Month: May 2006

Apple's Retail Success Due To Magical Spreadsheet.

[Because of a disagreement between staff reporter Chet MacGruder and myself over sourcing for today’s story on Apple’s retail success, the Entity decided we should run both stories. Personally, I couldn’t care less. If MacGruder wants to continue to embarrass himself by getting his rumors from Gordy down at the Gas-N-Sip, that’s fine with me.

People seem to keep reading them, so it’s no skin off my back. Anyway, my rumor is, like, double sourced from Schiller and, um… Jennifer Fricking Connelly.

OK, not really, but I’m totally sure it’s accurate. Totally.]

While recent reports of Apple’s retail success have early detractors of the company’s decision to open its own stores eating crow, sources indicate it may have less to do with the strength of Apple’s product offering than the effect of a magical spreadsheet.

According to Apple Senior Accountant Glenn Theisen, any numbers he inputs into the magical spreadsheet simply become the Apple retail sales figures for the month.

“I type the figures in here,” Theisen said, demonstrating, “And through the powers of the dark arts, our retail stores will generate exactly those figures in sales.

“ALL HAIL SATAN!” Theisen cried out, falling to his knees and raising his arms in supplication.

After a moment, Theisen picked himself up, saying “Actually, I’m a Presbyterian. I really shouldn’t do that.”

Theisen first created the magical retail spreadsheet in 2001 when Apple launched its first retail stores and it has been in effect ever since.

Asked if were possible that his “magical” spreadsheet was actually simply mistakenly linked to by another spreadsheet that then fed the numbers directly into Apple’s SAP accounting system instead of the real numbers from Apple’s stores, Theisen coughed nervously.

“Actually, um, that occured to me. But I’ve kind of been afraid to check. I’m more comfortable with the magical spreadsheet theory.”

Theisen then returned to his cube where he kept his head as far below the wall as possible.

Apple Releases MacBook Non-Pro Edition.

After weeks of random speculation that the company would do so, Apple released the MacBook Amateur today. Reminiscent of the “Good, Better, Best” product differentiation strategy of the early 2000s, the MacBook Beginner comes in white and black varieties that are labelled “Good”, “Also Good” and “EVIL”.

Purchasers of “Evil” are warned, however, that their MacBook Junior will eventually attempt to shove them down the stairs in a wheelchair while screaming something awfully dirty about Jesus.

According to Apple, the MacBook For Dummies sports either a 1.83 GHz or 2.0 GHz Intel Core Duo processor and, when licked, tastes vaguely like Tang.

Some Apple watchers expressed concern that the MacBook No You Guys Go Ahead, I’ll Just Watch For A Little While is priced higher than the iBook it replaces, but Apple executives felt this was justified.

“This is a great starter MacBook for those who aren’t ready yet for a MacBook Pro,” said Senior Vice President of Worldwide Product Marketing Phil Schiller. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked by some fresh-faced youngster ‘Gee, Mr. Schiller, I’d kinda like to sorta use a MacBook Pro, but golly gee willikers, I ain’t a pro at nothin’!’

“Ha-ha! Ha! Ahhh… Well… once, actually. I was asked that once. And my security detail quickly whisked him away. But the point is that many users would look at the PowerBook and the iBook and go ‘Hunnnnnh?’ Just like that. ‘Hunnnnnh?’ It was impossible to tell which one was for the professional and which one was for the layman. Other than the pricing. And all the marketing materials. Other than that, completely impossible.

“I suppose you could have asked someone. Like a Genius or a salesperson.

“But that’s it.”

The MacBook I’ll Just Have A Salad With Dressing On The Side goes on sale today.

Heinen Fired For Failure To Have Testicles.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that former Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen was released from the firm after failing to produce a pair of testicles.

According to sources within Apple’s Human Resources department, Heinen was asked by CEO Steve Jobs to provide validation that she did, in fact, have the pair of testicles that were explicitely listed as a requirement for employment in her contract with the firm.

“Apple has a strict policy that its senior executives be male,” a source said.

Heinen reportedly snuck in by cleverly exploiting a legal loophole by claiming that she owned a pair of testicles, even though they were not attached to her body.

“We also prefer our executive to be white,” the source added.

Indeed, perusing Apple’s recently updated executive profiles page indicates that, while all the current executives appear to have testicles, only Sina Tamaddon appears to be non-white. Unfortunately – and this may be a bad indicator for Tamaddon – while all the other executives’ links go to a brief biography and a high-resolution photo, only Tamaddon’s goes to just the photo.

As it is difficult then to determine his ethnicity, this has lead many Apple followers to conclude that Tamaddon is either a space alien or a robot.

Or both.

Heinen’s image, of course, was hastily removed from the page recently after a suspicious CEO Steve Jobs finally confronted her about the testicles.

“We knew, of course, that Nancy was a woman,” Jobs said. “But she long assured us that she had a pair of testicles that she kept in a safety deposit box somewhere.

“She didn’t tell me where she got them and I didn’t ask.”

When push came to shove, however, Heinen was either unwilling or unable to produce a pair of testicles. Late in April, Heinen reportedly stalled for time by saying that she had “loaned out the testicles to a friend who had forgotten to return them and then went on vacation and [she] couldn’t get a hold of them.”

“Them” apparently meaning either the friend or the testicles. Apple’s male board members were apparently not impressed as they are usually quickly able to get a hold of their testicles.

