Apple Halts Research Into Wireless Pudding.

In one of his first major acts as the new head of hardware engineering, Apple Vice President Peter Mehring has halted all research into the promising field of wireless pudding. Once hailed as a technology that would deliver creamy, cool satisfaction to users anywhere within range of a wireless connection, its bright future has been cut short.

A disappointed hardware developer lamented “[Mehring] didn’t share our vision and just completely axed the program. No chocolate, no vanilla, no butterscotch. He didn’t even let us lick the bowl. It’s completely unfair.”

While those on the project were left to turn to more pedestrian tasks such as developing wireless iPods and wireless power, Mehring defended the move.

“This wasn’t research,” Mehring said. “This was an excuse to eat pudding.”

According to Mehring, the Wireless Pudding Group produced no tangible results from its three years of research but consumed over 15,000 boxes of instant pudding.

“I like pudding as much as the next guy,” Mehring said. “But we’re decades away from a viable wireless pudding technology. This is the kind of research that’s best left to the world of academia.”

Those in the know indicate that while the members of the Wireless Pudding Group believed in the technology, they could not see the forest for the trees.

“I believe that it started as genuine research,” said columnist Andy Ihnatko, “But they lost sight of the goal and became slaves to the rich, smooth mistress that is today’s pudding product.

“My understanding is that these guys would come to meetings late with pudding smeared all over their faces and then fall asleep when they crashed from the sugar high.”

The group also did itself no favors when a major proof of concept demonstration last year consisted of one engineer throwing handfuls of chocolate pudding into the mouth of another engineer standing several feet away from him.

While this once-hyped technology appears to have suffered a severe setback, sources indicate that its cancellation may mean that more funding is available for the company’s research into fudge over IP.