Virus, Anti-Virus Makers Announce Accord on MacIntel Platform

A recent study from the University of California has confirmed a long-held belief by many followers of Apple: the Macintosh universe is almost completely devoid of dudes with mustaches.

Based on results of a 2003 census of Mac users, a series of interviews with long-time Mac users and examination of photographic evidence from Macworld expos, Apple Store video surveillance and .Mac photo collections, researchers were unable to find any individuals sporting only a mustache.

University of California graduate student Sam Almonte said they found “Lots of goatees, Van Dykes, troll patches, beards and a startlingly large number of attempts at those, but no one with just a mustache.

“Think about it. Have you ever seen someone with just a mustache using a Mac? I’ll bet you haven’t. They are the snow leopard of the Macintosh community. Rare. Elusive.

“And… uh… well, furry.”

Some speculated that dudes with mustaches tend to deliberately opt out of owning a Macintosh and are more drawn to the PC.

Sociologist Ron Garrity of the University of Oregon noted “Dudes with mustaches are usually cops, porn stars or nominees for ambassador to the UN – all of which are professions with statistically very few Mac users. The Mac user/mustache-wearing population is extremely small. I don’t have the statistics in front of me… but it’s, like, one in a billion. Or a trillion.

“And, see, I don’t even know if there are a trillion Mac users.”

A number of long-time Mac users felt sure they had seen a dude with a mustache using a Mac at some point in the last twenty years.

“I’m sure there was a guy who had a mustache at a Mac user group I went to once,” said Macintouch editor Ric Ford. “Admittedly, it was 1992.”

Later Ford blurted out suddenly “Wait, I had a mustache once!

“No, wait, that was a dream. I remember because I was twenty feet tall and my hands were these great big honey-baked hams…”

Apple declined to speculate on whether or not it would actively pursue the dudes with mustaches demographic based on this research.

Virus designers and anti-virus software makers announced the extension of their accord on Intel processors running versions of Microsoft Windows to future so-called MacIntel platforms, running OS X on chips from Intel.

As has long been known, anti-virus software companies work hand-in-hand with virus designers to create a symbiotic relationship that keeps the companies in business. Virus coders are later hired by the anti-virus companies as “subject-matter experts” and receive lucrative compensation packages.

Other industries that work the same way are pop-up blocking, Satanic soul harvesting and the recording industry.

The arrangement between anti-virus software makers and virus coders has at least one industry mogul caught in its web.

“I feel helpless in their grasp,” said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, dabbing his eyes with a tissue, and sobbing slightly.

Gates was quickly reminded by an underling, however, that Microsoft had recently purchased anti-virus and anti-spyware software vendors.

“Oooh! Yay!” the Microsoft chief technologist screeched, stamping his feet and pumping his tiny fists in the air.

Apple is determined to get in on the deal Microsoft has arranged.

Apple has decided to provide virus and anti-virus developers with free Intel-based Macs and millions of dollars in funding to support their work. Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller will also create two 30-minute videos – one castigating virus makers and one praising anti-virus programmers.

And then two more doing the opposite.

Apple will offer repeated “service packs” that give users what psychiatrists describe as “learned helplessness” – locking them into a cycle of upgrading.

Mac users can look forward to spending countless hours running anti-virus software and cursing violently at their computers.