The company has begun an executives search for a replacement for Heinen. The job posting reportedly reads “must have own – attached – testicles.

“Prefer that they be white.”

Crushing your soul, one little angel at a time

Good news is, Apple ripped Ringo a new one and won in the Apple vs. Apple Corps suit.

Doesn’t it remind you of those super-hero crossovers where Spider-Man fights the Fantastic Four or something? You’re both so good. Why are you fighting? They almost always turn out to be over a misunderstanding. Or mind control. I wonder which one this was over?

Bad news is, it’s “Fricking get some shit done already” week here at Crazy Apple Rumors Site and, sadly, the activity known as “posting” is not a member of the “shit” set. Howard needs a tick bath, the Entity’s CD collection isn’t going to rip itself, Masako needs to work on some ad coding, Ugluk caught a mammoth over the weekend he’s got to gut and skin (at least he said it was a mammoth, but I’m a little suspicious as the Point Defiance Zoo is missing an elephant), Thor’s performing the first all-nude open-heart surgery at the Mayo Clinic, Chet’s making cut-out dolls of all the Apple executives and I’m learning how to win friends and influence people…

THROUGH THE POWERS OF VOODOO!

…

It’s a… correspondence course.

Anyway, we’ll be around and we’ll check in from time to time. See how you’re doing. Maybe bring you a casserole. That kind of thing.

In the comments, please tell us the deep, dark fear that lurks inside you.

Other than us taking a week off.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today we take a look at what happens when the Help Desk doesn’t get any calls.

It’s not pretty.

A: No, look, I’m just saying that at times the Hulk has had god-like strength, so if Superman fought him during one of those times, I think the Hulk would win.
MACGRUDER: No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. NO. Superman is just as strong as the Hulk, plus he’s smarter and has heat vision and shit. It’s not even a contest.
A: Well, we’re just going to have to agree to disagree on this.
MACGRUDER: Whatever. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.
A: Oh, stop it. OK, let’s move on to the next question. ‘Jessica Alba or Scarlett Johannson – who would you rather do?’
MACGRUDER: What?! Oh, man! When did the GREs get so hard?!
A: …
MACGRUDER: What?
A: This isn’t the GRE. This is a quiz in Maxim.
MACGRUDER: Oh. Are you sure? There was that one that involved numbers.
A: That was about how many nipple slips Halle Berry had last year. And you answered that way too fast.
MACGRUDER: I… can have a hobby.

THOR: So then Schiller said to Tim Cook, you take either one, but the sexbot stays with me!
A: Ha-ha! Oh, man, that is classic!
THOR: I know!
UGLUK: Me no get it.
A: Ha-ha! What?
THOR: Oh. Well… you understand the “wing man” concept, don’t you?
UGLUK: Yes, but Schiller say ugly one have wide, child-bearing hips. Why he no want one with wide, child-bearing hips?
A: Uh…
THOR: Well, Ugluk, I think they were mostly just kidding around. We weren’t really going to go home with any of them.
UGLUK: Ugluk perhaps not find your fornication humor amusing. Procreation taken very seriously in my clan. Where – I have you know – wide, child-bearing hips seen as very attractive. Ugluk’s mother, for example, have wide, child-bearing hips.
A: Oh. Jeez.
THOR: I’m terribly sorry. That was very culturally insensitive of us.
A: Yes. I’m sorry.
UGLUK: …
THOR: …
A: …
UGLUK: Ha-ha! No, Ugluk just messing with you! Ha-ha!
THOR: What?
UGLUK: Ugluk like pretty women with large breasts just like next guy!
A: Oh! Ha-ha!
THOR: Ah! Good one!
UGLUK: You should have seen expression on face!
THOR: Ha-ha! Ah!
A: Ha-ha! Ahhh… Wait. Is liking wide, child-bearing hips the same as liking a big can? Because…
UGLUK: Dude…
THOR: Dude…
A: Well… I just want a ruling there.

HOWARD: Still no calls?
A: No. But, to tell the truth, I figured out around lunchtime that the phone wasn’t plugged in. I just left it that way. It’s just that I was getting so much done.
HOWARD: But… you’re playing Call of Duty.
A: Yes. Yes, I am. Ask me how many Panzers I’ve take out.
HOWARD: Mmm, no. I live in fear that information like that is going to one day push something important out of my brain. Like how to breathe. Then I’m going to be flopping around on the floor trying to remember how to get oxygen into my lungs when all I can think of is the number of Panzers you took out. I just came in here to let you know that we’re going to that new Irish bar to get a head start on Cinco de Mayo. It’s going to be a whole evening of multi-ethnic public drunkenness. The Entity already teleported over to grab a table. You coming?
A: Well… no. I’m just so swamped.
HOWARD: With… defending the Ardennes?
A: Well, yeah. It’s not like the non-player characters are going to do it. I mean… look at this guy. He just keeps getting hit by this German dude and falling down and getting back up again. Over and over and over. I don’t know how the Allies won with guys like this.
HOWARD: C’mon. I’ll buy you a two-olive martini with Quintessential.
A: Well… OK. I’ll just leave the game up on the outside chance they actually do hold the Ardennes without me.
HOWARD: OK. Sounds good.
A: But I bet I’m going to come back on Monday and that guy’s still going to be getting hit and falling down over and over. I just don’t get that.
HOWARD: There’s a good chance you’re over-thinking this.