Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today the Help Desk is answering questions about Apple’s decision to only include USB 2.0 cables with iPods instead of Firewire! Don’t they love you anymore?!

Q: I just heard that Apple no longer includes a Firewire cable with iPods and I am livid! I don’t understand this! After all I’ve done for Apple, how could they treat me so shabbily?! I’ve owned a Classic II, two Quadras, an iMac and an iBook! I thought I was special! Now I find out it’s all some grand scheme to get “profit”! I loved this company! I feel so used. Where is the love? Where?!
A: Oh, please. You’re a cheap, tawdry tart who never thought twice about steppin’ out on Apple!
Q: Wha-what?! I never!
A: “Quadra boo-hoo! iMac boo-hoo!” You disgust me! What about that Palm Pilot you bought instead of a Newton?!
Q: It was like $800 cheaper!
A: And what about that time you laughed when the IT guys at work joked about the Mac?!
Q: I… I have low self-esteem! I was just trying to fit in!
A: Fine. Fine. Then what about the time you bought an eMachine?! WHAT ABOUT THAT?!
Q: WHAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAAAA! You’re right! You’re right! I’m a terrible customer! I don’t deserve Apple! I don’t!
A: You’d be lucky if they agreed to sell you iPod socks.
Q: I… I don’t really want any…
Q: OK! OK! I’ll… buy some iPod socks… if they’ll let me.
A: OK, then. Heh, you know, sadly, this is how they get most of their iPod socks sales.

Q: I’m not here to argue that Apple should include a Firewire cable because I have an older Mac or, worse, that they should just throw in both. But Firewire is a superior product to USB 2.0. It’s faster and… and, um… the plugs look cooler. Well, anyway, the name is way better. So why should Apple move away from a superior technology?
A: You’re completely misunderstanding the situation. This isn’t about the technical merits.
Q: No?!
A: No. It’s about the beautiful babies of the Apple world.
Q: Um… what?
A: Look, when you’ve been around the babies as much as I have, you know what they like. And I’m telling you that the swingin’ babies of the Mac world prefer USB 2.0 to Firewire. I don’t know about you, but when I’m out at a bar lookin’ to hang with some beautiful babies, I don’t want to be caught with a Firewire cable in my pants, if you know what I mean.
Q: I really, really don’t.
A: That, my friend, is why you don’t make it with the beautiful babies.
Q: Is there someone else there I could talk to?

Q: I don’t really understand what the big fuss about this issue is. Firewire and USB 2.0 are completely compatible. You can easily use the included USB 2.0 cable with your Firewire connection.
A: I think you’re wrong about that.
Q: No, no. I’ve researched this and there are three ways to do it. First, when you get your iPod, carefully unpack the USB cable and grasp it firmly at the connector. Then, making sure that the connections line up perfectly, jam it as hard as you can into an available Firewire port.
A: That’s… not going to work. And it’ll probably ruin both the cable and the port.
Q: Exactly. That’s why I came up with options 2 and 3.
A: Ah.
Q: The second method is to strip the USB cable down to its wires. Using a pair of crimping tools, take the copper wires and hold them against your motherboard. Using a soldering iron, connect them physically to…
A: Wait. Does this work either?
Q: Nnno. Not really.
A: So what’s option 3?
Q: Ah! Glad you asked. This is what I ended up doing. Um… two machines later.
A: Of course.
Q: You know the little Firewire icon that looks like the symbol for radioactive material?
A: Uh-huh.
Q: Just cover that and the USB symbol up with a little model paint and then paint them back on but with the Firewire symbol where the USB port is and vice versa.
A: And… you found this worked for you?
Q: Oh, totally! I mean, my Firewire port is a little slower now and my USB port is a little faster, but it saved me $19!
A: Not including the two Macs you ruined.
Q: Rrrright. And the model paint.
A: Rrrright.