Apple To Embark On New Era of Ill-Advised Decisions.

Since announcing that future Macs will come with Intel Inside, much virtual ink has been spilled speculating on whether or not Apple will allow OS X to run on non-Apple hardware.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has confirmed that the company will offer a version of OS X that will run on Intel-based hardware from any vendor. The operating system is expected to run just as poorly as Windows but with fewer applications.

The company intends to make up for this by offering OS X for free. Apple will open-source the entire Mac operating system and hopes to entice people into buying Macs by selling them for $1. The company will make its revenues almost entirely off of the kind donations of elderly benefactors, who the company will cat-sit for when they go to Florida and Arizona during the winter.

Additionally many of the company’s senior executives will don leotards and fight crime, despite having no super powers or, frankly, the bodies for spandex. Tuesdays will be “free punch day” when anyone can come in and give their favorite (or least favorite) Apple executive a free shot to the gut.

But these are not the only ill-advised moves the company is making.

The Newton operating system will be brought back to life and made to run on every single hardware platform ever known to man. Apple expects a porting and code management project like this will sap all of the resources of the company, but believes that OS X’s continued development will be picked up by well-meaning elves and fairies of the Woodland Realm.

The operating system powering the iPod will be altered only slightly and then deployed to several large nuclear plants as their primary control system. Problems with the iPod where it just skips some songs or cuts them off unexpectedly or always starts up with the same song no matter where you left off the last time are not expected to effect the nation’s nuclear power program.

Although Apple admits the Bricks game will now be life-or-death.

System 7.5 will be ported to an original 1967 Amana Radarange and repackaged as Apple’s flagship product, the Retro Micro Mac, which will unevenly heat your food and crash all of your applications when you just try to print something.

The company is also reportedly considering returning to an all 16-bit lineup and speaking in pig latin for an entire week. It’s also talked about suddenly moving in with that guy its been dating for two weeks. Sure, he has a lot of financial problems and is unstable emotionally, but the company is sooooo in love with him.