Apple Releases Broadband Tuner.

Apple release Broadband Tuner 1.0 today, which the company claims will “tweak some system parameters” to improve broadband performance.

What the company doesn’t say is that this set of patches actually does not carry out any performance tuning but simply plugs a hole the company has been exploiting in its own software that adversely affected throughput.

According to sources within the OS X group, Apple has been running its own SETI@Home-style distributed computing projects using the spare CPU cycles of its customers’ Macs and the data traffic carried out by these projects has been needlessly sapping bandwidth.

Sources claim that Apple had surreptitiously been using the computers of its customers to calculate:

  • The number of calories CEO Steve Jobs would need to burn if he were to roll in a pile of $1 bills representing all the money the company has made off of the iPod line long enough to touch each one at least once.
  • How many beautiful babes Apple CFO Peter Oppenheimer could “make it with” if he were “available”.
  • How much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
  • Some totally bitching 3-D renderings of some bad-assed starships with phasers and photon torpedoes and shit that Senior Vice President of the iPod division Jon Rubinstein designed in his spare time with some buddies using some tracing paper and the Star Trek Technical Manual in his parent’s basement.
  • How many beautiful babes Apple CFO Peter Oppenheimer could “make it with” if he were “available” (Monte Carlo simulation).
  • The value of pi to the last digit. Not because they gave a damn, just because they could.

While it has now terminated these calculations, Apple has refused to respond to these charges officially.

However, CFO Peter Oppenheimer has indicated that he is not currently considering any changes in his personal life given certain data that has recently been presented to him.

Although he would have been interested in seeing the results of the Monte Carlo simulation.

24 thoughts on “Apple Releases Broadband Tuner.”

  1. So…… How about the cricket then?

    It would be nice if Pakistan beat England in a close finish..

    Aaargh. I always knew my machine was running slow because Steve was watching… always watching…

    Damn! Sorry

  2. That explains why, when I look for a bank balance I’ve got billions of quids, when I know I’m overdrawn.

  3. Is that Monte Carlo as in the car? Because I doubt that chicks really like those anymore.

    You know, “Monte Carlo” reminds me of “Monte Cristo” which is way better.

    Because Oppenheimer as the Count of Monte Cristo would be freakin’ cool.

    There you go. Next article: Oppenheimer banished to prison island, only to return rich and ready for revenge.

  4. Can’t comment… must study up on Monte Carlo simulations.

    You can’t say this site isn’t educational, in a sort of indirect way.

    Well, you CAN say it. It’s a free country. I think.

  5. No lame set-ups like Oppenheimer would need to “make it” and I read the damn thing. Actually twice, cause I’m slow and could read the woodchuck crap too fast.

  6. You moron… It’s “Monte Crisco”, not “Monte Cristo”. Cristo is that awful lard substitute, Monte Crisco is the mountaintop embassy in Italy that was bombed by the Allies because German machine guns were holed up in there.

    Some people… furrfu!

    Oh yeah: pants.

  7. I could go for a Monte Cristo sandwich right about now. So many calories. I used to dip my [TEXT REDACTED BY STEVE JOBS] pants!

    Yeah. Good times…

  8. Remember when plugging holes to purchase my iiplugii. It is much more reliable than the iPlug an 80% less likely to explode.

  9. The last digit of Pi was either a one or a zero (in binary) when I was in school. It kept changing, though, depending how far you went.

    Calculating pie was easier because you could bake it in a square panand get rid of those pesky curve things.

  10. Too late, it already came and went.

    And woodchucks could chuck wood, but they’d rather not, thank you very much.

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