Microsoft Plans Distractions To Follow Tiger's Release.

Microsoft spent considerable effort this week attempting to distract the technology industry and the general public from Tiger’s upcoming release by scheduling media events focusing on Longhorn, which is still over a year and a half away from being released.

Despite the already prodigious effort, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that the company intends to keep up the pressure next week, conducting the following activities in a continued attempt to attract attention to itself.

  • Standing on the edge of a diving board and yelling “Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!” until the technology industry looks.
  • Drinking way too much, calling its old girlfriend in a futile attempt to get back together and then sobbing and apologizing before hanging up and spending the rest of the night on the floor of the bathroom.
  • Hovering finger in front of technology industry, noting that it is not touching the technology industry and asking if that bugs the technology industry.
  • Running with scissors while flailing its arms in the air and yelling “La-la-la-la-la-la-la!”
  • Taking hostages in a Denny’s and forcing them to watch as it consumes five Grand Slam breakfasts. Then attempting to run a police blockade in its ’74 Charger before getting gunned down in a corn field after the car runs out of gas outside Tulsa.
  • Creating a media circus by announcing it’s running for public office and then tearfully dropping out of the race two days later amid allegations of an inappropriate relationship with a 19-year-old cabana boy.
  • Getting its nipples pierced.

Apple has not announced if it has any plans to counter Microsoft’s barrage with any cries for attention of its own. However, several sources indicate that the company has been practicing that trick where you spin plates on top of long sticks.

46 thoughts on “Microsoft Plans Distractions To Follow Tiger's Release.”

  1. hmmmm, interesting post. One might wonder what gender Microsoft is…..micro soft

  2. I read the Avalon graphics engine is going to have a feature called “aero glass transparency” which allows content from one window to show through parts of the window on top of it.

    No way that’s possible!!

    And how about this;

    “In addition, Longhorn will handle IP-addressable devices on a local-area network just as Windows XP now manages hardware connected via USB or PCI. “We’re now treating IP as just another bus,” said Jawad Khaki, corporate vice president for Windows networking and device technologies.”

    Ummmmm I’m no expert but isn’t that Appletalk?

  3. Very funny story today, I love comparing big corporations to immature bastards 😀

    Oh, yeah, I forgot something: UGLY JOHN!!!!! HAHAHA!!!!!!! UGLY JOHN!!!!!!!!

  4. Very interesting, I almost soiled myself when I saw CARS mention Tulsa as i’m from there.

  5. Thanks for not soiling yourself, jinzo. Who knew it took so little to get Tulsans so excited?

  6. Apple *did* have Phil Schiller jump off a building once.. I’m not sure that would count as a “cry for help”. It was way cool, though.

  7. You obviously have no idea of the number of gas stations in Tulsa. There are literally gas stations every HALF MILE. You couldn’t run out of gas here if you were driving a Hummer H2 and towing a ceramic 2:1 scale model of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

  8. Microsoft already lost out on some great opportunities. I understand MS had been in talks with Brittany’s people. MS marketing was aflutter with the prospect of MS acquiring the pop star through a friendly take over and possibly spinning off a whole owned subsidiary joinly created by the merger. The marketing mavens forsaw months of publicity dominating, even monopolizing the mass media markets. Rumors, denials, press conferences, magazines covers, appearences on Oprah, and total saturation of the Internet with blogs, “unauthorized” photograghs, fan sites, and counter fan sites would detail every single phase of the relationship. Lover’s spats, secret marriages, prenups, honeymoons, hints of pregnancy, labor… The opportunities for publicity was endless. MS would have destoryed everything else. There would have been NO ink (or electrons) for publicity for anything else. Tiger would have sunk into obscurity.

    Unfortunately for MS, when Brittany met Gates and considered the implications of “micro” and “soft” the deal fell through.

    Let us all give thanks and praise!

  9. Yeah. I can now officially scorch an Apple rumour.

    iTMS in Australia…didn’t happen. It’s now half past the day it was supposed to happen, but it didn’t happen.

    Russell Crowe?….idiot.

    Appletalk Australia?…fools for believing the idiot.

