Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I’ve owned a number of Macs over the years – an Classic, a Quadra and now a G5 iMac – and one thing has always troubled me. If the Apple executives were all characters from “Happy Days”, who would Phil Schiller be?
A: Uh… characters from “Happy Days”?
Q: Yeah. I mean, most of them are obvious. Steve Jobs would be the Fonz, Avie Tevanian would be Potsie, Peter Oppenheimer would be Howard Cunningham, Ron Johnson would be Ralph Malph…
A: Rubinstein would be Chuck, the brother that they disappeared.
Q: Right. But who would Schiller be?
A: Oh! Carmine Ragusa.
Q: What? No, no, no. He was from “Laverne and Shirley”.
A: Well, yes, but he did appear on “Happy Days” in one or two episodes.
Q: Hmm. That’s a little thin.
A: It’s a good fit, though.
Q: Hmm. OK. Well, what about “Lost in Space”?
A: Major Don West.
Q: I concur.

Q: I’ve been having problems with my Power Mac G5. First I was having trouble getting it to recognize my older scanner that I had connected by a SCSI card I installed. I managed to fix that by banging the SCSI connector further into the port with a hammer.
A: Well, that’s good because that’s what I would have suggested.
Q: OK. So then I was trying to copy my music library from the G5 to my iBook and I tried to get it into target disk mode but instead of getting that radiation symbol I got an upside down pentagram.
A: No you didn’t.
Q: Well… no. But it didn’t work. But my real problems are all with software. I haven’t done a clean install since I installed OS X 10.0 and my Library is, like, 145 GB.
A: No it isn’t.
Q: Actually, yes, it is.
A: Ooh.
Q: So… I’ve got a lot of problems here. What should I do?
A: Phew. You’re kind of all over the place, dude.
Q: I know. I know.
A: Hmm. Well, I think we have to go with something radical here.
Q: OK. I’m ready for radical. I can’t live like this anymore!
A: OK. Here we go… Throw your Macs out the window!
Q: Wh-what? I’m on the ninth floor!
A: Throw them out the window! Open the window and throw them out! It’s the only way to solve all of your problems!
Q: Uh… OK! OK! I’ll go do it now!
A: … Oh, my god, he’s going to do it. I can’t believe it.
YAMAMOTO: I told you. Pay up. Five bucks.
A: Can I write you a check?
YAMAMOTO: Noooooooooo…

Q: What a minute! You’re… you’re just toying with us!
A: What? No. Nooo! We take our obligation as… um… as… uh… er…
Q: …
A: Wait. Wait. Don’t help me. It’ll come to me.
Q: You don’t even know what you’re supposed to be doing.
A: Yes I do! It has something to do with… um…
Q: Yes?
A: Don’t push me! It’s all about… uh…
Q: Hmm?
A: Uh… well… Does it have anything to do with pie?
Q: Mmm… no.
A: Oh. Maybe I’m just hungry.
Q: Uh-huh.

33 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Moltz,

    I protest.

    I’ve been sitting here pressing the refresh button for fifteen hours and posted as soon as Help Desk appeared. Owing to the fact that my entry has to cross an ocean powered by this new fangled electricity gas, I have been denied my rightful place as first poster.

    What are you going to do about it?

  2. Perhaps Nxxx should switch to the new phlogiston powered G7 with Tesla powered ethernet death rays, or by some other igneous driving fluid based machine. Electricity is after all a fad. Pshaw!

  3. “Argee”?

    jp have you been drinking again?

    And I’ll do the first post assigning around here, thank you very much.

    Look, we here at Crazy Apple Rumors Site and its parent company Giant Squid Productions can’t be held responsible for physics. That’s absurd. Ridiculous. Preposterous.


    OK, maybe the Entity can be held responsible for physics. But he’s not here right now. You’ll have to call back later.

  4. CARS staff,

    is the point of this help desk that our “happy days” are over and we are lost and alone in this techno”IL”logical space? that our spiritual SCSI cards need a virtual banging? that the CARS staff has lost that loving feeling? or maybe that it all comes back to pie?

    please advise,

    pseudo pete

    (looking for a philosophy paper topic)

  5. Oh man! Are you all nuts over there at the CARS headquarters!!! Throw a Macintosh out the window? That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard.

    I sure hope you guys were there with a big net to catch the computers in and just faked the crash.

    …Yeah, that must be it, that crash sounded a little off to me.


  6. Thank you John, for not revoking my first post. I was getting a bit worried there.

    My pants thank you as well.

    Oh, Psyko- I think the crash was the pile of peecees the Mac landed on to soften the blow.


  7. The fact that you left out the Happy Days leader makes me think you’re trying to make us think that Schiller would be Richie Cunningham.

    That’s sick Moltz. You need help.

  8. I received a G5 on my car. Can I link this to my insurance Company?

    Oh! Hungry. That’s the word I was searching. Bucarest. In Hungry.

    (I know: its Budapest. Bucarest’s in Rmania)

  9. Do not worry. CARS approached us, Noise Effect Experts, to make a noise like a Power Mac G5, dropping nine storeys and hitting pavement. We arranged with the Help Line client for a net on the eighth floor, so his machine is all right except for his previous problems. Another success for CARS.

    Unfortunately the only way we could obtain a convincing sound was by dropping a Power Mac G5 from the ninth floor. One unfortunate Power Mac G5 owner will soon find he has been burgled. Suggest that apply to CARS for compensation.

  10. First off Go see Serenity, There is Shiny, ponies, and a sexbot!

    Second off, I imagine a entity hoodes shirt that said something like

    “Community service in this dimension blows.”

  11. Hungary. The country is spelled “Hungary”.

    Oh, and there’s an ‘o’ in Romania.

  12. I say whoever has had their G5 stolen should get the Help Desk guy’s. Since he thinks that it is broken, he won’t miss it.

    Where did that G5 end up anyway?

  13. Whatever people, I can’t quite figure out what you are all saying. All I know is that nobody better have hurt a Mac, or I will be very mad.


  14. Congrats Huh?! I’ve been rooting for you.

    Finally, the drought is over. You truly are numero uno, top dog, big chief, head honcho, cow of cows, the reincarnation of Steve himself.

    I bow to your greatness and enormity.

    grovel, grovel, grovel…


  15. Psyko,

    Let me assure you that the Power Mac G5 enjoyed it’s last meal and was anaesthetised before it’s descent to Apple heaven. It did not feel a thing.

  16. Why, thanks Zeb.

    But I could never approach the enormity of Steve….

    I’m just another cog in the great Mac-ness of life.

    Now, my pants……


  17. If life were a cartoon, any Mac thrown out a window would soon reappear, good as new, with a new scheme to catch the roadrunner. So maybe it’s a valid technical solution.

  18. Actually, the G5 is more like the Road Runner, so it would just keep falling through the hole painted in the street by Wile E. Coyote (represented in this case by a PC).

    Then it would return, run behind Coyote and “meep-meep” him, which would then startle him into a Blue Screen of Death.

  19. One cannot help but wonder if the Apple execs ever read this … or get told about the contents, anyway.

    I just have this mental picture of Schiller being told that he’s Don West. Or of Steve being told he’s the Fonz, actually.

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