Union Army Razes One Infinite Loop.

In a devastating blow to Apple and Apple fans everywhere, the Union army under the command of General William Tecumseh Sherman, marched on Cupertino today and razed One Infinite Loop to the ground.

While historians and military experts were at a loss to explain how the incident could have occurred, Apple executives were defiant in their repudiation of the act and vowed revenge.

“These cowardly yankee scalawags shall have their comeuppance!” vowed Senior Vice President of Worldwide Sales and Operations Timothy Cook. Cook, along with Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson, indicated that they planned to enlist immediately in order to defend the honor of Apple, swearing the company’s stock would rise again.

Meanwhile, dressed in a gown he sewed himself from green curtain pulled from the smoldering ruins of the Apple campus, CEO Steve Jobs attempted to put a positive face on the damage during today’s quarterly conference call with financial analysts.

“Ah certainly don’t know what you all are frettin’ about!” Jobs exclaimed, vigorously waving a fan in front of his face. “Our Mac sales are up 48% and our iPod sales up 558%! And this lemonade is absolutely de-licious! Have you tried it?”

After completing the conference call, however, Jobs was rushed to a settee, having been overcome by “a case of the vapors.”

Also, while seemingly unrelated to Apple’s current woes, Senior Vice President of Software Engineering Bertrand Serlet was heard to remark that he don’t know nothing about birthin’ no babies.