Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I have an iBook G4 that I would like to connect to an external monitor. I know that…
A: Hold it! Hold it right there!
Q: Wh-what?
A: You people always call up and whine to me for hours about your Apple problems – ooh, my iBook don’t work no good! – and, frankly, I’m sick of it!
Q: Um… OK.
A: Yeah! Today’s my day! Today I get to talk about my Apple problems!
Q: Fair enough. I’m sure it’s quite frustrating to…
A: Hey! You’re talking again! Stop talking!
Q: Right. Sorry.
A: OK! That’s better.
Q: My bad. So what’s your Apple problem?
A: I… I love Apple too much!
Q: Hey, so do we all.
A: Shut up!
Q: Sorry!
A: No, see… I really love Apple too much.
Q: Ooooh… you mean…
A: Mmm-hmm. Squishy.
Q: Aaaaah. That is an Apple problem.
A: Yes. So.
Q: Uh… so.
A: Well?! What’s your advice?!
Q: Oh! Uh… ooh… well, um… you see… uh… well, have you tried expressing your love to Apple?
A: Well… I’ve bought a mess of their products. That’s like expressing love.
Q: No. I mean really expressing it.
A: Like… how?
Q: Physically.
A: Do you… I’m not… How would that even be done?
Q: I’m totally not sure but I’d really like to see you try. So much so that I’ve completely forgotten about my iBook problem.
A: Oh, thanks a lot. I’m glad my pain is amusing to you. No one understands me.
Q: You got that right, weirdo.

Q: I support a enterprise-wide Xsan…
A: Didn’t you read the question above?!
Q: But… our users…
A: Look, the last problem didn’t go so well so let’s just move on. I’m over it. I have plenty of other Apple problems to discuss.
Q: See, I actually support a hospital so…
A: Problems like Jon Rubinstein.
Q: … some of the information we provide is used in life or death situations…
A: I don’t like Jon Rubinstein.
Q: … and the system’s been down for a number of hours now…
A: I don’t know what it is about him… maybe it’s the glasses.
Q: … a little while ago there was a code blue down the hall and then silence. I don’t think that was good…
A: Thinks he’s so big… Mr. Big Shot… Mr. Cool… Mr. iPod Division… pff…
Q: Uh-oh. There goes the power.
A: Wait a minute. You know… now that I think about it… maybe it’s Ron Johnson I don’t like…
Q: …
A: Hello? Hello? Hmm. Guess he hung up. Probably some fricking Ron Johnson fan. Don’t get me started on those people.

Q: OK, I know the drill. You’ve got some Apple issues to work out so bring it. Let me hear it. I want your deepest, darkest, most hideous Apple problem. Lay it on me. I can take it.
A: OK, this one has been bothering me for years.
Q: Right. Here we go. Bring on the weirdness.
A: If Steve was just going to not replace the Newton with a new PDA, why the whole big charade about the new PDA running some form of the Mac OS? Why not just level with us and say the Newton was canceled – we suggest you look at the Palm?
Q: …
A: What?
Q: That’s it? That’s the worst one?
A: Oh. No. There’s a really bad one but I have to show it to you with puppets and I left them at home.
Q: Oh.