Month: March 2006

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Crazy Apple Help Desk offers tips for what you can do to keep your Mac safe.

Q: I’m horribly concerned about the OS X Trojan that does nothing malevolent. So concerned that I have trouble sleeping at night and when I finally do fall asleep at 3:00 AM I have nightmares about the Trojan invasion of Tyre. Bunch of dudes in skirts running around… Horrible. Just horrible. Anyway, can you expound at length today, eschewing all other questions, on how I should best deal with the current security crisis… or epidemic… call it an epidemic if you like… facing the Mac?

A: As you well know, we here at Crazy Apple Help Desk have a vast experience with Macs, OS X, security issues and hot, steamy sex with Salma Hayek that far outweighs that of any of our readers.

Don’t go to Chris Breen or John Gruber or Rob Griffiths if you want help on any of those subjects, either.

Although I heard Breen actually nailed Crystal Bernard once. Which, you know, that’s great and all, I guess, but it was in 1988 and he won’t stop talking about it.

At any rate, allow us to dip into our impressive breadth of knowledge and convey at least a small portion of it to you as best we can.

I’m talking about Mac security, not sex with Salma.

That’s between us and Salma.

But allow us to just reiterate:

Hot.

And.

Steamy.

But for the purposes of this discussion – the one about OS X security threats and how best to protect yourself – that’s neither here nor there.

Still…

…

Hot and steamy.

…

OK.

The most certain means of protecting your Mac is to not, under any circumstances, remove it from the box. This is a classic rookie mistake. A lot of switchers, for example, will make this mistake. Typical Windows user. Rush to get the computer out of the box, get yourself all excited and then like thirty seconds later they’re all apologies, “Oh, my god, I can’t believe it! That’s never happened before! Oh, I’m so sorry! I can usually go a lot longer than that!”

Yeah, right, Windows boy.

Anyway, if at all possible, keep your Mac in the box it came in and place it in a spare room and lock the door from the inside.

Tell no one.

Except your clergyman.

Apparently there’s some sort of mojo they can do to keep the devil out.

Depending on your denomination. I mean, if you’re a Unitarian, don’t even go there, girlfriend.

Also, many people do not take the term “fire wall” literally enough. Tricking your router out by painting it like a van with flames and a big Frank Frazetta of a dude with a sword probably won’t keep it safe from malware, but it will make you look like a real badass.

That’s gotta be worth something.

Finally, uh, don’t open files from strangers and make sure Safari’s set to not automatically open downloads.

G’nite!

Q: …

You didn’t have sex with Salma Hayek.

A: Um…

Well…

…it was dark.

Apple to Open Tech Support Facility In India.

An Indian news service reported today that Apple, following the lead of hundreds of other American companies, is opening a massive technical support center in India.

Almost immediately, a whine of epic proportions went up from the Macintosh community, largely consisting of concerns that Indians:

  • Possibly because they had to live under the rule of the British Empire for almost 200 years, still speak English with a “reel funnay accent.”
  • Despite being college educated and hard working, the fact that they were born into a society with a lower cost and standard of living somehow means they’re stupid or incompetent.

One legitimate concern was that forcing someone named Harischandra to answer the phone “Hello, my name is Harry. How may I help you?” may be considered an international human rights violation.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Apple has instituted the following measures to ensure that the help desk service delivered by its Indian call center is on par with or exceeding the company’s existing reputation for quality:

  • The hit movie Monsoon Wedding will be a free iTunes download to help acclimate Apple customers to the Indian accent.
  • All support question will be answered in the form of a light-hearted Bollywood musical number, featuring hundreds of dancers, a full orchestra with a zither and a bansuri, and a lot of head movement and coy blinking and smiling meant to convey such topics as “Please reboot in single-user mode.”
  • The company will only be hiring hot, buxom Indian women such as are depicted in any illustrated edition of the Kama Sutra.
  • Every 100th help desk caller is allowed to skip the Hindu cycles of death and rebirth and go straight to enlightenment.

Apple declined to comment officially for this story but sources say that CEO Steve Jobs has taken up Bikram yoga in the last month.

Apple Running Out of Kool-Aid.

Apple reported disturbing news today that has some doubting the company’s continued ability to stay profitable.

According to CFO Peter Oppenheimer who spoke to analysts in a conference call, the company is running disturbingly low on Kool-Aid brand non-carbonated soft drink, which – as any Apple follower knows – is what keeps its base of loyal fans coming back for more.

