Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

As Tuesday’s effort to get everyone to SIGN THE ONLINE PETITION was such a rousing success, let’s spend some more time on how Apple has wronged you!

Q: I have a problem with Apple that I’ve been unable to get resolved after months of phone calls to tech support.
A: Oh, wait, let me guess. Is Avie Tevanian banging your wife?
Q: Um, no. I’m not sure why I’d call tech support about that…
A: OK. OK. Um… let’s see. Peter Oppenheimer met you in mortal combat and beat you but to your eternal shame and the degradation of the code of your order he allowed you to continue living!
Q: That’s not it either.
A: Wait, wait, wait. I’m sure I can get it.
Q: Mmm. OK. I’ll give you another try.
A: OK. OK. OK. Um…
Q: I think you might be thinking about it too hard. Think more like PowerBook display problem than an executive involved in my personal life.
A: No. No, wait. Wait. Here we go: Stan Ng lives down the street from you and he wakes up early every day and steals your newspaper and knocks over your garbage can!
Q: N-nno.
A: And he’s banging your wife!
Q: No. No, look, I think you may have been in this rumor business a little long. You’re obsessed with these Apple executives.
A: What?! Pff! That’s crazy! That’s crazy talk! You’re crazy! I won’t listen to another word of this craziness!
Q: OK. Oh, say, what’s Phil Schiller’s hat size?
A: 7 and a half!
Q: Mmm-hmm.
A: What? Oh, c’mon, everyone knows that!

Q: I want to complain about the neck on my iMac G4. See, ever since I got it, it hasn’t held up the monitor as well as…
A: No. No, no, no. You’re going to have to do better than that.
Q: What? What do you mean? I have a legitimate complaint about an Apple product that…
A: Yeah, you know, you’re talking but all I hear is “blah, blah, blah.”
Q: OK. OK. I can play this game. Um… how about this: I went out the other night and when I came back my fish were all missing and my iMac was wet.
A: What? No. No. I don’t even get that.
Q: Well… my iMac ate the fish.
A: That’s just stupid.
Q: Stupider than Avie Tevanian banging my wife?
A: Well, I think that’s between Avie and your wife. I don’t know what she looks like…
Q: Hey!
A: Let’s just stay on task here. You owe me one juicy way in which Apple has wronged you.
Q: OK. OK. Um… Does it have to involve an executive?
A: Not necessarily. It could involve lesbian ninjas.
Q: I see.
A: I have a quota.
Q: I understand. OK. Hmm…
A: Just whatever comes to the top of your head.
Q: Uh… let’s see…
A: Just let it flow! First thing! C’mon!
Q: Uhhhhhhhhh, killer Apple cyborgs are holding my poodle hostage and won’t let him go until I buy an AppleCare protection plan for my iMac!
A: Good! Good! Excellent use of cyborgs! And a poodle held hostage is always good!
Q: Ha! Phew! OK! Now, can we talk about the neck of my iMac?
A: Nnno.
Q: Oh, c’mon!

Q: Hi, yes, I was wrongfully dismissed by Apple and I’m suing the company to get restitution.
A: Mmm. Well, that’s great and all, but I’m not feeling it, if you know what I mean.
Q: I… don’t.
A: Well, OK, so you’ve got motivation. I’m hearing that. But what I’m not hearing is sizzle.
Q: Sizzle? This is a human resources-related lawsuit.
A: I know, but bring it on home for me. Throw in the free tie!
Q: Free tie?
A: What makes me care?! Why do I want to follow your human resources saga?!
Q: Um… I was escorted out of the building by Apple sexbots?