    And now in the style of Gil Scott-Heron;

    the store will not be aussiefied.

    we will not have 30 odd foot of grunts blaring in our iPods.

    the store will not be aussiefied.

    there will be no adverts on the nine o’clock news.

    there will be no music press lauding it’s presence.

    the store will not be aussiefied.

  10. I wondered where that ceramic 2:1 scale model of the Leaning Tower of Pisa was headed as it pulled out of Hackensack.

  11. Hey…..go post in the Megapost you heathens….

    we’re almost 3000 posts long!




  12. Poignant tirades! Poignant tirades!!!!

    Well… ok. you got me.

    Hey sorry about the no show, Streetrabbit. Certainly Aussies should have the same ability to waste money and buy crappy music as anyone else.

  13. I love the poignant tirades.

    Am I dissapointed about iTMS?

    Let me see

    iTMS Australia $1.69 per song. $0.15 per song DRM free.

    Mmmmmmm. tough choice.

    I just can’t decide, I’m just going to have to marry both of you!

  14. I think Apple should learn to juggle torches, or better yet, chainsaws. That would be much more entertaining than the plate spinning thing. Or maybe Apple should just streak Microsoft’s press conference.

  15. Unfortunately, whatever distraction M$ provides, it will not be enough to cause you to miss the ground if you throw yourself at it.

    Just thought you’d want to know.

  16. This morning Microsoft was shining a flashlight (torch for you UK folks) in my face while I was trying to sleep and kept saying ‘Am I bothering you?’

  17. Is that just random information, english professor, or do you see a mistake in the story? I’ve read it eight times and don’t see that mistake (of course, that doesn’t mean it isn’t right there, staring me in the face).

  18. It looks like the professor is critiquing Streetrabbit’s Gil Scott-Heron invocation.

    It’s afraid of its shadow. It’s devouring its young. It’s not living up to its reputation. Its song? It’s unsung.

  19. Sounds random to me. Especially when you see this particular error, oh, about every other web page in the entire Internet.

  20. Aauuuugh you said ‘it’ again, aaaaaaaaa now i’ve said ‘it’, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghhghghghghgh

  21. “Then attempting to run a police blockade in its ’74 Charger before ”

    It is right there

  22. Could the following be interpreted both ways?

    “Creating a media circus by announcing it’s running for public office”

    A true conundrum.

    And thank goodness its not just me.

  23. “Then attempting to run a police blockade in its ’74 Charger before”

    No, that’s actually correct. english professor says so:

    “its = the possessive form of it”

    Unless you mean that sentence is correct, which is true.

  24. This just in,

    Bill Gates has been shot – full of pain killer.

    The latest information is that Jim Allchin (he’s actually very skinny) and Steve Ballmer had to hold his hand and wave a hankie in his face, “Because he got the vapors this morning,” CEO Steve Monkeyboy Baller said. “We don’t know if he’s going to survive. Jim Allchin has been talking to every press person he can get to stop and listen to him, but Bill just didn’t find that enough to draw him out of his funk.”

    “Yeah,” said Allchin with his usual alacrity.

    “Um,” said Allchin, “What’s alacrity? Oh never mind. You have to understand, Apple is copying Microsoft! Ever since we announced Longhorn it’s been ‘Spotlight this, and Widget that,’ and nobody can get a word in edgewise! I’m sick of it! We invented all of those things! They’re ours! Ours! Ours! Ours!”

    With that, both Ballmer and Allchin were collapsed and were admitted to the hospital in Redmond. Disagnosis: corporate mental breakdown.

    And that’s the way it was… oh wait, that was Uncle Walty’s line.


  25. you become naked

    the ghost of yoko o-

    wait a damn minute…

    “Sounds random to me. Especially when you see this particular error, oh, about every other web page in the entire Internet.”

    Try every other corporate secretary’s desk and/or customer service rep’s memos.

    Oh, sorry, according to them, it would be “memo’s.” Yes. I bought some memo’s. Please take me to they’re car so that we can eat pizza’s with there apple’s.

    How is you’re house today.

    I know this because I em’ty they’re tra’sh.

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