“Drinking the Kool-Aid” has become an rite of passage for the Mac faithful, although many people outside the Mac community are not aware that the phrase is literal, not figurative.

Drawing a parallel to the company’s previous problems getting supplies of PowerPC chips from Motorola and IBM, Oppenheimer said that Kraft Foods has been unable to meet Apple’s demand as the success of the iPod and the Mac have swelled its customer base.

“Without a sufficient strategic supply of Kool-Aid brand beverage,” Oppenheimer said, “we will not be able to maintain control of our army of zombie underlings.

“I mean our customers. I meant to say ‘customers.’ ‘Valued customers.’ That’s what I mean to say.”

Oppenheimer did say that Apple has been working with other vendors to see if generic brands might be imbued with the same properties as the very specific type of Kool-Aid Kraft Foods has been making for the company for over 20 years. So far, results have been less than promising.

“Several test subjects felt mildly compelled to buy a copy of iWork,” Oppenheimer said, “but ultimately they wandered out of the Apple Store and… um… well, sadly, into traffic. Very… very tragic.

“One of the side effects of our Kool-Aid is, however, a certain slow-wittedness exhibited by a glassy look in the eyes. You’ll see that look on most of our zom… uh, customers.”

Oppenheimer said that tests will continue while Kraft Foods is looking into expanding its capacity to create powdered sugar capable of mind control.

Apple’s stock was down -0.65 on the news.

Junior Apple Executives Whipping Pennies At Cars.

The government reported today that U.S. productivity fell at a -0.5 annual rate in the fourth quarter and, as if to accentuate this decline, several junior Apple executives were seen standing on de Anza Blvd. whipping pennies at passing cars this afternoon.

Around 2:00 PM Pacific time, Worldwide Director of iPod Product Marketing Stan Ng, Senior Director of Desktop Product Marketing Tom Boger, Vice President of Application Marketing Rob Schoeben and several other unidentified junior Apple executives were standing along the main thoroughfare in front of the Apple campus drinking Mountain Dew fortified with rum. Periodically they pulled pennies out of their pockets and whipped them at passing cars, laughing derisively.

The group ran off only once when old man Jenkins stopped his 1960 Buick LeSabre to lean out the window and shake his fist at them.

“Goooooooood damn punks!” Jenkins yelled.

While old man Jenkins was willing to stand up to Ng and his posse, Apple’s senior executive corps has so far declined to.

“I’ve washed my hands of the whole thing,” said CEO Steve Jobs. “If they want to waste their lives by causing mischief, strutting about in those tight leather pants and riding around on those scooters… whaddaya call ’em… mopeds… that’s their decision.”

Asked why Jobs did not make sure that this behavior reflected negatively on their performance reviews, he laughed sardonically.

“Oh, please! Then they’d be moping around here, sighing heavily, stomping their feet and otherwise acting like ungrateful wretches. I’d rather have them out there on the street.

“I’d rather have them out there on the street!” Jobs shouted, pounding his fist on the table.

After a pause Jobs said “No, that’s terrible. I don’t mean that.”

Apple Asking Intel Users To Switch Back.

After published reports of problems with Intel-based Macs, Apple was forced to concede today that the entire switch has been an abject failure.

“Clearly because of these issues, the switch to Intel has been an unmitigated disaster,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs.

“We advise customers who have purchase an Intel-based Mac to stampede in an unorderly fashion to the nearest Apple Store – waving their hands over their heads and screaming at the top of their lungs – to get a PowerPC-based Mac.

“If you must step on the backs of elderly people who have fallen down in front of you,” Jobs continued, “please do not hesitate to do so. The stability of your computing experience should not be held hostage by the old or infirm.”

There has been some speculation that Apple would further ask users to switch back to OS 9 in order to insure that they do not suffer from either the recently released Oompa-Loompa Trojan or the Safari shell script execution exploit.

While not necessarily representative of the views of Apple Computer as a company, some advocated going even further.

“Your best bet is an SE/30 running System 6.0.8,” said Peter Mehring, head of Apple hardware engineering. “That’s a rock-solid computing environment. The SE/30… now that was a machine. That’s what I use.

“People these days go on and on about ‘protected memory’ and ‘multitasking’ and… um… ‘hot swappable drive bays’… which sounds vaguely dirty to me. ‘Hot swappable.’ Disgusting.

“Really, we should have stopped making computers in 1989. That’s why I, personally, haven’t done a serious day’s work since then.”

Apple is feverishly trying to find a vendor to crank out PowerPC chips and reportedly has settled on a couple of guys living in rural Michigan who own a metal press.