Apple announced today that it will be pulling the iPod nano in response to a class action law suit claiming the company sold a defective product that scratches too easily.
The company is taking the lawsuit rather hard, as was apparent at a press conference on the Apple campus today.
“We wanted to do something nice for digital music listeners,” said CEO Steve Jobs, frowning and shaking his head sadly. “But, I see that a few malcontents are determined to spoil a good time for everyone.”
According to Chief Operating Officer Tim Cook, it was litigation such as this that ruined the Thing Maker.
“Apparently,” Cook said, “a couple of sissies had to go cry to their mommas because their nanos got a little scratchy-watchied. Well, I don’t know why they didn’t keep them in their man-purses for protection in the first place. You know what I’m saying? It’s not just me, right?”
When nano-philes pleaded with Jobs to allow the product to continue to be sold, Jobs crossed his arms and looked away.
“No, no, no! If everyone’s not happy with it, that’s fine! I don’t mind! Really! But I won’t sell it unless everyone’s happy! I will turn this company right around and we can just all sit at home playing the ukulele or the recorder or something instead of listening to lots of fresh digital music.
“If that’s what everyone wants, that’s fine with me! I’m not going to slave away to make these nice products for you… products I ask nothing more than your money for… products I put my heart and soul into…”
Jobs sniffed and wiped away a tear as a concerned Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller ran up and put his arm around him.
“Look what you’re doing to him!” Schiller said. “You’re tearing him apart!”
No word yet on whether or not the Apple guilt trip has had any effect on the class action. The company intends to keep it up until the suit is dropped or it is forced to resurface every iPod nano sold in shiny diamonds.