Shocking Revelation Shakes Apple World.

The Apple world was shocked yet again today when a combination of economic, sociological and biological data indicated that Apple makes all of its profits from the sale of technological devices that you don’t really need.

According to a Wall Street firm that is bullish on Apple, the company is currently enjoying above market growth.

But according to experts, none of the company’s products directly fulfill the basic needs of human existence.

“You can, in fact, continue to live without purchasing any Apple product,” said anthro-biologist Clint Rierson of the University of Illinois. “I know that to some it may seem a dark, dreary existence, but putting away technological devices for a while may make you appreciate some of the simpler things in life.

“Like… um… well, there’s… uh… um… er… uh… liquor? I actually don’t know.

“Maybe you could just Google ‘simpler things in life’ before you put the iBook away.”

Some Apple customers are still struggling with this revelation.

“I just realized the other day that I totally didn’t need that iPod I bought last month,” said Apple customer Evan Sao. “First of all, it’s my second iPod. I have a 20 GB iPod and I just wanted a nano.

“They’re so boss,” Sao said, gently caressing his iPod nano, so as not to scratch it.

“I’m thinking of getting another.”

Looking up suddenly, Sao asked “What the hell is the matter with me?”

Apple, however, denied the assertion that its products are anything but essential to human existence.

“Evan is mistaken,” a straight-faced Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller said. “He totally did need that extra iPod. He may be confused because ‘did’ and ‘didn’t’ sound somewhat similar. They’re actually antonyms, however.

“We advise Apple customers that if they want to stay healthy and alive, they’ll check out the great values at our Holiday Wish List section.”

Schiller went on to claim that Mac minis are used by certain indigenous peoples to create shelters and that, in a pinch, users can survive on one Final Cut Pro DVD for days, if properly rationed.

Despite Apple’s denial, much of this revelation seems incontrovertible. But there is a silver lining. While an iPod or a Mac may not actually satisfy the basic physical needs of human existence, there is ample evidence to conclude that they do fulfill many of the spiritual needs.

25 thoughts on “Shocking Revelation Shakes Apple World.”

  1. No see, the wish list may appear not to be working, but it is in fact the silver linking referred to – if you have a connection from your computer all the way to Apple’s server made from silver wire, then it works.

    We don’t, so it doesn’t. I hope that clears it up.

  2. Lining!

    I got it!

    Ha-ha! It’s “lining” not “linking”!

    Take THAT Spell Czech!

    No, I’m sorry. That’s mean. Spell Czech provides a valuable service.

  3. Ah, dammit, Poised. You had to go and comment on that before I could post my comment on that. Now it looks like I’m just responding to your comment instead of posting my own, unprompted comment.

    Of course, I could just delete your comment…

    But that would be wrong.

  4. Hey John, since you can delete comments, hop on over to the Giga-Post and delete the unsightly and useless porn-spam comments.

  5. Is there a Church of the Latter Day Apples? If not we should found one, as the Apple owner’s income is way above the average, so there’s good money in that collection plate.

  6. I notice that Schiller didn’t say anything about whether he can fly or not.

    Oh, that Schiller — he plays it close to the vest, all right.

  7. Yesterday I was eleventh. Good thing too because that post was much funnier than this one. I mean come on…silver linings?

    I survive on Apple by having a nice big bowl of Nanos for breakfast.

  8. “While an iPod or a Mac may not actually satisfy the basic physical needs of human existence, there is ample evidence to conclude that they do fulfill many of the spiritual needs.”

    Well, now it can be told. Steve Jobs is iGod.

  9. When you google “simpler things in life” the first result is to a photoblog. So apparently photoblogs are the simplest things in life, according to google.

  10. I like to caress my nano also.

    Espicially when it’s still in my pants…


    I just shared way too much, didn’t I?


  11. Actually, I really thought that the simplest thing in life was the Joy of Tech’s iPod single. You know, the one that was created in the alternate universe with only one button, one MB of storage space?

  12. Like many here it seems, I too made the mistake of Googling for “simpler things in life” – dammit Moltz how do you make us do these things, it’s like subliminal messages or something – but all i seemed to get was lots of singles ads for Montana, Colorado, Miami and Columbus. That’s the last thing you need if you want a simple life!

  13. So instead of fixing the “wish list” link, he just deletes it… Thanks a lot Moltz. Now my first post comment is that much less relevant.

    (As if any of these posts are relevant, generally)

    *joins blank in the pit of nihilism*

  14. wi is googling “simpler things in life” a mistake? i did it, and im still here!!

    ..shall i spare myself the embarasment and just join u lot in the umbrella stand now?

Comments are closed.