaco from /.? The plot thickens… with a lack of fully integrated interphase inhibitors for trans-dimensional portal induction!

  15. Not at all Psyko, I just think Psykokiller would be a perfectly good handle. I wouldn’t wish any harm come to you!

    (Darn kid gets mentioned TWICE in stories on CARS, and gets first billing in the last story and he thinks I hate him????)

    (maybe a little….)

  16. Wot you talking off?

    What can I say, Mr Vice-President, it was early and my brain was still a-bootin’.

  17. Sorry Bellidancer. I apologize to your highness about the premature accusations. Psykokiller would be a pretty cool handle, you are right again.

    Didn’t mean to get cocky.

  18. Geez, John, gettin’ your ideas from the comments? I posted this back on Jan 25th…

    “Hey, Streetrabbit! You’ve been reading ATAT too much about Jack’s theory on Apple products eventually being used to take over the minds of the users and lead to global domination. Jobs is gonna have you whacked by lesbian ninjas, if you aren’t careful…

    I hope that I don’t get whacked by menti…(THWACK!)

    Posted by greenacres at January 25, 2005 09:39 AM”

    Of course, what else do lesbian ninjas do besides murdering people? Hmmm, lesbian. Hmmmm, I’m sorry, was I saying something, I seem to have lost my train of thought with a visual…

  19. depends on where you’re warming them…bah-dum-ching!

    I’ll be here all week folks! drive home safely, every one.

    oh, and be sure to tip your waiter or waitress!

  20. Better? How can Moltz stories be better by not making them Moltz stories? Then they will just be what we want, and we all know that the news doesn’t always give us what we want.

  21. Oh wait. It is the TRUTH they don’t give us. They always give us what we want. Sorry, carry on.

  22. I’d just like to say that I exist. And that I don’t have a little Goatee like some crazy rumors sites have suggested. In fact, I have a magnificent, luxurious beard, which reaches nearly to my knees, and lends an air of sage dignity to all of my utterances.

  23. Off course, this name is taken too. So back it up, punk! Its mine! Ah, what it is to be the one and only “Ozi”

    *sighs contentedly and sips on hot chocolate*

  24. Alternate Universe Schiller: Can you pull iPods and Mac minis out of your beard at will? If not, can you pull sharp, deadly looking weapons out of you beard at will?

    If you answer yes to any of the above, I would like to make an appointment to grab you by the ankles, hold you upside down, and shake all the good stuff out.

    And just so it is know, my cockles are warm now, but I’m not sure how they got that way…

  25. Huck,

    You need to keep better track of your cockles…

    Sounds to me like somebody has been playing with them while you weren’t watching.

  26. Hi, I am using an Alienware Area 51M 5500. It is a PC laptop, meaning I don’t really like it, but it still doesn’t suck as much as it could. In fact, it is fairly good. Ok, take me away now, I will accept my fate.

  27. You can use nicknames on this board?!? And here I have been using my real name all along.

    I too wonder why I never get mentioned by Moltz. I used to think it was just that he wouldn’t know which of us he was referring to since there are so many with this name. Now I suspect it is just too long (or too real). It can’t be that my posts just aren’t witty enough to stand out. Or maybe he resents having awarded me the Cars mini last year for having the most first posts in May.

    I wonder if it would help if I changed my name – maybe taking on the ancestral name of John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt?

    I know. It’s perfect. Why didn’t I think of it before. From henceforth where the CARS community is concerned I will be known as John Jacob Jingleheimer Schiller.

  28. Huck,

    Sorry, but the stories about me pulling iPods and Mac Minis out of my beard at will are nothing but deranged fairy tales.

    Despite my best efforts to date, I’m only able to produce “Think Different” keychains and Bluetooth keyboards. Also, for some reason, all of the keyboards are the Danish localized version.

    It may also interest you to know that here in the alternate universe, Steve Jobs works at the Genius Bar of the Apple Store in Great Falls, Montana, and the duties of the job of CEO of Apple Computer are performed by a committee of the Bismarck, South Dakota Yacht Club (who don’t have any yachts, but for some reason are in posession of several swastika-emblazoned battleships.)

  29. I was wondering whether Glaarku, Flick the Wonder Squirrel, the Invisible Evil Boys’ Choir, and the Evil Goat from a couple of months ago could give us their impressions of the iPod shuffle? As an Apple shareholder, I’m intensely interested in how our products are doing in the fictitious demographic segment of the market.



  30. Recipe for getting mentioned in a CARS post:

    Post comments compulsively, as if you have nothing more important in your life to do.

  31. I don’t understand what you’re saying, Huck. I think maybe you used too many words. The “as if” just didn’t make any sense.

    Hey all you JJJSs out there, Get Over It!!!

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