Apple Tweaks Video Downloads.

In a disturbing sign for the continued success of video sales through the highly misnamed iTunes Music Store, Apple abruptly announced several changes to the sale of video content.

Starting tomorrow, the video portion of the inappropriately monikered iTunes Music Store will now be called “The Lost Store” to prevent confusion.

“We found in our late testing of the store that most everyone was really just looking to download episodes of Lost,” said Apple Senior Vice President of Sales and Operations Tim Cook.

“The other shows? Turns out, not so much.”

Cook said the company believes it can substantially drive sales by making it clear where customers should go to download the one television show on the store that they might be interested in.

“I sure hope they make a lot of that show…” he mused. “‘Cause Timmy needs a new pair of shoes.”

Cook pointed to his shoes which did, indeed, look worn.

Additionally, in a move that is expected to be highly unpopular, Apple has decided to add the commercials back in to each television episode.

“Steve [Jobs] made the decision after seeing that Bacardi and Cola ad, which he thought was very clever,” said Apple Senior Vice President of the iPod Division Jon Rubinstein.

“I didn’t find it very funny. Maybe because I don’t really drink.

“Oh, I might have a Fuzzy Navel or a London Fog every now and again…”

Finally, in order to sweeten the deal for customers, the company is throwing in a 15-minute video of Steve Jobs having trouble opening a can of Tahini, set to Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries, with each purchase.

Apple, other than the senior executives above, declined to comment for this story.

35 thoughts on “Apple Tweaks Video Downloads.”

  1. So Steve has an occasional London Fog. We get the bloody things all the time.

    Anyway Moltz, isn’t this your drinking day? Enjoy your Fuzzy Navels.

  2. ‘Cuarto! Near to first, but need training’

    Uh…just so you know that means room not 4th! Or quarter.

  3. Actual quote: “I love the smell of Lesbian Ninja Sexbots in the morning!”

    Definitely a must-have video.

    Oh, and Michael Dell is a poopy-pants.

  4. Hey, I’ll have you know that I downloaded the 3rd Episode of Night Stalker, so it’s not just Lost episodes. Mainly I downloaded it because they had it for sale before the episode actually aired and i got to taunt the people at work all day yesterday about how I had seen it and they hadn’t.

    I see that as the true selling point of the store. See lost episodes before their aired and ruin the surprises for everyone else. Apple will make hundreds!

  5. I decline to comment on this.

    My pants,however are rather vocal about this subject and wish to express their displeasure that only the one video of Steve is being released. As a single episode in a series of twenty, it surely cannot stand on it’s own and will eventually be doomed to the bargan bin with the rest of the crappy shows.

    Or something like that….


  6. I have been reading the comments on this site for only just a short time and would like to say what a waste of time it is going through the first 11 posts (for the most part) because of some bizarre self gratification that seems to be going on here. “I’m First!” “I’m Second!”… “I’m 11th!” – Who is posting here, a bunch of 9 year olds? I’m only 7 and is this what I have to look forward to? Is that all there is? I think I was born on the wrong planet. Somebody get me off. I will pay you all the money in my piggy. I’m not sure how much is in there but it’s heavy.

    If that can’t be accommodated then maybe someone can write some code that will let me hide the first 11 comments. Maybe it’s already been done on Firefox, I don’t know, I haven’t checked that in awhile. Maybe that’s what I’ll go and do now…

  7. to Waste of Time Posts Guy: don’t complain about all the childish posts. What, do you go watch basketball and make fun of the guys bouncing the ball?

    It’s all part of the game. I’m losing, of course, but that’s okay.

  8. uuumm…13. I mean I’m thirteen… hahah… How could I forget… huh. Stupid me. I mean I’m clearly thirteen. hahah. Otherwise I wasn’t allowed to read this site, wasn’t I? See?

  9. Okay, so I like this new video thing. Eventually, you’ll be able to download all my football games with the Kansas City Chiefs. You won’t ever need to download anything again after that. I mean, who wants to watch TV that doesn’t have me playing football?

    That and maybe our new cheerleaders, who happen to be lesbian ninja sexbot cowgirls.

    Yeeee haaaawwww! Now that Marty’s away, the players will…um…mmmm…

    Well, we will! And Apple will let you watch!

    Hoo yah!

    (Niners suck.)

  10. “What, do you go watch basketball and make fun of the guys bouncing the ball?”

    Naw, I don’t even understand basketball. How come their shorts are so baggy?

  11. Hot damn!! Looks like Timmy’ll be gettin’ them shoes after all.

    Bow before me you mere mortals! I shall soon possess cosmic shoe powers.

    Senior Vice Presidents are so whimpy, so last year. I am soon to be crowned “Chief *something* Officer!!”

    That means I’ll get to have dinner at Steve’s house, which kind of sucks since I’m not Vegan. And I’ll get a key to that washroom with the bright light streaming out from under the door and the angelic voices emanating from it. I’ve always wondered what goes on in there.

    What I’m looking forward to most is the end of Avie’s noogies after staff meetings. He pulls that on me again and I’ll unleash my shoe powers on his…unnamed anatomical component!!

    I RULE or at lease I soon will.

  12. Congrats Timmy. It was obviously the plug you got here that propelled you to the top spot.

    Moltz (who I really am) has special plug powers. Well, the Entity (who I am not and who has been suspiciously quiet lately) apparently lost them to him in a strip poker game. Or so I hear.

  13. #31

    I like the childish post numbering and the clamoring for FROST PIST. This is CARS, not friggin’ C/NET News (which BTW, blows donkeys) for shit’s sake. I supposes someone who gave a crap could get the comment system to number the posts automagically, but what the hell would we do then? If the peeps are going to have their posts pre-numbered for them by “The Man” and there’s a surge of on-topic and relevant posts, then count me the tittyfuck out. Thank you, and God Bless the USA!!!! [cue the Star Spangled Banner]


  14. Will Tim Cook drop the “k” off his name now he’s the COO? Yeah! He could be Tim Coo. I bet he does.

    Can I have the “k” Tim?

    Then I can be Streetrabbitk.

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